New Relationship

[Amaranta78]

I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want it connected to some of my other posts. I have been separated for almost a year, after a fairly long and not very happy marriage and am currently mid-divorce. I have been seeing someone, on and off for a few months (though I have known him for a couple of years) but am struggling with a couple of aspects of the relationship and would appreciate some other perspectives. This guy is unlike any other bloke I have ever known and I can’t work out if the issues I’m experiencing are to do with him, or to do with me having unrealistic expectations or being overly critical. We get along so well. He is kind, clever, and funny and honest, totally on my wavelength and I can completely be myself in front of him. When things are good (nearly all of the time) I think he is the perfect person for me. The downside is that he can blow hot and cold with me and I think this might be linked to the fact he suffers with mild depression and anxiety. For example, he can sometimes cancel dates with me because he’s tired, or ‘feeling miserable’ and on occasion he doesn’t reply to my messages, or can appear uninterested and aloof. I’m generally a self-assured and confident person but this leaves me feeling insecure and needy which I hate. I only have a couple of child free evenings per week so if does cancel it can be a couple of weeks before I see him which I find hard. Can anyone shed any light on this or help me see this from a different point of view? I would love to think I have a future with him.

I would knock it on the head if I were you. Reliability doesn't sound sexy but it's really important. Find someone who cares enough to do what they say they'll do and be consistent with your feelings

If you are feeling like this so early in the relationship I think it might be best to end it.
It doesn’t seem that he thinks so highly of you if he treats you this way.

I would be ending this now. He is not emotionally dependable and it will only get worse over time. You've barely been dating and he's already causing problems. Don't leave a bad marriage only to jump into another bad relationship.

End it. I've been in this for over a year on and off, wrecks havoc with your self esteem and you find yourself needy, insecure etc and wanting their approval.

Please end it.

I agree with the others. Someone loving and respectful wouldn't do this to you.

I’m a believer that in the early stages of a relationship (which this is) people should be looking forward to seeing each other for dates, and make time to do so no matter what else is going on. I think if everything else is good, maybe try and explain to him how it makes you feel, but unless he is able to change I think you need to end things for your own sanity.

I think he wants what he wants on his terms. If you're looking for anything more than a bit of (unreliable) fun then he isn't the man for you.

I dont know if his hit and cold behaviour is deliberate, in order to make you feel insecure and needy or if he just has his own issues. But either way, if things are making you feel stressed and disappointed like this just a few month in...he isnt a keeper.

I'd advise either walking away or, treating him as a bit of fun whilst continuing to date other people.

I went through this last year. Same scenario except I had no kids. He could be the same guy . He was great when i saw him, but due to his personal issues blew hot and cold. He was not reliable and honestly looking back now selfish. I think he had anxiety and depression.

Early days he was really attentive, but things were always on his term. We talked he got better, then back to normal.

He made me anxious and needy. That’s not me. I would wake up at 5am every morning as it worried me. I dumped him early this year, felt better. Let him back in my life again and felt worse. Gone now. He did contact me this weekend as I think he is having issues with his new girlfriend, but not interested.

Think of your values. I want a partner who enhances my life not makes it harder. He did and I don’t think change. I went through a health scare whilst with him. Little suppprt and always back to his issues.

Ok I’m similar to your bf. this might make me sound horrible but I’m really not lol.

I know blow hot and cold for two reasons. Usually it’s because I’m going thru some type of depression episode fir any kind of reason. So it’s not personal but I have trouble being “all on” for a relationship. So sometimes I need to by myself or am not up to hanging out with anyone so I cancel plans.

Sometimes it’s me just not feeling the other person. And I may want to but it’s not happening so my feelings are all over the place. Thus the blowing hot/cold.

I have somewhat of an avoidant attachment style because of my traumatic and dysfunctional history so maybe he’s the same.

Thanks everyone for your input.You all talk sense and I feel that if it was my friend saying all this to me, I would tell her to dump him. The thing that is stopping me from doing that is that 90% of the time things are brilliant and at those those times my gut instinct is that he is the right one for me. At the risk of sounding like Samantha Brick, I have had a bit of male interest since I separated from my husband, but I haven't felt like this about anyone until now.
I know that he cares about me and that his anxiety is an issue. For example, I have recently been unwell with covid and he was genuinely worried and messaging me constantly to check I was ok. He asks after my children and has even said that he would like to meet them one day but that he would be nervous they didn't like him. He is very anxious about covid and the lockdown rules and as such hasn't seen his friends or family for a long time. (We are in Tier 3). I feel that he has genuine feelings for me. It's just say once every couple of months that he goes weird on me and I don't know what to think or how to react. I'm certainly not going to allow myself to be a doormat but then I don't want to be hasty and end it if it has potential to be something good.

Widespreadpanic thank you. That's interesting. I am feeling it's something like that but because I have no experience of it I don't understand it. How should I react to him?

It might be ok with you that he goes cold on you but he could be stepfather to your children if your relationship progresses. Would it be ok for him to treat them like this? I think you should have an extra high bar because you have children and he wouldn't clear a low one

I was exactly like this early in my relationship due to feeling down, feeling not good enough, fear of getting close, bla bla.. he was really patient and exactly what i needed at the time it worked out .. just the other side of the coin, trust ur gut thou

Finish it. You don't need someone with depression and anxiety, however mild, and who blows hot and cold, in your life. You are going through a divorce, don't have a man around your kids right not. Focus on yourself and them. Because no matter what you think, if you are seeing someone who leaves you feeling unsure and anxious, that will impact how you are around your kids. They don't need it, and neither do you babe. Toughen up, get him gone xx

These men are the worst because they behave well enough for stretches of time to make you think that it is good enough to keep going. Before you know it you are 3 years down the line still in a relationship in which you feel anxious, insecure and not a priority. These relationships are so difficult to see clearly when you are in the midst of one, but they are not what good relationships are about. How they make you feel is all wrong - the delight when they make you feel important to them because you aren't actually sure. 3 years down the line.

@Amaranta78

I wonder what decision you made here, I am seeing this a few months on but wanted to add to it as well. Hpoe that's ok. You answered your own question at the start loud and clear I think:

"I’m generally a self-assured and confident person but this leaves me feeling insecure and needy" - BAM! There it is. Walk away, no matter how good the other 90% is.

As someone who suffered 25 years of depression on and off I can see it from both sides. This man needs to get well before he enters a relationship, harsh though it might be. I spent ages saying 'but there is never a good time' but I have not been able to manage a healthy relationship until I got fully well and sorted.

And from the other side I have dated someone exactly like you are describing. I convinced myself that he was everything otherwise. It was not pretty and took me a loooong time to recover my self esteem.

It may feel like he is so ideal, and somewhere subconciously you may worry that you wont find anyone else that suited or on your wavelegth, but you will. And it doesn't matter how long that takes. There is absolutely no value in entering something where you have stated the sentance above. You deserve to feel safe and happy, and even sometimes excited - and for those feelings to be shared.

Wishing you all the best
Wren

He has turned you from feeling like a confident woman into a needy, insecure woman.

Is this who you want to be?

You have children, they need you to be the best you can be.

I wouldn't want him and his issues near my children.

I certainly wouldn't want a man who took away my confidence, near my children.

Have you talked to him about it OP? Told him how it makes you feel? I can understand him cancelling plans once in a while but to blow hot and cold, there's really no need. I suffer from low moods and will cancel things but I always reassure them that's it's me, not them, and would never be 'off' with them.