Talking about ending our marriage. I don’t know where to start.

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Since maybe May (thanks Covid!) DH and I have been bickering and arguing a lot. He lost his job, I’m a student so I don’t earn any money and am a SAHM too. We’re both home ALL THE TIME.

Our place is small so we’re on top of each other. He is stressed and anxious about money, I have a sort of bubbling along low-level anxiety and depression.

Meaning: we have no affection for one another and fight almost every day.

Today we had a fight over cleaning (nothing) and then about the way we speak to each other. Neither of us likes the way the other speaks to the other. We get very, very nasty very quickly when we fight. Say awful things.

Last week I said I thought the marriage was over; but we both cried and decided to try.

Today DH says it’s over and he’s out. He doesn’t want to try anymore. I told him to leave then but he says no, as he doesn’t want to “abandon his kids”. I said it’ll be hard on them, we need to try and he says no.

I don’t know what to do. I definitely dislike him, but can’t stand the idea of being divorced and the kids being split in half like that. Older child would find it very difficult. I also don’t want to start again.

I think we should do counselling or something, but we definitely can’t afford it.

I don’t know what I’m asking here. Advice? What I can do? I don’t know. I walk around every day with a pit in my stomach. I’ve started breaking out into low level things like cold sores that I haven’t had since in my 20s.

Well these are unusual circumstances aren’t they?
How was your relationship before Covid? Were things okay then?

I suppose what you have to think of is deep down, if he was to land himself another job tomorrow, would that be enough to repair the damage and make you both want to try again?

Or realistically, are you both done entirely regardless of circumstance.

Counselling may work but realistically it sounds like perhaps you do both need some time apart. I don't know how you can do this practically if finances are tight?

We’ve always been big arguers throughout our whole 15 years together.

But I had post natal depression after my 3-year-old and he wasn’t supportive or sympathetic (although now says he was) so things have been less than ideal since then. We had always been like best friends, but definitely not lately.

I think I would try again because of the children and honestly not wanting to start again with anyone else. He says no, but I don’t know if he means it. It’s hard to know as he’s so angry at the moment.

I think we’re both low level depressed and sick of each other’s company (!). I’m not sure what he thinks.

First of all, do your children witness and hear these big arguments? If so, do you understand how damaging they can be for their growth and understanding of how unhealthy relationships work? If you keep the children protected then can you just try and get through until lockdown is over and get therapy. However, it sounds like your husband is done with everything. If he means it then there is nothing you can do but accept and work towards co parenting. You are both under stress and the marriage has become toxic. You both need space and a breather from each other. Try and find a way to give both or yourselves that. You say the only reason you don't want to split is the children and not wanting to start again. You don't mention that you love and adore your husband and would do anything to stay together. So, maybe you have been checked out of the relationship for a long time and fear of being alone has kept you in the marriage?

We try and keep the arguing for when the children are asleep etc. We think we’ve kept them out of it, but I’m so worried they’ve noticed. We’re all home a lot lately!

Honestly I do worry for the kids. And personally, I want a non-complicated family life. I don’t know if I love him anymore. I think you might be right that I checked out a long time ago, but stay because of the kids and fear of being alone. Not a great thought!

Do you have a Relate Counselling in your area? They off cheap subsided relationship counselling? Or perhaps your DHs work offer counselling ?

DH is out of work at the moment (Covid related) but I haven’t looked into relate. I have heard of them, I will start researching. DH grumbled the word “counselling” at me this evening, so I think there’s a chance he’s willing...

The situation we're in is very difficult, and must be very hard for you both stuck at home AND worrying about money. Part of me says its the wrong time to think of splitting, the other part understands how tough it would be being stuck in that situation.

I have struggled with negative thoughts about my relationship since lockdown, though luckily I returned to work half way through the first one and am working now. Finances are not a concern, and with older teens, parenting isn't so much of an issue, though 15 yo struggles with anxiety and suffered the most of all of us when she couldn't go to school.

I have considered splitting up - or not actually considered doing it, just have thought a lot about the possibility. No decision made though and I am trying to be positive. Have set myself a deadline of NOT considering it until my 15 yo has completed her GCSEs as it wouldn't be fair to her.

You don't sound sure either way and I suppose I think it would be better, if possible, to wait until a better time. And if you can get counselling to help you through, that would be a good first step, whatever the outcome may turn out to be.

Second the point about protecting your kids. If your house is small then they will definitely be hearing you. You're adults so please bring in self control and stop having these big blow out arguments that are utterly horrible and unsettling for your kids. It's disturbing the peace of their home and is selfish. Go ahead with the counselling and also go to the GP for medication/therapy for the depression (if you both haven't already).