How does co-parenting work?

[TaurusMama]

Can anyone with their experience of this shed some light please?

Thank you!

Hi OP

I think my ex and I co-parent well (which is something of a miracle given how we split up ). Anyway, we have both children pretty much 50/50. They tend to stay with him during the week nights but I pick them up from school and normally give them dinner etc until he finishes work, so we both spend time with them every day. We alternate having them at weekends.

I suppose what makes it work is that we both want to put their interests first and always have done. We live in the same town and still do birthdays and Christmas day together. We're flexible and still help each other out if necessary (came in very handy when I got Covid!).

For the first year or so, we still had family meals out and I've still very close with his family.

The DC seem very happy and settled. My youngest has ASD so it's been more difficult for him at times but he's much better with the situation now.

Oh, and we never badmouthed each other (in front of the children anyway!). He is also quick to support my parenting and vice versa.

Anyway, maybe I just got lucky. He was a crap husband but he's an amazing dad.

Good luck :)

I think DP and his ex have a great co-parenting relationship. I am also a child of separated parents so am looking at it from that perspective too.

I think it is due to the following:

DP and his ex live within walking distance of each other and are committed to doing this until the children have grown up. This means that the children can maintain their social lives and clubs etc. no matter which house they are at.

They are flexible with contact. It works our the DSCs, ours and their mum's plans. If their mum wants a night out/ is busy with work / just fancies some time to herself the DSC are welcome here. Similarly, if, for some reason we are unable to have the children as usual she is flexible. We tell each other before booking holidays or if we are going to a wedding or something so that other parent can ensure that they are free. Also, if the DSCs fancy some more time here or with their mum then it's not an issue.

DP has never bad-mouthed their mother in front of them and, as far as I am aware, she hasn't done that to him.

Their mum has supported the children in getting to know me and forming a bond. This means that they are comfortable coming here and feel like they can be close to me without feeling disloyal to their mum.

Neither parent makes unilateral decisions about the children without discussion.

@Needhelp101 sounds like you have a really great set up..

@KylieKoKo thank you - glad to know it works

I do wonder what co-parenting a 3 year old would be like..

It's different for every family. Me and my ex co parent my son, he drops him at mine at 6.30 every morning on his way to work, I get my son ready fed and to school, pick him up after school and give him tea. Then I drop him at his dads at 7 or 8. That way he sees both of us every day. I go to bed early which is why my son stays with his dad. We both have a full day with our son at the weekend. Me saturdays, him Sunday's. It works for us.

Oh yes, as @KylieKoKo says, not making any decisions about the children without informing the co-parent for discussion.

Also, I date casually but he knows he can trust me to keep that part of my life firmly separate from the children. And when he got a serious girlfriend, he asked me if it was okay for her to meet them, which of course it was shame he ended up cheating on her too poor girl 🙄.

Anyway, I do wish you luck. Keep the lines of civil communications open!

We co parent a 4 & 7 year old. It's very amicable which is definitely the main thing when it comes to co parenting. We plan contact (he works shifts so he has them 2 nights a week and collects from school 2 afternoons) but if he happens to have more time or is WFH, then he'll ask to see them and I always say yes. We're very flexible, spend main days together like birthdays, Christmas, Easter, pumpkin picking, seeing Santa etc. We're genuinely friends so the kids only see friendly stuff. If they want to call daddy, they always can.

It can take time to build a good co parenting relationship. It's good to discuss boundaries and expectations but also be patient. Let it evolve and tackle each thing as it comes. Communicate properly and fairly. I bite my tongue a lot because obviously he's still him, which is why we aren't together, but this is just about the children so it's much easier to bite my tongue!

I see co-parenting very much like the above posters - it's flexibility and communication. Also seeing the children even when not formally with you. So pick ups from clubs / school etc can be done by the non nighttime parent that day so you can see them for a check in.
Also yes, your ex will not have changed so you will still need to put him with same frustrations b it as pp said it's so much easier to turn a blind eye now.
There is a certain luxury to it though - two houses, proximity and two of everything to minimise transfer of stuff. Unfortunately this is certainly not available to a lot of people.

Just to add, we both work full time so in a way it was an easier transition as we always had to share pick ups etc around our jobs anyway. There was no sudden pick up of children workload from his side and I think that really helped in the transition as kids were used to is looking after them between us anyway.

