Irrational anger?

[Pinklewinkle]

Hi folks. Feeling really fed up. Left my violent ex some time ago, but every now and then something pops up randomly out of the blue regarding his "new life" and I get really frustrated.

We live in the same area and am aware of his new wife and family. Unfortunately he likes to preen and play the doting husband and father in front of me on the rare occasion I see him, which is sometimes amusing as it's so OTT, but is always mixed with anger and nerves when I remember his physical and emotional abuse.

Of course his new wife initially made it quite clear what an awful person she thought I was, as naturally he's not going to tell her the truth about why I left him.
One of my adult children occasionally looks at their fathers social media presence, out of curiosity I suppose, and sometimes shares their thoughts about it with me, to vent I suppose.

They did so this evening, but were as ever disappointed at the portrayal of a perfect life, when they had witnessed some of his awful behaviour and are aware of why I left and his lack of contact with them, when he appears to dote on his children with his new partner.

Of course I'm aware as with many abusers/ narcissists that they will portray a life very different to reality.
And so it has left me angry. Despite his wife's feelings for me, which I know are based on lies, I sincerely hope she is not being subjected to the same as myself, but I am more cross with myself for feeling upset at him still. He is so gloating and fawning about her, and has apparently alluded to how much better a partner she is etc.
Why am I feeling so upset and jealous at this life she appears to have, when I went through hell, especially as the relief I feel at having left him is so immense?
I'm sorry if this seems rambling, I think I am trying to process a situation logically, when with abusers there is no rational logic.

Any tips on coping with such situations from anyone who's experienced similar would be great!

Thankyou.

Didn't want to read and run. You need to remind yourself that what he puts on Facebook is fake you know what he's really like . So what if he is painting an idyllic picture of happiness you know what he is really like. You need to stop looking at his social media and next time your kids start telling you just tell them you really don't want to hear it and you don't care.Write a list of all the reasons you split up with him and why you are better off without him and read it , often. You are better of without him , you know that.

Have NCd for this one. Mine was a Vicar. Ended up all over the tabloids when I left him after twenty five years of abuse. It was a long time ago. The abuse never became public, though the affair did.

It took a while (and some therapy) to get there, but I have let go of the anger, moved on and have been very happily married to someone lovely for ten years.

If your kids want to be in contact that's fine, but you don't need to hear all about it.

Just remember that you got out. I bet your relationship looked good from the outside. You have no responsibility for your ex DH.

You need to look after yourself and you adult children (who will have been damaged by all of this)

Btw. Big hugs. It's really tough.

If I have read it right your adult children have seen through him. They probably still love their father but I think that you can be a really supportive little bubble. The key is understanding that you live your lives together and ignore him. He s no longer relevant to your life, and the kids. Will understand that.

Do your kids need therapy? Growing up in an abusive environment is really damaging for kids (I know. I spent their childhoods trying to protect them, but it is heartbreaking to see the effects their upbringing had on them)

Advice? Don't read the social media,don't think about her, stick a big middle finger up at the ex and focus on you relationship with your kids.

Worked for me. One of mine mentioned that my ex had a church job in another country. Googled it (as you do) to discover that my narcissistic, violent, abusive ex, who had at one point pretended to have cancer, and had tried to convince me that my lovely brother was a pedophile, not only has a nice job in a cathedral, but they actually issued a press release describing him as 'humble and pious'.

Not bothered. They will find out. Or perhaps he's changed. But it has nothing to do with my life now. I am happy, and a certain level of forgiveness, or at least putting it behind you is important.

Go well

Thankyou for the responses.
I should clarify that I personally don't look at his social media, and that through counselling for myself and my children they know that they can talk to me about issues concerning their father. This doesn't happen often that they do approach me, and if it ever relates to social media it's mainly due to astonishment at his hypocrisy. Particularly irks them at the displays of a lavish materialistic lifestyle when he's tried every trick to avoid paying maintenance, and disappointment at his claims of parental alienation etc when he's in reality ignored them for years when younger.

I'm sure they hold back on a lot too so as not to upset me.
It's very odd as I have such a good happy life now. I can only think perhaps my anger is due to him "having got away with it" if that makes sense, although I suppose his " punishment " is living with the fear his wife friends and family may eventually find out how he behaved.

I do try learned techniques of feeling calm, but every now and then it makes me jittery still, still a residual fear. I had hoped by now that would have stopped.