Ok here goes... I’m looking for some advice please.
I’m married with 2 children (12 and 8) and been with my husband since I was 20 (I’m not 38). We get along well although he gets very stressed with work and doesn’t spend much time with the kids. He tends to hide away in the evenings smoking or going out golf at the weekends. Our physical relationship pretty much fizzled out a long time ago perhaps when the kids came along. I sort of feel like a single mum as he’s not very involved. We’ve talked about it at times in the past and say that things need to change (I agree I need to work harder at it too), but we sort of drift along.
I found out by chance last weekend that he has been texting another women. She lives in another country and they play online gaming together. I saw his phone on the side with kiss emojis... started shaking and asked him outright. He said we’re just friends but looked guilty as hell. I only saw a few messages. He stays up really late playing this game and has for months. I just let him thinking it helped him relax (lol the irony).
We talked, he said he crossed the line but that most of the texts were about the game, he said it just got out of control, he said it’s only been recently, that he doesn’t even know what she looks like.
I was shocked, we talked a lot, about the kids, what we should do. I thought he would stop messaging her as I said this could mean the end of our marriage.
Fast forward a week and I looked on his phone while he was asleep and discovered they had sent photos to each other weeks ago, some from our house, others at golf, he had talked about his birthday, shared kid photos of themselves, they had been messaging 100 of times a day. She didn’t know he was married and had kids. He still didn’t tell her after I found out.
He had messaged her to say he’s so sorry he hurt her feelings, that she’s ace, that they can’t do the messages they did before (sexting), it reads like he’s been told he can’t not that he doesn’t want to. So in that week they had still been messaging! Saying good morning how are you, talking about the game, work, goodnight etc.
So I told him I’m broken, my daughter is going through a difficult teenage like time and having counselling. I can’t stand to think of hurting her, my son is less aware. I told him I needed space and he’s moved to this mums for a few days.
We’ve exchanged text messages and as of yesterday they were still talking as friends.... It’s like he can’t let her go, he says the game makes him feel good as he’s so far up the league on it but in reality I think it’s her making him feel wanted and desired. Today he told her he wants to save his marriage. However... I asked for a copy of the text, expecting just one texts that’s it, final.... and there were pages of it... him apologising, telling her she is a good person. I queried this and he said it’s not her fault, he can’t be mean to her. Yet... he’s still got the messages so clearly not deleted the chat app (game chat).
There was even a message from a few days ago where he sent her a photo of his dashboard with the song “best thing I never had” and text saying potentially fitting with a shrug emoji.... I asked him and he got a bit shirty saying wtf I’ve told her and oh ffs...
Advice please
Hurt/angry/scared