Help me to word my last ditch attempt

[lastlastditchattempt]

Disclaimer - I know that whatever I say will probably make no difference and I'm preparing to leave if it doesn't.

So DP and I been together for 14 years.

Increasingly he -

1. Is dismissive of me, only wants to talk about his interests, looks mildly irritated at times if I talk.
2. Tries to dictate lots of things around our DC, I have to fight for a say.
3. Snaps or sneers at me with contempt if I do anything he doesn't agree with, for example calling me 'pathetic' for using hand gel at a cafe.
4. Is not supportive or caring to me anymore. I had a family scare recently and he didn't say anything nice or hug me when I told him.

I'm getting to the end of my tether, I find myself hating his company and feeling hurt, going off him sexually. He refuses to discuss the relationship, tells me to fuck off if I don't like him.

I feel like I need to make one last effort to make him see before I leave, because we actually had a relatively happy relationship for so many years. This behaviour was mild and occasional before, but it's been gradually increasing for around 2 years to now it's almost all the time.

I'm struggling with how to word this ultimatum though. I think he knows he treats me like shit, so I doubt he will listen. He has depression but so do I and I don't treat people like this.

How do I word it? Every time I try to write something it is rambling, off on tangents, or not concise.

I've seen people write really well on here, help please!

You could word something amazing. He could turn his life around.... It's sounds like it's too late for you. He has slowly but surely killed your love for him.

Bless you op. I really feel for you.

The ultimatum has already been issued, though. He's told you to fuck off if you don't like him.

Can you think why you're trying to issue one back to him, when you've already been put on notice?

Is it possible that your natural tendency towards anxiety is causing you to perseverate over this relationship, even after he has given you this ultimatum? Even after it has ended, really?

I mean this gently, I don't think your sick anxious feelings are going to be taken away by communicating more with this person. He isnt on your side, he has been crystal clear on that. He isn't going to make you feel better.

There are no magic words that you could say that would cure him.

Sending you love xx

Thanks everyone.

I'm so down about it all. The unhappiness is seeping into every area of life.

I know him well enough to know exactly what he'd do if I split with him. We did split up 6 years ago for a few months.

He would be angry and ignore me for maybe a week. Then he would try to pretend like nothing had happened. Rinse and repeat that a few times, with him getting increasingly controlling over the DC, implying I'm a bad parent and that he'll be going for custody. Then eventually when he realised I'm serious he'd apologise and say he will change. I don't know how long for. I don't want to do that. I want to be completely done if I'm done. It hurts and angers me that he is motivated by loss for him but won't change on account that I'm unhappy.

I don't have many people in my life. Siblings and one good friend who lives far away and that's it. That is a big reason I stay I suppose.

It's only very recently I've went off him sexually. I do fancy him, but I just don't want to be close to someone who treats me like that.

My ex was lovely for 20 years, then he suddenly changed and was really snappy with me. Reason was....he had begun an affair.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC You could be onto something there. I naturally ruminate over everything! I'll go over and over something until I have a solution. He's not allowing me a 'solution' to this by knowing full well how unhappy I am (been telling him for months) but refusing to talk and in essence keeping me in limbo. I need to get the solution myself.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure he is happy in the relationship, if a little bored, except from what he says is my 'agitating' . We don't have much money but have a relatively easy home life, we share some of the same interests so he has someone to do things with (he stopping talking to his friends and most family years ago), we split housework, until v recently we had a good sex life. I don't understand then why he has changed and treats me with such contempt. Youngest DC asked me the other day does dad always snap at you and change the subject when you talk like that..

@wigglyworm002 My 'D'P has always had slight tendencies to this kind of behaviour though, although nowhere near on the scale of recently.

I see what you mean though, I have been wondering about that. He's not having an in person affair I'm sure of that. No time unaccounted for, no suspicious behaviour at all, and he's an awful liar, it's actually quite funny how bad a liar he is, if he was lying about where he was etc I'd know in an instant. However it's possible he could be chatting to someone online. I hate that thought. Does that mean I still love him.

I'm sorry to hear what happened with your ex and I hope you are over him.

Sorry for all the long posts!