Is this normal?

[Jollypolly39]

I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years, we live together but I’ve felt like our sex life has dwindled somewhat over the last 6 months. I know life gets in the way and we still cuddle on the sofa every night but the sexual side is on average once every 2 weeks. I also feel like I instigate it more than him. I’m not used to me being the one having a higher sex drive than my partner and it seems early in our relationship for it to be dwindling. I guess I’m asking if this seems normal to others or not? I have mentioned it to him and he’s assured me he still fancies me and there’s no reason, just bad timing with going to bed at different times / life / being busy etc.

Depending on your age yes this is fairly normal ... whatever normal is. Someone will be along shortly to tell us all how they do it 3 times before elevenses...

You have to make time for each other, try and go to bed together at least some of time. What's normal varies but it's really what your happy with that matters.

You’re right and everyone’s “normal” is different... I guess I just wanted reassurance it wasn’t glaringly obvious there was something to worry about. I’m late 30s, partner mid 40s. 😊

Are you happy with the frequency of it?

I’m not sure there really is a normal but I definitely don’t think it’s ‘abnormal’. It’s hard when you have mismatched sex drives, I’d be happy with once every few weeks, DH wants every day! I think you sort of just have to find a good middle ground and both compromise a bit (although that doesn’t sound massively romantic now I’ve just written it down!)

@YakkityYakYakYak I’m glad to hear it doesn’t seem abnormal, I didn’t have a serious relationship for a while before this one so I have forgotten what it’s like when you live together etc.

@user1481840227 I think I would be happy with an average of once a week. My friend was saying her husband wants it everyday after ten years together so think that’s made me worry!

Everyone is different, in my late 30's I was seeing someone who on reflection, had a rediculous sex drive. Don't know how I kept up, but I did, really couldn't possibly be keeping up with that level now I'm 10 years older. I think there's sometimes a peak in drive late 30's to early 40's, it's like hormones are telling you it's the last chance saloon for making babies. Mind you, he was bloody good at it, so that was probably a pull too, don't think I'll ever meet another as good as him, but I'm pretty close to it at the moment, although nowhere near as frequently. Once or twice a week will do me these days, but we don't live together, so if gap of 2weeks occurred now and then, I wouldn't be too concerned. Can be a bit off-putting if you always have to instigate it, a bit of mutual flirting before things happen is nice.

@Opentooffers I think living together does change things and you get more comfortable, He does initiate sometimes but probably 1/3 him, 2/3 me. He just seems happy to cuddle most nights and and in past relationships a “cuddle” never really meant just a cuddle. But with my partner it does!

A good sex life in an LTR does not happen by magic, you have to work on it just like any other aspect of your relationship. Your DP should make an effort to take your comments on board, from your OP it does sound slightly as though he's minimising the issue. I would be concerned if my DW said something like this and I would react by initiating more often.

We have an informal agreement that we should try not to go longer than a week without, we have pretty much stuck to this apart from the aftermath of childbirth. It has been fundamental to the stability of our 30-year relationship.

I think that what’s happening when you said your sex life dwindled - is that he got back to his usual preferred frequency of once every few weeks.

And - I also think that for a man in his mid 40s - it’d be considered quite a low drive.

Also - given that it seems that you initiate things more than he does - I presume his natural drive is even less than that.

Whether it’s normal or not - it’s up to you to decide. Given that you describe it it as a ‘dwindling’, so I am guessing it isn’t really meeting your needs.
Unfortunately mismatched libidos aren’t easy to work around. You would either have to suppress yours, or find other ways of dealing with it on your own.
It can create resentment and hurts over time.

Nearly two years in and living together.

We have sex probably 2 or 3 times a week. Both instigate it, him at bedtime, me more in the day.

I do have a higher drive than him, which is weird because I was dead from the waist down in my last marriage.

Oh I'm 49 and he is 53

I am tempted to sit back and see what happens over the next couple of months without me instigating anything. Then I know exactly how long he’s willing to leave it. I do go into the spare room during the week sometimes for a good nights sleep because he snores and gets up earlier than me so maybe that doesn’t help 😬 I think my main worry is if his sex drive is low now, how low will it get years down the line? I think I am more bothered about this side of things in my 30s for some reason, I was married in my 20s and would have been happy with once every few weeks back then!

Jolly

If his drive is this low now - it’s very clear where it would go in 10 years time. And at that point you are likely to still be sexual. Many women go through quite an active sexual phase in perimenopause....
Of course sex isn’t everything and relationships can be based on many different things..

In addition - it is possible that the lockdown affected him and you as a couple. It isn’t as easy to maintain a healthy level of excitement about ones partner while being stuck together for weeks and months.

If I were you - I’d have an honest conversation with him about it all. See if he opens up and if you can figure out what is what. Maybe there are also things you can do as a couple to keep things interesting?