My ex and I are meant to be co-parenting but unfortunately I think you need both parents to be equally committed. My ex apparently "dreads" his 2 days a fortnight with them as he doesn't know what to do with them. He puts himself first all the time and doesn't keep me informed about things that affect them 🙁. We split in January with agreed 50/50 contact and this has already been cut down to less than 30/70. So I now do the parenting. So my advice would be, although it's the ideal, you cannot make someone else committed to it if they don't want to and in these instances it is not the best scenario for the children.

@Needhelp101

Hi OP

I think my ex and I co-parent well (which is something of a miracle given how we split up ). Anyway, we have both children pretty much 50/50. They tend to stay with him during the week nights but I pick them up from school and normally give them dinner etc until he finishes work, so we both spend time with them every day. We alternate having them at weekends.

I suppose what makes it work is that we both want to put their interests first and always have done. We live in the same town and still do birthdays and Christmas day together. We're flexible and still help each other out if necessary (came in very handy when I got Covid!).

For the first year or so, we still had family meals out and I've still very close with his family.

The DC seem very happy and settled. My youngest has ASD so it's been more difficult for him at times but he's much better with the situation now.

Oh, and we never badmouthed each other (in front of the children anyway!). He is also quick to support my parenting and vice versa.

Anyway, maybe I just got lucky. He was a crap husband but he's an amazing dad.

Good luck :)

Yes, similar here..

It wasn't great when me and my ex split as he had an affair so it wasn't amicable. However, I decided straight away that the kids didn't need to know those details and we did everything together from telling them we were separating onwards.

As my anger subsided, being pleasant to him in front of the kids got easier and now, 3 years down the line we get on pretty well again. We always go out for a meal for their birthdays together and he comes over Xmas morning as we usually have joint presents for them.

He has them EOW and 1/2 nights in the week but we are flexible if either of us has something on, as long as we give each other enough notice. I did have to be quite firm at the start as he seemed to prioritise his OW over the kids a lot but he is much better now.

It can be done but you have to put everything else aside, apart from your kids and their best interests.

@Sunshineandflipflops would you mind sharing some tips on how you were firm? My ex also had an affair and we haven't told the kids. I am friendly to him and we do spend time together as a family still but I am struggling with his behaviour when it's his weekends. I have tried the be nice and suggest things and he ignores it. I've tried the get cross and tell him he has to step up and I get told I can't tell him how to parent, which I suppose is true to some extent isn't it 🙁

@Worakls Sorry to hear you are having problems with your ex.

Yes, you are right in that unfortunately what he does with the kids in his time is up to him (within reason of course). My issues weren't so much what he did with them when he had them but changing plans at the last minute, being late which impacted on my plans, etc. Funnily enough, all that got better once he split with the OW.

He introduced the kids to his new gf a lot sooner than I would have liked and told him so but his social life has always taken precedent so it was easier for him to be able to mix his relationship with his fatherly duties. To be honest, his current gf has children too (the OW was younger and didn't) so he actually does more interesting things with our kids now, which has worked out well for them.

What are the issues with your ex? Is it lack of quality time with your dc? Although as their mum it's not nice to see, they will grow older and not want to spend as much time with him and it will be you they make the lovely memories with.

I think the key is that both parents need to be reasonable, respect the other one as an equal parent and communicate well with each other when it comes to the children. This means that they both need to let go of anger and resentment, or at least be able to separate that from parenting. I totally agree with @worakls that it takes both parents and that you can't control the way the other parent behaves so it is not always possible.

Living close to each other just makes the whole thing easier on the children. I have seen quite a few threads on here with issues caused by one of the parents moving far away.

@emailadress

I see co-parenting very much like the above posters - it's flexibility and communication. Also seeing the children even when not formally with you. So pick ups from clubs / school etc can be done by the non nighttime parent that day so you can see them for a check in. Also yes, your ex will not have changed so you will still need to put him with same frustrations b it as pp said it's so much easier to turn a blind eye now. There is a certain luxury to it though - two houses, proximity and two of everything to minimise transfer of stuff. Unfortunately this is certainly not available to a lot of people.

Absolutely this in that if you can afford two houses etc, as @emailadress says. I feel fortunate.

And yes, if your ex isn't going to step up to the plate (as sadly so many do), successful co-parenting is going to be a lot harder.

Thanks everyone xx