Friends odd relationship with mum?

[TheSunshineTrain]

I am a F and my best friend is a male 31 (he is gay, I believe this is relevant) and we have been friends for around 14 years.
Friend lives with his mum in her 50's and always has. Here is the issue- Friend and his mum are completely besotted with each other, beyond what I believe to be normal (Maybe I'm wrong)

Friend worked at a local shop, has done since 18- constantly talks about learning to drive, going abroad, moving out or getting an education, new job- but he never does this. His mum has worked in the past, but now does not at all due to ailments- yet she does not get PIP as this was declined (relevant) and BF has said that his mum's illnesses come and go.

Anyways, the issue is that anytime friend leaves to go anywhere, come out for a meal or shopping etc, his mum will call within an hour asking him to come home, where is he etc so quite often he will leave and go home. I completely understand a lot, as this is his mum and he loves her. He pays for everything in their house, and she is very reliant on him (especially as no PIP or DSA).

Anyways, I went round to friends house recently, and noticed some boxes on his bed covered in dust- the same boxes that I'd seen months ago before when I visited, I did half question and friend admitted sometimes he sleeps in bed with his mum.

Friend recently lost his job due to covid, and I spent hours helping him apply both locally and further afield. Friend has recently got offered a new job, working in a town over but says that he won't do this as it may mean moving away from his mum. Friend constantly asks me for help to arrange driving lessons, (I did, and he cancelled the lessons) and talks about moving to big cities etc, but he never follows through and has now given up this job opportunity to stay at home. Every time we meet, he will talk about all the things he's going to 'do' but never does, and as, awful as it sounds, it's becoming irritating.

At first, I felt sorry for him as I thought perhaps it was due to his mum- but a part of me feels that he doesn't want to leave her either. Friend has also never had a relationship, and says that it's because the person would have to live with him and his mum. Friend also said that he believes his sexuality is down to his mum, as she always wanted a daughter and would dress him in girls clothes from newborn to secondary school (friends words, not mine).

Basically, I'm just finding it really hard to be friends with this person. I feel awful but after ten years, and wanting to be supportive, that I've grown so much as a person and friend is still the same. I'm really conflicted, and i'm his only friend which makes the situation so much worse. I really do love him, but I just don't know.

To be honest, it sounds like his Mum might be emotionally abusive? It's really sad that he's not getting to live his own life :(

It does seem very odd that at 31 he 'sometimes' sleeps in bed with his mum. That's not normal. If the boxes were still on his bed, doesn't that indicate that his bed hasn't been used in the months between your visits?? It sounds like he sleeps with his mum more than 'sometimes'.

The mum has clipped his wings so often that now he's afraid to fly on his own. He feels guilty about leaving her.
She's abusing him. He needs help to escape her.

Yeah, I think it's probably more than 'sometimes' but i didn't want to insinuate. Friend isn't weird by any means, a good laugh, outgoing and kind, so it's all a bit bizarre.

Sounds like emotional incest.

Hugely damaging. Poor bloke.

It does seem like his mum is abusive. The excessive over reliance on him, sharing a bed etc.

You aren't equipped to unpack what is going on. But if he isn't/can't make any efforts to get a job/learn to drive or further his life - he is just passing on his angst/frustration to you. Which isn't good for your mental health either.

Can you have a conversation with him and encourage him to seek professional help? If he agrees, then you can still support him through it. If he doesn't, I would try and put space between you, let him know that you do care about him, but don't think you are helping as everything you tried hasn't worked. Then be there in emergencies, but unfortunately you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

Mind UK has a list of resources to help start the conversation and links to organisations who can help adult victims/survivors of abuse.

Thanks, I'm going to gently suggest therapy and MIND UK resources and hopefully he can get some external support.

Poor guy and not healthy for his mum either! Sharing a bed is excessive.

I'm going to gently suggest therapy and MIND UK resources and hopefully he can get some external support

That's very kind of you, OP, but do be prepared for him to either not know why you're even suggesting this, or possibly be be very offended. He'll almost certainly share it with his DM too - I don't know how much you see her, but you'll be cast in the role of an enemy for certain

For context I have a male cousin in the same position, except his DM's no longer with us. He's elderly now and has never lived anything but a pitiful half life, which is deeply sad

To rational folk it is abuse, but I guess what I'm saying is that they probably won't see it that way at all

There is a very helpful book about this kind of behaviour:
www.amazon.co.uk/Silently-Seduced-Revised-Updated-Children/dp/0757315879/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Emotional incest.

@TheSunshineTrain

Thanks, I'm going to gently suggest therapy and MIND UK resources and hopefully he can get some external support.

I agree with the poster that says that this will not go down well.

You'd need to go in a lot more gently.

If it comes up in conversation naturally maybe mention how it seems to you that he is very obliging he is to his mother's feelings first, see how THAT conversation goes. Go very very very gently..