Marriage over after traumatic event

[Lottiesnanny]

My husband hasn’t been happy for a few years now and i never see him smile! He’s angry sullen resentful and says I’m not the woman he married 10 years ago.
He says I have changed since the death of my son in law in traumatic circumstances 4 years ago. He was like a son to me and he and my daughter was the happiest couple with a brood of 7 children the youngest was only 3 when he died from sepsis 10 days after a vasectomy , in the family home. We all as a family suffered from some degree of ptsd after this and of course I have helped my daughter with the children while she got her life back together . He now says all my energy goes on my family and there is nothing left for him?! He says I should be over it by now 🤦‍♀️The straw that broke the camels back is 3 weeks ago my son and his fiancée split up and he asked if he could come back home while he sorted his head out ...6 months max . I told my husband and he was not happy but we are in the middle of a pandemic we have a spare room so he’s here .
You can cut the atmosphere with a knife my husband is so hostile. My son stays in his room it’s so uncomfortable. He said it’s the last straw and tonight he said he is leaving me ... His reasons he didn’t sign up to live with a 30 year old man , and he can’t live with someone with my level of anxiety ( which I’ve had since the death of my daughters husband. He said he feels resentful that his life isn’t going how he thought it would. Am I missing something am I wrong for helping my children when they need it. ?

He is entirely in the wrong here.
For better or for worse. We make that vow but most of us are only in it for the better. OP, I feel your plight. I truly do. And life is about carrying each other and loving each other, through good times and the bad.
You never stop being a mother. And part of your healing, while still grieving, involves being a rock for your children and grandchildren.
And actually, if he just left, do you know, I think it would be excellent for your mental health. I think you'd grow in strength. You're grieving and you've got the stress of this husband who won't allow you to love and grieve freely. You must feel so trapped. Kick him to the kerb and be there for your family. They're everything to you and you're everything to them.
I am so terribly sorry you're going through such a season of sadness. It's devastating for you all. I do hope you can find some peace and purpose in your living day again.

Did the frequency of sex drop after your son arrived? That maybe why he is angry. I am not defending him. Just flagging this up , reading in between the lines

You've done nothing wrong

Oh, OP .

And PS: Of course you have anxiety!! OP, you're the normal one here. Everything you're feeling and processing is totally painful but totally and utterly normal. His life isn't going the way it was meant to? I'd love to know how he thought his life was meant to go! My life isn't going the way it was meant to! I was meant to write a string of best sellers, win the euromillions, and turn everything to gold with one touch. But hey ho, my life didn't work out the way it was meant to so here I am, living reality. I feel so angry on your behalf reading this. You're going through so, so much pain. You need love and support.

If he's never had children himself, he won't get it, and probably doesn't want to try and understand. Sounds like his capacity for love or empathy is limited to his own needs. He's just not good enough of a human being IMO. Let him go if he wants, I bet your anxiety will improve in time without him.

He’s a knob who is jealous of the attention you rightly give your children. It’s pathetic and childish.

What was his relationship with your children like prior to these events?

Poor you and your DS.
What an utterly horrible man.
Good riddance - the sooner the nasty bastard goes the better.
Your anxiety is probably mostly down to having to live with him.

@Gogoshakes20

Sorry for what you’ve been through!

Your husband sounds like he’s angry and lashing out at you saying that you should be over it by now...that’s not for him to say but he’s probably frustrated.

I have suffered from ptsd after a traumatic event and it rocked my marriage...I can see now that for a few years I pushed my husband away. I couldn’t deal with him as well as all I was going through.

I thought I had moved on and was getting by but my relationship was really affected. It all came to a head and I realised I still needed more therapy.

I’m just sharing this because are you sure he’s not got a point? Have you been investing time in him? Are you healing, or are you still frozen in time and on loop, going over everything?

I think ptsd and trauma changes people. Do you even still want your husband?

All your focus has been on your family and helping them rightly so, but he’s a person too with needs and I know I definitely forgot about my oh when I was dealing with it all....but for how many years can a partner wait?

