Partner can't deal with my mental health

[Justexhausted]

I'm 29 and my fiance is 32. We have been together for 4 years and we got engaged last year. In this time I have had some very poor mental health, essentially culminating in periods of extreme distress. I acknowledge that when these episodes happen I am not very nice, I say things I don't really mean. But mostly it's inconsolable crying.

My partner has always found these episodes difficult to deal with (who wouldn't) but in the last few weeks he has expressed that he can't deal with it any more and wants to have a "big think" about our relationship. We started talking, him saying he wants to be honest with me, and he says that whilst he loves me unconditionally and will always be my best friend, he isn't sure he wants to be in a relationship with me, as he just doesn't know how much longer he can cope with this. In the past couple of years I have been taking medication, which is working, I am having counselling and I have made a lot of progress with myself. However, the odd meltdown still happens. I have significant autistic traits so believe this to be the reason behind this. When the meltdowns happen he will sit with me and try to calm me down, but will be upset with me for days after, and whilst it's happening he will tell me how many hours of the weekend have been wasted, which makes me feel worse. He takes it all really personally.

My partner has been seeing a therapist for the past 14 weeks and it seems his sessions with her have lead him to this conclusion of no longer feeling he can cope. He is not coping at the moment, he is very different to when I met him, for example he used to be meticulous about cleaning but now he has given up (I think because cleaning is a big trigger for upset with me, mostly because he always tells me my cleaning isn't good enough). It is clear he is unhappy, and I do get that.
He says I don't meet his emotional needs and that if something big happened I wouldn't be able to cope. I think I would be able to, I just have never needed to prove this.
He says he doesn't want to decide until January what to do, and has put a pause on conversations at the moment, but I feel I'm just living in constant anticipation of the fact things will end. I desperately want us to go to couples counselling to help us communicate with each other, but he says he just doesn't have the capacity.

I feel like I have too much hope at the moment, and it being a global pandemic is obviously not helping. I just feel frustrated that he can say he still loves me but not want to work on things, especially when I've worked so hard on myself. I just feel so gutted that we planned a whole future together and now it likely won't happen. Am I being silly for hoping? Am I actually a really awful person?

You're not an awful person at all, but it sounds like your partner is also struggling and needs some support at the moment. Do you feel that you give him equal support?

You're definitely not an awful person. It sounds like you're taking steps to improve your mental health which is really positive.
However, he doesn't owe you a relationship. It can be very difficult and draining to live with someone who is struggling with their mental health, and he is well within his rights to walk away.
What is not really ok is for him to leave you hanging until January, that just seems cruel.

I can see this from your DP side. My DH has bioplar and i carry the mental load of the house on a day to day basis. When stressfull events happen, like you he meltsdown then shuts down and im left to cope with kids, all practical stuff and look after him. The stress is absolutely overwhelming. A good example is my dad died in march and 4 weeks later i was diagnosed with grade3 cancer. He lost his job 2 weeks later and completely melted down. I had to cope with my grief, health issues, treatment, pain and tried to sort out all the financial issues too while making sure he took medication, comforted him while crying etc. The weight is utterly overwhelming- knowing no matter how bad things are you are always in this on ypur own.
Ask yourself an honest question, do you meet his emotional needs? Do you carry at least some of the mental burden in this realrionship? Are you planning to have kids and if so how would you cope with that? You said you say horrible things when you meltdown, that can be very very hard to forget and may have just worn down your partner too.

To be honest it does sound like he is backing away from the relationship, and although this might be not what eventually happens, do you feel as though you could find support outside of the relationship- therapy/ friends/ family to take the pressure off him and build up your own life.

How many meltdowns have you had this year and what types of things trigger them?

What difference will January make for him?

You're not an awful person. You are someone suffering with bad mental health.

But the thing to understand is that the partners of those with mental health problems can eventually have their own mental health and happiness eroded by the situation. Plus which, their partner isn't in a position to provide the same support that they have shown. So I understand why your boyfriend is now questioning how much longer he can cope.

I'm not sure what the answer is. You sound committed to finding a solution to your issues, which is good. I'm not sure couples counselling is the right thing. Communication seems open and honest. You are open about your bad episodes. He has made clear that he isn't happy or coping. What else do you think you need to communicate to each other? Maybe what you need is along the lines of CBT perhaps? To help you respond differently when you feel episodes coming on? I'm no expert so forgive me if I'm totally talking rubbish, just trying to think outside the box or the same cycle will continue and eventually he might crack and walk out.

However, it is not on him making you wait until January to hear if he's decided to continue the relationship or not. You don't have to be so passive. Maybe separation for now is best, you each take control of your lives and have a good think, then see where you are and how you feel in January.

You might be surprised and find you feel/cope better without him because the relationship has become co-dependant. You may think you "need" him to cope with your episodes but what if you don't ?

Its a massive commitment marrying someone. Going into a marriage where one partner will be knowingly providing a large amount of additional support to the other (with potentially no improvement), is a massive undertaking.

He is, imo, giving this lots and lots of consideration before making the decision. That's incredibly sensible.

You don't need to wait for January If You don't want to. You are allowed to make the call to end things.

