Narcissist DF and terminally ill DM - any similar experiences?

[LillithTheLynx]

Sorry this is long, but this is v complicated shitty situation and I'm trying not to drip feed too much.

DM (65) is terminally ill with stage 4 cancer - still able to get about, but it has spread to her bones and she has 1-2 years max. She lives with my 'D'F (77) in an isolated part of the Uk.

DB (33) and I (29) both live and work in London, and have limited resources.

IMO DF has NPD. DM is a shell, and my brother and I struggle with forming healthy relationships, and I largely blame DF's domineering behaviour.

It's hard to explain, but it's almost like DF is not a real person. It's impossible to speak to him, as he has no interest in anyone else, beyond things that he can boast about to others. He's obsessed with his ex career (he was often out of work) and selective bits of history (Wars and how great the Empire was), and every topic is drawn back to those things within a couple of sentences.

He also says horrible personal things, and can sometimes be very threatening (has picked up kitchen knives during nasty arguments, although has only ever hit my DB) if anyone challenges him. My very normal XDH didn't get this at first, and got called a cunt during our second and last visit for disagreeing with him over types of engine.

After retiring early, DF spent thousands on his hobbies while DM slaved away working nights to cover the mortgage, unable to buy herself new clothes and still doing all the housework.

DF has also been cheating on my mother for years with people he meets on BDSM swinging sites. He made suggestive comments to me when I was a teenager, and I've seen sexual messages to his daughter from a previous mariage (not his bio daughter, but still). Despite this, he has Victorian expectations of everyone else's morality.

I gathered evidence of the cheating and showed it to my Mum in 2010. She chose to stay with him because she didn't want the 'fuss' and for financial reasons, though she didn't even consult a solicitor. I think the reality is he'd ground her down so much she couldn't see a way out.

I couldn't stand being around them anymore after all that, and as a result I've had very limited contact with DM until she got ill. I feel very guilty about that now.

DM is utterly miserable about how her life has turned out. She thought my father would die, and leave her to enjoy her retirement. Her pets and her sister also died just before her diagnosis, and she has no one - my father makes it impossible to have friends or visitors. DM's not been abroad for 30 years because DF didn't want to go. I promised to take her to her favourite country this year so that she could live life a bit, but obviously Covid has scuppered that plan.

While DM's been ill, DF has been doing his thing. He thinks everyone should be thanking him because he does one thing to help, driving DM to the hospital. DF thinks he's iller than her, and that DM 'exaggerates'. He told me that he is the one that is truly suffering because cancer patients 'get nasty' and 'take it out on their partners'. DM is still doing all the housework, and clearing up the messes he leaves in the toilet after she's had chemo.

Whenever she even mildly disagrees with this behaviour, he tells her she's 'abusive' and lacking empathy for him. He is still sexting with BDSM buddies. When DB and I visit, he creates a tense atmosphere, so we can't even enjoy spending time together.

DM understands this is emotional abuse, but she is frightened of what will happen she tries to do anything about it. She keeps saying its too late, and it is her punishment for not leaving decades ago. She's vaguely hinted about killing herself to escape, although I don't think she was serious and she'd never repeat to anyone else.

It's bad enough she's dying at this age, but this is awful. He's ruined her entire life.

I'm particularly worried about what's going to happen to her when she's very ill/dying, and he has complete control of her.

Does anyone think there is anything at all I can do to help her, or had similar experiences? I tried persuading her to move out last year (I could help with most of rent/mortgage as it is a very cheap area), but she didn't want the 'hassle'. I'm at a loss, and very selfishly tempted to just stay away so I don't have to see this play out.

Sounds v hard OP. Perhaps see if your mum can visit you and spend some good time with her on her own. face time when DF is out may be nice.

My parents sound similar to yours (minus the terminal illness).

I've come to the conclusion that my mum loved/loves my dad more than she ever did me or my sister.

She has spoken to me a few times about how miserable she is, how awful her life has turned out, and also once tried to tell me that she stayed with my dad for mine and my sisters sake - until I pointed out that we both left home over 20 years ago (I bought my own house at 20/21 and my sister left home several times starting at age 17 when she briefly joined the army as we were both so desperate to get out) so telling us she's stayed for the last 20 years our sake won't wash.

I've come to the conclusion that misery is her comfort blanket, she can't and won't be helped. I've had to make my boundaries very clear in that I won't be her emotional dump where I will listen for hours about how awful my dad has been, how miserable their marriage has been, how unhappy she is now. We now have very low and superficial contact.

In your situation I can honestly say that for my own sake I simply wouldn't step up the contact or help any more. Nothing will change. And write off the idea of receiving any inheritance. She made her choices a number of times over, and her choice has always been your father.

Everything that HotSince63 said.