Sorry to hear this Gogo. We had traumatic event here just over 1.5 years ago (with the resulting PTSD) and everything you say resonates with me. Thank you for sharing, made me feel less alone 🙂

We (dh and I) both dealt with the event differently and I shut him out as I couldn’t deal with his pain on top of everything else. We’re trying to get things back on track now.

I can therefore see this from both sides, your DH is being a complete twat but maybe he is just lashing out frustrated because he wants his wife back? Maybe he is lonely, depressed etc? Not excusing him but I can see where his anger is perhaps coming from.

From the tone of your op I guessed they weren’t his dc.
May I guess he hasn’t any dc of his own or he was a part time dad himself?
You as a parent never leave your kids homeless and will always stand by them when times are hard.
Good riddance.

It sounds like he is jealous of your children and your close relationships with them, and has zero empathy. I assume he has no children of his own? If he had, he would understand that once a parent, always a parent.

He's more concerned about the impact on him of the tragedy which befell your family, rather than trying to be supportive, and is behaving very immaturely. He's an archetypal man-child, rather than a partner. His attitude to your son only confirms that everything is all about him.

I would hazard a guess that your life will be a lot calmer and less stressful if he does leave. It wouldn't surprise me if your anxiety levels are exacerbated by him dragging you down instead of bolstering you up. You deserve better, op. Your family is lucky to have you - it's a pity your dh doesn't realise he is lucky to have you, too.

He’s a selfish twat, you’ll be better off without him. 💐

He is being unreasonable, I think he would be more supportive if they were his children too, I think he’s being selfish

He sounds completely selfish and self-obsessed. It's normal to help your children after a relationship break up, and it's normal to have such a loss leave trauma.

EMDR therapy is evidence-based for helping with traumatic memories and their after-effects, I would recommend it.

But don't get back with your husband, he's doing you a favour by fucking off as he's no support to you and yours, quite the opposite. xxx

Sorry to hear what you have been through OP. It sounds like your husband has been resentful and giving off that horrible resentful vibe for years. I wonder if it has occured to him that your mood and anxiety might have been a lot better if instead of that you had had his caring support.

This has made me feel sad, of course your son should be back home in these uncertain times.

What a horrid man to make it all about him, so sorry you're putting up with this when you are supporting your family members.

My poor BIL died at 38 suddenly after only a short while of illness-he left two children and a wife-had I been so unfeeling and cruel to my grieving husband I'd deserve a divorce stat

He said he feels resentful that his life isn’t going how he thought it would.

Diddums...

Let him leave. Anyone who uses depression as an insult is beneath contempt.

That's an awful situation I'm so so sorry to hear about your son in law, and I can see how that would totally impact on the entire family, your poor daughter.

He sounds simply awful and I could have anyone around me that behaved in that way, to tell you to get over something like a family death is beyond cruel.

and did he think your dds life isnt how it wa supposed to be

uncaring bastard

"Life isn't going the way he wants it to", really? Well I daresay it isn't going the way you want it to, either!! You certainly didn't want to lose your son in law and you had hoped that your son's fiancee was 'the one' for him. But life doesn't always go the way we want it to and in a good marriage we acknowledge that, grit our teeth, and move forward together and make the best of a bad situation until things get better.

Let him go. Even setting aside the recent traumas you & DS have had, he sounds like a selfish wanker.

He sounds nasty.

Everything else I would say has already been said by posters above.

I'm sorry he is not more supportive; it definitely sounds like it is time for him to go.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. There are ways to negotiate getting his needs met in the relationship without anger and hostility.

Unfortunately, he just doesn't see your family as his family. They all sound quite inconvenient to him. Of course, he's perfectly entitled to say 'this isn't turning out how I thought it would, I'm off'; and you're equally entitled to help him pack his bags and move on to a new chapter of your life. Sad and upsetting as it is, don't you think you'll feel like a weight has been lifted once he leaves? Stomping about the house with a miserable face, creating a hostile environment for your son, and being so unsupportive of you as you navigate grief and trauma- that must be really taking its toll on you. However much you may have changed/ withdrawn from him/ not placed him at the centre of your universe, you deserve better than he has been giving you. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, but I do think your DH is doing you a big favour by leaving (even if it doesn't feel that way right now).