What triggers these meltdowns? Perhaps if you can establish that, you can better manage them ir the fallout from them. For example, you can leave the room before they escalate.

Have you spoken to a doctor about them? If not, it would be wise.

I agree that saying he doesnt want to make a decision to the new year is cruel. What dies he just expect you to spend the next two months as if nothing is hanging in the balance? Stressed to buggary. It really isn't an ok ask.

I think you should ask for space whilst you take some time to work on you. And he can do the same. Perhaps the road will lead to you getting back together but one way or another you need to take the reigns in your own life and not be a passenger.

I don't really get it. You say you can meet his emotional needs if something big happened? Well, that's now. Right now, try to meet his emotional needs. Try to console yourself and put him first for a change. Try to self soothe through your meltdowns.

I'm not saying this to be rude but to point out that you seem to be pointing to some future "event" where you will take care of him but he's asking for it now. If you can't do it to save the relationship then why would you do it when you are married and he can't leave?

And why do you even want couples counselling? It seems to me like he's communicated his needs very well and you've done the same. He doesn't want to spend his weekends holding you through uncontrollable crying and saying "horrible things you don't mean" to him. You want him to do that.

What exactly do you think the couple's counsellor will say?

Are you getting help for your problems, proper help.
I had to deal with my mothers poor mental health all my life and now at 60 I'm completely exhausted with it. I simply cannot cope any more and I have to keep my distance for my own sanity.
I would be unable to live with a partner with mental health problems as I feel it would tip me over the edge.
It's very difficult for another person to cope with.

you're not an awful person, you just have some struggles with your mental health. Obviously I can only go on what you've written but from what you have put it sounds like your partner has more mental health struggles than he's fully revealed to you (not just linked to you and your issues he supports you through) and maybe he's realising this relationship isn't great for you both as you're both vulnerable and needing that support but are probably both not in a position to provide it to the other completely. Again, I could be totally wrong.It might be worth some soul searching from you both about whether long term you'll be good for each other? You can deeply love each other and still accept you're not completely compatible, as much as that will hurt you both. But its better than you both wearing yourself out with something you're probably both not getting what you need from. I hope this doesn't come across harshly. I have mental health issues I've been dealing with for years and know a relationship for me only works if the other person is a certain way. I do my best to manage it all myself and not lean on my partner, but at times we can't help it and I have to make sure any partner I'm with won't be detrimentally affected by that.I hope I'm making sense xx

You're not an awful person at all OP and sorry you're going through this.

His own mental health is just as important as yours so if he can't cope then he's done the right thing for the both of you in terms of stepping back and making space for himself to think whether he can carry on. Much better for him to do this now than if you were married. It doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong and I'm sure if the roles were reversed you would feel similar.

It's hard for the person going through their own mental health struggles to truly understand how the other person is feeling because they're naturally wrapped up in their own troubles which take up all their headspace. It's so horrible for example when a partner says bad things to you even if they apologise afterwards. Often the person with mental health issues takes for granted and just expects that one person to be there to mop up all their outbursts and problems, all the while the person's own emotional and relationship needs are being neglected.

If it's getting to the point where he himself even needs therapy then it definitely sounds like a breakup is best for both of you. He's only human and there's only so much one person can take. Are you too dependent on him? Are you allowing friends, family and counsellor etc. to also support you or are just mainly using only him?

He may be delaying it because he's conscious about the impact on you but if I were you I would just initiate the break up now because it doesn'tsound like the relationshipis currently healthy. Then as your mental health continues to improve you will have space for a great relationship with someone else in the future

I am so sorry that you're going through this. Mental health is a very difficult thing to deal with, and lots of people underestimate the amount of pressure it can put on partners.

For example I have anxiety, and also periods of depression. My DP puts up with a lot, with me worrying about things, not wanting to do things for stupid reasons, and random periods of crying when everything's just got too much. It has definitely changed the way he lives his life (as everything needs to be thought through a bit more as I can't deal with things happening at random that I wasn't expecting) but I have definitely made improvements and continue to do so .. albeit slowly.

I actually had a conversation with him the other day and he was saying how much better I've got - and how he was scared a few years ago that I was going to kill myself because I felt so low at least once a week to the point that I was inconsolable. To be fair I would say things like what's the point if I feel like this all the time, but I never ever ever meant I was going to kill myself. If I'd have known that was in his head I'd have put it straight immediately - but wow, what a thought for him to have to live with.

I know I'm not easy to live with, however I do my best and so does he, and so far we feel that it's worth it, as the happy times outweigh the difficult ones.

However I would also understand if at any point he said he'd had enough. Relationships should be rewarding and - particularly if you don't have kids - it makes no sense to stay in a relationship that's making you miserable.

You need to continue to get the help you need, but it's understandable if he doesn't feel able or equipped to give it.

I don't think couples counselling is the answer.
He needs to look after his own mental health. You say My partner has been seeing a therapist for the past 14 weeks and it seems his sessions with her have lead him to this conclusion of no longer feeling he can cope .He probably has very mixed emotions but part of it is probably a sense of obligation or responsibility to stay with you to look after you or because your mental health would suffer more. It could be a co-dependent relationship. He needs to work out himself at his own therapy and in his own head whether he genuinely wants to be in the relationship for himself, and not just for you.