You can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped. You will only hurt yourself trying.

Oh my goodness reading about your Dad was just like reading about mine. My Dad is bed bound with my mum doing everything for him despite the fact she is in constant pain herself. My Dad is definitely on the autistic spectrum as are other members of my family. Myself and brother feel though that his behaviour is more towards personality disorder and narcissistic. Neither of my parents understand why I left home as soon as I could. I now live near them and every day hear the outpourings of misery and it really gets you down. I dont know how to help I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. X

Yes I have had a similar experience. Please feel free to PM x

Thanks everyone for the advice and suggestions, and sharing stories of their own parents - it's made me feel better.

@PumpkinCheater @HotSince63 @AttilaTheMeerkat (sorry if I missed anyone) - I agree with you on the pointlessness of trying with my parents, but I'm not sure if I've given myself permission to take that approach yet. Helps reading what you've said though. I'm lucky (sort of) in that once my mother goes, I'll feel little to no obligation towards my father. He's not really bothered about me anyway!

Small update: I called DM's LA today and got put through to a few different people. One person told me that DM unlikely to qualify for practical help ('Anyone could say that they don't have the energy to do housework, couldn't they!') and basically said their team was too busy to process that sort of application.

The DV person I spoke to was actually very helpful though - confirmed it sounded like emotional abuse, told me exactly how my mum could meet someone privately to discuss options, what sort of support is available (seemingly quite a lot) and suggestions on how to speak to her about getting help. Called DM this evening and she said she'll ring them when DF is next out the house. I think it helped knowing that she was going to be believed. Not going to hold my breath on her doing anything, but seems positive?

Thanks again for your help

I would also just like to say your mum should make a will to ensure her wishes are followed. Your dad wouldn’t know while your mum is still alive. I doubt it would make any difference to his intentions regarding your family secrets. Sounds like his secret life is the most salacious out of everyone’s.

Also recommend your mum has a power of attorney done so that your DB and you have the legal right to make decisions on behalf of your mum if she becomes incapacitated. I noticed that you were specifically worried about that aspect of things, so definitely get a PoA in place now.

@SuitedandBooted and other legally minded MNs - my mother is the only person named on the land registry. Does that mean she's in a better position legally?

This was, in many ways, my grandmother. My GF was a total narc. He did all the classic things - stonewalling, emotional and financial abuse. My lovely GM became unwell with cancer when I was a teenager. He was a horror. She thought he would pine away after she died. He didn't.

As a family, we cut him off. Best decision we ever made. There are some people who cannot be helped and are too evil to salvage. He died last week, alone, without any family. I miss my GM so much. I only regret that I was not the right age and did not have the resources to "rescue" her and give her the life she deserved.

Another update - she hasn't looked into any of the resources I found her (with your help). Very upsetting, but at least I knoe I tried, and I am thankful for your advice.

Going to try to encourage to look into legal stuff over Xmas but I think is a lost cause. She cares more about what my father thinks than anything else.

It’s so sad isn’t it, @LillithTheLynx. Although it must hurt that your dad’s demands come first, I do think fear is a big part of it for women in this position. She’s likely not felt autonomous in decades, if ever.
Really the least she could do is leave what she can to you and your DB - to pay for private therapy at least. All paperwork could be left with the solicitor so there would be nothing for your dad to find in the house.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I too have a difficult relationship with my abusive father and a ‘nice’ mum who stayed with him despite knowing exactly what he did to us. I have recently gone low contact with both - your situation if of course different. I really benefited from therapy sessions (I went private, about £45 a go, over the phone during lockdown, every 2 weeks) to work through it all. I found it invaluable to talk it through properly with someone who was completely neutral. I know it seems expensive but if there’s any way you can afford it- it really helped me to work through the reality of the relationships and my place in them (prioritising my mental health). This will be a really challenging time for you - good luck to you

@SparklingLime @homebird29 thanks so much. I'm really struggling with feelings towards DM atm - going between trying to sort her out with blankets and cups of tea and hugs (not returned) and feeling so annoyed about how me and DB have been treated. I feel like we don't really have a family. Has definitely had an impact on me - I was in a very secure but totally non-passionate relationship with a lovely man for years because I felt I needed to be looked after. We're divorced now, but I wish I still had someone to care for me. life is so hard by yourself if you're as weak as I am.

I am with them atm (legally as bubbled) and just want to go home, hide and cry. I'm a grown woman and should be better than this.

Sorry to hear you are struggling, I also have an elderly personality disordered father who i am estranged from but I continue to struggle from the after effects of my childhood.

I’ve very recently registered with ieso who provide CBT on the NHS and they’ve given me my first telephone appointment on New Year’s Eve. Maybe you could try that for some support.
www.iesohealth.com/en-gb