Would you date this man or is it a red flag?

[Safeties]

Posted in chat by mistake!!!

I’m looking to settle down. I’ve pushed many men away who wanted this with me and now I have my career sorted and feel somewhat financially secure, I would love to share day to day life with someone. I’m terrible at noticing red flags or non starters, I always give the benefit of the doubt and that has NOT served me well so far.

I’m picky in the sense that I want to feel like this people is right for me and I don’t want to just be with someone for the sake of it. But I don’t want to come home everyday to a silent dark house.

I’ve been talking to someone online. He lives near where I grew up, about 45 mins from where I am now. We’ve chatted on the phone and text and plan to meet up after lockdown. Last night he told me his last relationship was at university (he’s 35). He’s never lived with anyone. His sister is 34 and single and not had a relationship either...probably not relevant but maybe it is. His parents are together still and live nearby. I asked outright if he wanted the same things as me and he said yes when he met the right person and that he was looking forward to us meeting.

I have zero patience with men who want to just glide through life without prioritising a relationship. I get that’s not everyone’s way but it matters to me. I’m always shit at recognising red flags or non starters... so being very cautious this time.

Would you meet/date him?

Ummm. You would need to meet him to decide if you even wanted a relationship with him. If after talking online, you like him enough to meet... then meet. See if you are compatible.

I agree, would definitely meet and find out of there is even any chemistry. DH may not have looked great on paper and I was a single mum of three but I'm so glad I sais yes to meeting (after saying no a few times). Nothing is perfect but we have been happily married for nearly ten years now

I'd meet him and see how I felt. My last proper relationship ended in my early 20s, nearly 10 years back. For the first 5 years I dated but never met the right person and for the second 5 years I've been a bit hermity. Just wasnt fussed about finding anyone. I've recently met someone lovely and hopefully, touch wood,it is going somewhere.

Meet him and see what he is like at face value. He might be a time waster. Or he might just have been happier single these years/have other circumstances.

He (and his sister) may not of been in long term relationships because they are waiting for the right person to come along.. so that they can have what their parents have.

What I dislike is people who bounce from one poor relationship into another just because they can't face being single.

Go meet him.

I'd certainly meet him. It might become painfully obvious why he hasn't ever had a serious relationship when you do, but I can't see why you wouldn't go ahead with at least one meet-up?

Thanks everyone. My hesitation is because I’m so so so fed up of not finding the right one. I just want to settle down. I have zero inclination to meet a stranger for a drink if I will never see them again. I know unfortunately that’s just how dating is, but if I can I want to weed out unnecessary dates that are on balance a ‘no’ from the start. I’m shit at noticing red flags!

The problem with asking whether someone wants a serious relationship is that if they say yes and they meet up with you and you dislike them or just don't fancy them, where do you go from there?

Is there anyone from your past that you'd be interested in seeing again?

It sounds like you might have glided without prioritising a relationship up until now though so I wouldn’t be so quick to write him off just yet. Perhaps his career or previous lifestyle was more of a priority and now he has changed his mind. As a PP says, much better than bouncing from one relationship to another which is something I’d have much bigger reservations about.

Meet him. At worst, he’s not right for you but I think you need to give it a shot and see.

I think he's young enough to e worth a shot. But I'd be asking him how many times he's had sex since his last relationship to gauge whether he's a player or not (in a slightly subtle way).

Gosh it sounds like you don’t give a shit, if they look alright you’ll want a relationship with them.

It doesn’t matter that they are looking for a relationship you also need to hit it off and develop one.

Maybe he just wanted to get his career sorted and feel somewhat financially secure before he embarked on looking for someone to share day to day life with?

@GreenlandTheMovie

I think he's young enough to e worth a shot. But I'd be asking him how many times he's had sex since his last relationship to gauge whether he's a player or not (in a slightly subtle way).

Good god don’t do this. If it wa suggested a man asked a woman how many women she’d fucked he would get his arse handed to him

Do not be asking anyone this, it’s none of your business.

I have zero patience with men who want to just glide through life without prioritising a relationship

Ok, but do you not think they might be looking at you and wondering why you’re single?

@TheStripes yes I’ve definitely glided on the relationship front until recently.

@GreenlandTheMovie yes I thought that...he said he used a dating app when he went abroad last, so someone could show him around and then she went back to the hotel with him! Made me laugh but also I thought hmmm is this just a player?!

@Bluntness100 I’m not sure what you mean? I don’t just go for looks...

I’ve had two long term relationships and lived with a partner so it’s not the same as no relationships since uni. But I see your point, I’m still single too.

is this a joke?

@Zolaanna erm no..why would this be a joke?!

I don’t think that is a red flag. I had long term relationships in my 20s. My 30s no long term till last year. Had quite a few short term. That was a multitude of factors. Not met the right person, happy by myself, concentrating on my career, having fun with friends. I feel more stable, independent and happy. I hope that doesn’t put people off

A red flag to me is someone bouncing between relationships and can’t be alone. Codependent

But I know I want someone to compliment my life. So wait till they come along

Kinda sounds like you will
Literally settle down with anyone willing to tbh? Bit weird

Surely meet up with him first and ensure you actually like the guy before rushing into things?

I’m in my 30’s and have been single a LONG time, in more of a never met the right person situation to a cane out of a LTR kind of way. I dread to think people are judging me for this or would avoid getting into a relationship with me because of it. Not lack of offers, just have to feel right with the person. Now feeling like I need references to have a relationship sigh 😔 even though I strongly feel that the ones who cling to bad relationships are the troubled ones!!!

Rather than quizzing him on his relationship history and his likelihood to settle down, you should be exploring whether this man is someone you like, someone you share values with, someone whose company you enjoy and views you respect. And if you are attracted to him. Cuz otherwise, what does it matter if he wants to settle down?

Yes, I definately do want to get some idea of a man's dating history, as I don't want a player who has been around the block multiple times with lots of ONSs. Fine if you don't mind that, but it's not for me so I need to get some idea sooner or later.