Couples counselling would confuse that and I don't think it would be fair right now.

You are not an awful person at all, neither is he as he needs to look after his own mental health too.

I know this may not apply but can I tell you about me - I thought I was having mental health issues and I was having big meltdowns. Felt like tearing my hair out or throwing myself downstairs sometimes. So frustrated but my bf seemed to have a rational explanation for everything and it made me the unreasonable one.

Fast forward six months or something after we split up. Turned out that my bf’s unreasonable behaviour (which I didn’t see at the time) was the cause of my problems and I felt much calmer away from him. No pressure to confirm to his ideals. No pressure to run around after him to prove something. No jumping to his tune. No stress.

I thought I was the cause of our problems but it turns out it was him. I just didn’t see it till I was away from the situation. My family and friends saw it but I didn’t believe them. I still have my own mental health issues, most people do, but ours together made us incompatible.

So I’d suggest you split now and see how you both feel.

he will tell me how many hours of the weekend have been wasted which makes me feel worse. He takes it all really personally

Your meltdowns may not be your fault, I get that.
But in your whole post, you talk about how terrible all this is for YOU.
Nothing about how it must be for him.
Maybe this is why he’s pulling away.

Do you think he might have decided to break up with you because it’s too much for him to handle longer term and he’s floated January to give you time to adjust? I imagine he’s worried about the impact ending the relationship would have on you and doesn’t want to feel responsible for exacerbating your meltdowns. Being with someone who’s going through so much takes a hefty toll on a person and it sounds like he’s worn out.

I think you have to accept that he is moving on and he must have a reason for saying January. Easier for him to get a place of his own, or he doesn't want to leave you alone over Christmas? Either way, he has supported you for 4 years and he is being honest that he wants out. He probably needs to get out for his own MH and you can understand that, I'm sure. Time to be very grown up about this and extricate yourself from him. Access any support you can get, but let him go.

You need to end this relationship now. Your fiance is really struggling and I can imagine that he is holding off until January due to overwhelming guilt.

You say you will be able to support him if something big happens, well it's happening right now and you're basically only thinking of yourself.

I'm very sorry, but your fiance simply can't cope anymore with your mental health issues. The fact that he now need therapy to deal with things should be a huge wake-up call to you. This relationship isn't working.

I don’t mean to put the boot in by the way. You must feel awful right now. If the relationship ends I hope you can find support through a tough time. You’re young, you’ll move on eventually. But it did sound as if you need to put yourself in the other person’s shoes a bit more. If that’s the case then maybe bear it in mind. Good luck!

"He takes it all really personally" stuck out to me. If you're being nasty to him, and saying nasty things to him, off course he's going to take it personally. It's a lot harder to convince people you didn't mean the awful things you said, than to say them in the first place. And it can't be nice having someone you're trying to help, lash out at you. If you became violent during these meltdowns, would you expect him to still live with you, knowing you didn't mean it, weren't yourself etc? He's not getting physically battered, but it sounds like he could feel emotionally battered, which is just as hard to live with in many ways and can be exhausting/terrible for mental health.

It almost sounds like you think he's overeacting to your meltdowns, anx taking his support fir granted a bit, even though you're the one (unintentionally of course) overeacting to start with? I know you don't mean for it to happen, but I can see his point of view in that he isn't the one with these issues, and could have quite a different life? It sounds like there either needs to be changes to how he copes with you, when you're acting out of character, or he has to leave you, for the sake of his own mental health. If he wants a gf he can spend weekends with, then it may be better if he moves on. If he's willing to spend that time with you when possible, or with friends and family instead when you need to be alone, it may work. He's obviously torn and is probably hoping things will improve, but if you're not there yet, hard as it is for you loosing him, walking away doesn't make him a bad guy.

I've been both people in this scenario. In my current relationship, I was the one supporting the partner through severe MH difficulties and - as I'm sure you already know - it's very, very, very hard. If I hadn't had experience being on the other side, I don't know whether my relationship would have lasted - as it is, I know how it feels and he did everything he could to get and stay better.

It's shit, because it can feel so unfair ('why should your brain ruin something good?'). I get it. But that doesn't mean he gets to keep you hanging on a string in the mean time - he is absolutely entitled to say that it is having a detrimental effect on his own health and happiness, and to walk away, but you're also entitled to have clarity and honesty and I think keeping you waiting for two months is going to have a further negative effect on both of you.

Weird question here but how bad really is your cleaning- you mention that it was a big trigger for him being upset with you- that seems a slightly odd thing to trigger him?

Sorry I was going to ask the same as scabby
, he is very different to when I met him, for example he used to be meticulous about cleaning but now he has given up (I think because cleaning is a big trigger for upset with me is it that you were always cleaning, or couldn't do any cleaning as it was stressful.
I do also agree with pp that it is good that you are having some insight into things and am sorry you are having such a difficult time.

You're absolutely not awful! But neither is he. Mental health issues take a huge toll on those close to you.