DH temper

[mamma3568]

DH's temper has been an issue for over a year now. He became a SAHD of his own choosing and though he is generally great with DS and fine with the household, he's a lot more stressed that when he used to work and he takes it out on me. At first it was a bit of impatience, exasperation if I made a mistake - I felt upset, occasionally told him so, but I just tried to put it behind us. But it just got worse and I felt he was actually being quite mean. After a few blowups I told him I couldn't live like this and he apologised, knew he was wrong, and for the most part changed.

Since then we've discovered DS has special needs and he's become very challenging. On the plus side, I've been WFH all this year, which has helped both DS and DH. DH in particular thinks that having me around has helped take the pressure off.

But...

1. it's hard for me to forget how DH was last year. I just don't feel close to him anymore, and it's not helped that we have no time together because of DS.

2. DH's temper comes back now and then. It's often when he's really tired, he's grouchy, has no patience for us, slams doors, stomps around, sighs - just generally being unpleasant to be around, and it puts me on edge.

3. his tiredness is often of his own making. It's always because he's up late watching something so he can't sleep well, or has an extra hard workout so he's exhausted for a day or two. He freelances and leaves the bulk of the work until the last day so he has to work overnight. Basically he's terrible at managing his own time and we all pay the consequences.

I try and help out as much as I can, including using all my days off so he can have some respite from DS, or so he can finish up his work. He needs friends and hobbies (we moved to a new place in the last year) but he doesn't have the motivation to acquire any. He won't accept help around the house when I offer it - he'd rather I keep DS occupied, but still feels aggrieved that he's doing all the chores. He won't go out and have a breather - he would rather stew at home and be annoyed.

He's a good person, great with DS, and when he's in a neutral or good mood then a lovely DH. But he won't let me help him when he's tired and stressed, and he doesn't help himself either.

His flashes of temper scare me - he really roared at me last night when we were dealing with a DS issue. My FIL has a terrible temper, and DH has always been conscious of not wanting to be like him.

I just don't know what to do. We try to talk it out and reset, but he just lapses back into his old habits, so I know I can't change him. I think he or we need counseling, but we'd have to access it privately and it's unaffordable with DS' medical issues too.

I think the first issue is trying to help DH to manage his time better so he can rest and not wreck it all with work and workouts.

Secondly, how do I deal with him when he's grouchy? I can't help but feel tense, it puts me in a bad mood, primes us both for an argument, and all I want is for him to leave the room/home so I can spend time with DS. I don't know how to defuse him/the situation. I can't always take myself and DS out as it's often in the evening, close to his bedtime.

You can't fix him he needs to sort things out

Don't take on his issues as your own. Do you want to be with him? You live with the fear of his temper. Why do you have to help him manage his time? He is already managing it, finding time to please himself regardless of the impact on others. Give the situation a cool appraisal - what is really going on?

I wouldn't say I live in fear of it but when he is grouchy, which is maybe once a week, I'm on edge and get annoyed with him. He's only scared me like that three times in the last 6 months. How often is too often?

I know I can't change him. But this is impacting me and DS. I have thought about splitting, but the situation now is too difficult. We're abroad and he can't get a job in this country and even if he could, we couldn't afford childcare (because of DS' SN). I'd have to pay and be responsible for a separate home for him, which we can't afford. Or we would have to leave a relatively covid safe country and come back to the UK in the midst of a lockdown/pandemic and Brexit.

I feel I need to stick it out and try to deal with it. But I don't know what to do.

Once is too often.

Give the situation a cool appraisal - what is really going on?

He can't handle being a SAHD. He can do everything practically. He's good with DH. But it DS' SN stresses him out. His mental load is high. I have work which is also stressful, but it is my respite from caring for DS. DH doesn't have enough respite but he won't accept my help either. I'm not good at anticipating his needs.

*good with DS I meant.

I might suggest counseling again. We can afford it if we use our savings. I don't see any viable solution at the moment.