I don't think I love my husband anymore

[notinloveanymore]

Maybe there is some element of love there. But not like there was. We have a 7 month old baby who was planned / he adores etc. But I'm not sure that it what has caused these feelings, I think they were starting before the baby was born. Together 8 years, married 1.5.

Basically he never makes an effort. About anything. He doesn't really care for himself (eats crap, doesn't exercise, is getting more and more obese), I think a bit depressed but has always been. Quite a negative person. I'm not turned on by him anymore, we have often slept in separate beds since the baby was born for both of us to get better sleep. He snores badly and I can't stand it. We used to have an OK sex life and I used to enjoy cuddles etc with him but he now just doesn't initiate any intimacy at all, comes home from work and never kisses me hello etc. So it's stopped me wanting to feel close to him because I feel like when we have sex it's just because he wants sex.

I don't want to end our marriage. Just not sure where to go from here. Anything I ever say just falls on deaf ears and nothing changes. I hate feeling like a nag and I don't want to have to ask him for effort and affection. I want him to want to do that.

Help! Guide me!

Have you discussed how you feel with him?

As in; the reasons why you're unhappy (perhaps not as far as that you don't love him!)

Honestly me and DH have gone through rough patches and only ever have they been resolved as a result of open communication

If you have spoken to him about this and nothing ever changes and you know you could be happier then you need to tell him this because he won't just randomly change. You need to literally tell him about himself and explain that you're losing interest and something needs to change! As blunt as it sounds sometimes you have to be this blunt to actually make them realise that you arn't happy.

Not in detail because it will really upset him. I've tried to hunt / make suggestions. I have always asked for more affection, and he'll sometimes make a slight effort for less than 24 hours then it's forgotten.

He has a very manual job, gets home and stinks but rarely hawkers before bed which is just so disgusting to me, he smells and it deters me from watching ting to be near him for cuddles. So I've said stuff to him before like wanting him to shower more / he's too stinky for cuddles etc.

But I'm worried if I start saying everything that it will cause arguments, upset and I feel like we are quite close to the edge at the moment.

Sorry that should say showers, not hawkers!

Honestly OP, you need to tell him your feelings - saying it will only cause upset is very short sighted.

What's the alternative? This relationship starts to deteriorate because he is not mind reader and therefore things are going to get worse anyway by the sound of things unless you speak up.

I don't see any other option here, you are going to have to bite the bullet and be open about your feelings

Thanks @hellymissy I think I knew this, just needed someone to tell me to do it. It just makes me feel sad. But I can't remember what first attracted me to him. Those qualities and days seem long gone.

I think talking to him is also the way to go, it doesn't have to be a hugely negative conversation. Maybe it could be an opportunity for you to both be curious about exploring how you each think your relationship has changed (if he does think it's changed, he might not see it that way).

For what it's worth though I wanted to share that I empathise massively. Our DS is now 3 and I've noticed a similar pattern with DH of affection disappearing, me having to ask for cuddles and closeness. Likewise I see a short increase for the afternoon or 24 hours and then it goes again. It feels hard to talk to him about this so I know how you feel, I also know that we both feel better and more connected for having had those checking in conversations. Take care OP x

I know sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, but in any part of life whether it be friends/work/marriage if you just stay silent on issues, in experience they will only fester and the problem gets worse.

Whereas whenever I've been honest with people it's enabled me to salvage relationships / so assuming you care about saving the relationship which it sounds like you do or else you wouldn't post - then you definitely need to sit down and discuss with him.

All the best with it x