He’s still in love with her isn’t he?

[Darkismyknight]

We have been together 20 years but he had just broken up with his fiancée before we met. She suddenly ended things and moved away to be with someone else. I know he was heartbroken. A few years ago I discovered he was still messaging her regularly. They all seemed fairly innocent messages but they were about every bit of his life, our child, his boss, everything. There were no plans to meet or anything but they were messaging a few times a week minimum. I was furious and insisted that he stopped and he seemed to. Today I realised they’ve been messaging again. On the face it’s quite innocent chat, but he always mentions a bit about her that he really fancied. We are not in a good place. Lockdown has been very hard, yet logistically it would also be very hard to break up. I don’t know what to do - ignore it and hope it blows over? She isn’t in the country so it’s not like he can actually see her. Or accept that he will always have a weak spot around her. It doesn’t feel fair.

Certainly sounds like it. Perhaps she is the "one that got away" and he will always think wistfully of her
What would be a major issue for me would be him promising no contact only to resume contact pretty quickly. he can't stay away it seems

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It would be an absolute deal breaker, the fact that he's started messaging again after he promised her stopped would be the end of the marriage for me.

I would be given him an ultimatum , it's either you and her.
Ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If you were chatting to someone who you were in love with and told them things you fancied about them?
It's inappropriate and disrespectful even if it is innocent chat. It's not on

That’s what my sister said, about her being the one that got away. That makes my guts go cold. I’ve heard she’s not with anyone at the moment either. This is horrible. I don’t think he’s actually done anything though so maybe I don’t have the right to be upset.

It won't blow over, it's been 20 years and there're still talking and he's broken your trust again. He doesn't deserve you ltb

It sounds like he’s infatuated

This isn't going to blow over he's clearly still in love with her. You have to decide if your ok being second best to someone else. Give him an ultimatum, if he can't keep to it probably time to call it a day.

That has got to be soul destroying!

You need to have a heart to heart with him. Tell him plainly how much he is hurting you sharing so much of himself with his 'one that got away'. That he has reneged on your last chat is a very heavy nail through the heart of your relationship. He may have killed it completely.

Best if luck working your way through your feelings about this

That's awful sorry OP I can only imagine how you're feeling I too would give an ultimatum. He's being incredibly disrespectful.

It sounds like a bit of an emotional affair

He's in love with the idea of his younger self.
She is a mirage.
Don't try and fix/compete whatever.
Remember how you first dated etc. bring a bit of that to everyday life.
Simplest of things can jazz up the mood, if you are still interested, that is.

I agree with @willloman - if the messages are innocent, and it was over 20 years ago, your reaction does seem disproportionate. Of course he should care that he's upsetting you and stop anyway, but if he's remained friends with this woman for over 20 years and you want him to just drop her because of unfounded jealousy, I can see why he would resent this. I would try and work on your own reaction as well as asking him to stop - she is a female friend that he just happened to be in a relationship with literally decades ago. If your relationship is good otherwise you risk damaging it because of jealousy.

Sorry Op your husband still clearly has quite/very strong feelings for his ex.

Your husband is effectively and actively in a emotional affair with this ex woman.
Even though he does not see her psycially.

I happen to think if your husband could see this ex of his woman,
he could easily be tempted to stray into a fling or a full blown affair with her.

Especially after 20+yrs the time lapsed.

I would have a conversation to say ask how would he feel if it was other way around and he was in your position.!!!

Your ex is already having a emotional affair with his ex.

He relates personal stuff to her,
he should be investing emotionally with you not her !!

I don’t think this is likely to change, after 20 years. Whether it’s really her or a younger him that he’s after, he can’t seem to stay away.

Given that there is distance between them, it seems unlikely to go further - but I’m not sure I’d want that to be the reason that my husband was faithful.

Realistically I think you have the choices of accepting this and living with it, if you want to and can do that, or leaving. He doesn’t seem capable of stopping, or to particularly want to try, and I can’t see how you could believe him if he promised he’d stay away now.

