Co-dependency in my marriage / time to make a decision

[TaurusMama]

Me and DH have been together 16yrs, married for 5, with toddler.

I met him when I was 17 (he is 5yrs older)

I had no clue who I was, what I wanted or where I was headed, just a simple girl figuring things out along the way..

He on the other hand was initially quite pushy about wanting a relationship and I happily went along, although had a few initial doubts as I didn't want a relationship too much at the time. anyway, we have been through a lot together and all of a sudden i have found myself at a very low place indeed; no personal money (only joint/shared), no friends, no career, no motivation and a really weird anger/rage in me.

Having our baby made me change, wake up a bit, see what's going on here, he's a great guy but we are very different.

I honestly have no idea whether to make a good go of it, sort myself out/focus on me to better myself and in turn our relationship - although he feels like a barrier to that somehow (even if he isn't really..?)

or whether to go...

not sure how/when or with what exactly as i have little support.

he provides for us, everything. i have landed myself as someone i look at in the mirror and don't recognise..

I'm very co-dependent and he is in different ways (emotionally - sucked a lot out of me over the years)

now we have our son, who is a demanding toddler i have no energy left for myself let alone us.

What is wrong with him OP ? Is he abusive to you ? Financially, emotionally, it physically?

That said .. YOU have the right to leave if you are not happy .. and you don't need a reason ...

I think you need to try and carve out some time for yourself, whether that's to make friends outside your relationship, develop a career or just have some counselling to sort out how you feel.
Once you have a better handle on why you feel the way you do, you may be better able to make decisions about your relationship.

I would definitely do some of this work before you make a decision to end the marriage, then you can be confident you have made the right choice if you do go down that route. Good luck!

@Pascal2908 he has been abusive in the past - controlling behaviours, shouting, aggression, cheated once, throwing stuff - but I stayed I put up with it.. now he isn’t controlling or shouting, but does have anger/aggression when we argue at times - Financially I have nothing of my own, we share a joint card - that’s it.. he knows all my spends, I have fallen out with many friends over the years, feeling isolated, living away from family and my life is literally with our toddler day in day out right now, he’s due to start nursery early next year..

I am due to start counselling soon..

@carbhunter thanks you - he is very stuck in his ways and never sees himself as needing to work on things, it’s all me - I’m the issue, I’m the problem, I’m difficult.. he never looks at himself and sees how difficult I find him.. to the world outside he is intelligent, charismatic and done well for himself but he can be hostile and difficult, he is sly and seems to smirk when we argue (I think as maybe he feels he has power over me and my situation)

I think a 'pushy' 22 year old starting a relationship with a 17 year old is not good.

You feel alone, isolated, like you're not the person you should be.

All big red flags imho.

Given your update, you need to leave him. Sorry it sounds like you're in a shitty situation. Can you use the next few months to get your house in order to leave perhaps when your dc starts nursery and you have more time? Find out what you are entitled to and speak to women's aid for advice. Don't stay, your life is worth more than this man...