New relationship

[Chelsmomof2]

So, I’ve been seeing a guy that I’ve known for 10 years for about 8 months. Everything is heading in the right direction. I have a 7 year old and 2 year old. Neither who see their Dad, (long story he’s in prison for domestic abuse won’t be out for another 4 years) so I don’t have a child free night unless I pay a babysitter and then it’s only for a few hours and with this pandemic it’s never going to happen. He’s been staying over night for a little while, and will leave at 5-6am before the children wake up.
Anyways, we’ve recently had the talk about what we would both like and have discussed the whole marriage, moving in together having kids and we are both on the same page wanting the same thing.

But when’s the right time to introduce him to the boys? I never really planned for this because at first we both just wanted a bit of fun but one thing led to another and we both want more. I’m just so worried because of what children witnessed (especially my eldest, my youngest was only 9 months old when I left)

It sounds like you have your head on straight and have been taking things slow.

I would suggest maybe doing the freedom program and reading up as much as possible on how to spot abusers early on. That way, before moving forwards with this man,you can be more sure that he will not turn out like the last.

Hold off moving in together for a good while yet but I think you should be ok (provided theres no red flags in his behaviour) to introduce him to the kids. Even just as a 'friend'.

I’ve done the freedom programme, and varies other programmes. He gives me no red flags or any reason to doubt him or his behaviour.

Oh, the moving in conversation was just a ‘so are are you looking for in the future’ kinda thing, isn’t something that would happen for a long long time, but I guess it’s good to know what the other person wants or looking for.

Well for starters, an arrangement where the only time you see someone is when the kids are in bed and who sneaks out first thing in the morning isn’t a relationship.

It’s also not at all appropriate to have him staying over when your children haven’t even met him yet.

What happens if one of them is ill in the night? Has a nightmare? Crawls into bed with you when you’re still asleep and finds this strange man there?

Around eight months is fine to meet the kids, but you need to take a step way back, introduce them to the kids during daylight hours, maybe go for a walk etc etc and stop the sleepovers until the kids have at least had a couple of months to get used to him.

You've known him for ten years, seeing him 8. No red flags, if he makes you happy, go for it, OP. You will know when the time is right xx

I do see him during the day as well. He’s stopped over a max 3 times within the last month (nothing before that) It’s not been something that’s been planned it’s kinda been a fallen asleep on the sofa crawled into bed and left first thing int he morning.

My eldest does actually know this guy as it’s his football coach (We had been seeing each other before my son went into his new team so he became his football coach after we started seeing each other)

He’s asked if he can come with us this weekend as I said I’m going to the forest with the boys (it’s a little wooden area in my town that’s know for building dens and people leave them for each other to find and play with)

I've been in your eldest's position OP and happened across an adult I knew from another context curled up on the couch with my Mum when I woke up one night and crept downstairs. 30 years on I remember the confusion and upset. I can't imagine how much worse if he'd been in my Mum's bed!

For your Son's sake please stop the coming round when they're asleep for now and do a few daytime meet ups until your boys get the idea that he's in your lives outside of football before maybe he comes round for dinner with you all. Ease them in, please.

Good luck with it though, sounds like you deserve a good one x