Will we ever have normal, enjoyable sex?

[radiateforme]

I'm with a new partner. He's so, so lovely and there's not a lot about him I don't like at this stage. Between us, we have a multitude of issues that make our sex life difficult. I was in a sexually abusive relationship previously and exploring a healthy sexual relationship is daunting for me. He's very aware of this and I think he worries about me, which makes sex less enjoyable for him. He has erectile dysfunction. It's a physical problem as opposed to a psychological one and he's on a waiting list for a penile implant. Sex is never spontaneous (which is fine by me) but I think bothers him. I think he finds it a turn off that he has to inject his penis every time we have sex. We have only had full sex twice, and he's stopped both times because he's been too anxious or he hasn't felt ready. I didn't show any annoyance and just want to support him to feel comfortable.

I now feel really awkward, like he doesn't want to have sex. I'm scared to initiate as he doesn't get an erection naturally and I don't know how to approach sex. He's all up in his thoughts worrying about me.

Are we doomed? He really turns me on, I want to have sex with him but I worry so much that he's not enjoying it and isn't ready.

I like him a lot. I've really fallen on my feet, but sex is the elephant in the room.

Help!

I'll add that when we did have sex I really enjoyed it, so it's not bad sex. I felt a bit embarrassed that I was really in the moment and he wanted to stop. It just felt like I was totally unaware of how he was feeling.

Depends how important sex is to you whether or it’s a deal breaker. There are an awful lot of obstacles, the main one being a lack of open communication about it, which wouldn’t work for me.

@AnneLovesGilbert we have actually communicated a lot about it. In fact I think we have talked about it far too much and it's turned in to a huge thing where we b out h know so much about how the other person has felt in the past, that we are both overthinking. Sex is very important to both of us. I can see us having a really good sex life as we are both naturally quite adventurous and we are very open with each other, but I just have so many questions and don't want to talk it to death.

How new is new?

@LatentPhase 5 months or so. We only had sex for the first time a couple of weeks ago.

It sounds promising that you are both so open with each other, about emotions and ‘logistics’. Can you work out non piv things to do that cement your increasing bond and set the ground ready for piv as and when..?

@MrsWooster he had to stop me when I was going down on him, as he was so uncomfortable (I completely understand this as it must be really difficult considering what he's been through), but I loved it when he went down on me. I just feel incredibly selfish suggesting that he does this when I'm not reciprocating! I may broach the idea.

If he's on a waiting list then I'd personally take PIV (penis in vagina) type sex off the table for now, since it's clearly a source of anxiety for him.

Do you feel you need penetration to orgasm? Or could you be satisfied with oral and fingers/toys? Is he able to orgasm without being hard? (I didn't realise this was possible until meeting a man who had survived prostate cancer and could no longer get hard, but could enjoy oral and orgasm from it)

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

If he's on a waiting list then I'd personally take PIV (penis in vagina) type sex off the table for now, since it's clearly a source of anxiety for him.

Do you feel you need penetration to orgasm? Or could you be satisfied with oral and fingers/toys? Is he able to orgasm without being hard? (I didn't realise this was possible until meeting a man who had survived prostate cancer and could no longer get hard, but could enjoy oral and orgasm from it)

I don't think he can, no. It could take a couple of years for him to get the surgery though. Covid isn't helping with that. I would wait. I like him enough to wait. I don't need penetration to orgasm. If anything, I need clitoral stimulation and when I orgasm on my own I don't penetrate myself at all! I think I could have a satisfactory sex life without penetration as long as I knew it would happen one day.

I feel bad even writing on here about it as it's so personal to him, it's just not the sort of thing I could talk about with friends or family.

The answer is no, you won't have 'normal' sex. But if you want to be with him you'll have to find a new normal, accept it won't be spontaneous, and both make compromises towards finding something that works, whilst taking the pressure off, from expecting something more usual ever being possible. Good luck and sorry for being blunt!

Well firstly I'm in the boat, and when I asked for help on here every single poster told me to ltb, so be prepared for that secondly, I disagree with @LilacPebbles as surely once he's had his implant he can be as spontaneous as any other man? I do admit the waiting bit will be a bit shit until that happens, but as far as all the research I have done indicates, and believe me that's extensive, it should provide a satisfactory solution for both sides