@notalwaysalonder
Are you for real or something???!!!😊

Op feelings are well founded on this issue in her marriage
And these are are the reasons as follows

Op husband regularly texts several times a week his ex !

Op husband tells his ex everything personal about his life, marriage his job etc.

Op husband even confessed how acctractive how he still fancys his ex.

And you @atnotalwaysalonder, thinks Op is just jealous with no Grounds at all!!!

Would you@atnotalwaysaloner,
Would you be quite happy for your husband or your boyfriend for them to have these kinds of feelings for another woman???

You are a Hypocrite @notalwaysalondoner !!!

Stop talking bullshit..!!!

He has been secretly and frequently sharing every bit of his life with his former fiancée. The attraction is still present. You expressed your discomfort and set a boundary, which he agreed to, but he later prioritized OW and resumed contact.

OP, this is emotional infidelity and disloyalty. He has disrespected and dismissed your feelings to continue building intimacy with OW. In my marriage, this would be a dealbreaker.

Hi Op what worries me about your husband and his ex is what kind of stuff he is telling his ex that is personal stuff of everything relating to his life etc.

This is a betrayel of Trust especially if he talking about his marriage.

Your husband talking/texting his ex on a regular basis why does he neglect you and his relantship with you in marriage.

It makes you feel crap that he does not respect intimate personal stuff...

Your husband trashes your feelings .
Your husband tells his ex he still Fancy's her .

He your husband is disrespectfull.

What a Arsehole your husband is..!!

This is soul destroying stuff.

He's indulging in escapism. It's not uncommon. It's a fantasy not reality. Not a breaking up offence. It isn't cheating. There's no such thing as an 'emotional affair' it's a new age excuse to break up a marriage. It is however a boundary breach. You need a heart to heart. Can he pursue a hobby to create some escapism from everyday life? Sounds like you really need to talk this one out and get him to get his head out of this fictitious world

I’ve lived this. It’s an emotional affair. Talking frequently, secretly. You’ve told him that this hurts you and he’s still doing it. He’ll change her name in his phone soon, if he hasn’t already. He has placed her above you in who he cares for ( I’m sorry, I know that hurts) I’m one foot out the door as I’m no ones second best. You aren’t either. Too much life to live still. However, I do understand how hard this is, you’ve been together twenty plus years, a child and you love him. They just get sneakier though. Sending hugs.

OP, this is emotional infidelity and disloyalty. He has disrespected and dismissed your feelings to continue building intimacy with OW. In my marriage, this would be a dealbreaker.

It really boils down to this. He knows it's wrong, he knows it upsets you and yet he does it anyway. Incredibly disrespectful.

Fuck him op.

Use your joint money for things that make YOU feel better about yourself.

He's an idiot.

Hi Op
I don't how old you are?
But you don't have to put up with this kind of shitty behaviour from your husband you do know that don't you???

There is plenty fish out in the sea,
Better men out their for you op who could can treat you better than your husband is.

You only live once Op rember this...

I know this issue in your marriage is really eating you up making you feel real disoriented...

I know I have been in your shoes

Take care op.xxx

When we have talked about it before he has sworn that he’s no intention of seeing her, they’re just mates and it’s innocent. The last time this came up she was with a long term partner but as I say, I’ve heard that’s ended and that makes me more jumpy. We both know that we aren’t happy, but it’s quite another thing to think he might regret being with me. I don’t know, I’m driving myself mad. His emails (which he doesn’t know I see) are all chatty and happy and he’s a miserable twat when he’s home with me.

Tell him he’s making you feel like 2nd best by pining for her, it’s like like he settled for you. Which in turn gives you doubts about the longevity of your relationship and makes you consider whether it’s better to end things now. She hurt him by breaking up with him abruptly, however his actions are in turn hurting you.

I’ve said that. He says I’m being absurd. I’m going to have another talk to him but he makes me feel like I’m the unreasonable one.