Relationships and settling down young!

[Confused555]

So I feel a little bit lost at the moment, can’t pinpoint exactly why. I settled down with my husband when I was 18, we have young children together and I’m now in my thirties. I can’t stop thinking that I settled down too young, I missed out the whole dating/relationship thing in my 20’s and I often feel that I never knew how a relationship was meant to be. We don’t have a very happy marriage, lack intimacy and communication, I am quite emotional lately and just not feeling myself and really quite lonely!

Dating sucks. It's horrible the majority of the time.

Very rare that you find someone sane and decent that you like and that likes you back and you both want the same things.

That aside, if you aren't happy with him, get yourself out. Better to be single and happy than together and miserable. Sometimes being with the wrong someone can be far more lonely than being alone.

Be careful what you wish for. Especially if you settled down young and are therefore not aware that the quality of the male dating pool has significantly deteriorated over the last several years. Many women in their late 20s/30s onwards would kill to be in your position to have a man willing to commit to them via marriage, wants a family and to be able to settle down and have kids.

Feeling restless and lacking intimacy and connection in any long term relationship with kids is VERY common, no matter how many people on here who may come to post in this thread, portraying perfect relationships. You obviously had a connection with him before, otherwise you wouldnt have dated or married him in the first place. I would advise seeking couples counselling at this stage, to explore the root causes of these feelings, and making changes that start to increase connection (you have to be patient as it won't happen overnight).

Many couples with children funnel all their energy and time into their kids and lose their identity through this, forgetting that they're a couple and their relationship was there before the kids came along and is actuallythe foundation of their children's security. You have to actively nurture and take care of a long term relationship, carving out regular time together and meeting each others needs. The grass nearly all of the time is not greener, and there's normally a reason why men are divorced/separated as women don't normally divorce lightly.

I think it’s not missing the dating part, for me it’s knowing what the foundations are for a happy relationship and having that experience that I would have gained from other relationships. Could I be happier? Would the sex be different? Could they be more emotionally supportive?

@LilyWater

Be careful what you wish for. Especially if you settled down young and are therefore not aware that the quality of the male dating pool has significantly deteriorated over the last several years. Many women in their late 20s/30s onwards would kill to be in your position to have a man willing to commit to them via marriage, wants a family and to be able to settle down and have kids.

Feeling restless and lacking intimacy and connection in any long term relationship with kids is VERY common, no matter how many people on here who may come to post in this thread, portraying perfect relationships. You obviously had a connection with him before, otherwise you wouldnt have dated or married him in the first place. I would advise seeking couples counselling at this stage, to explore the root causes of these feelings, and making changes that start to increase connection (you have to be patient as it won't happen overnight).

Many couples with children funnel all their energy and time into their kids and lose their identity through this, forgetting that they're a couple and their relationship was there before the kids came along and is actuallythe foundation of their children's security. You have to actively nurture and take care of a long term relationship, carving out regular time together and meeting each others needs. The grass nearly all of the time is not greener, and there's normally a reason why men are divorced/separated as women don't normally divorce lightly.

^ this x100

I agree with you. Pretty much every middle aged woman I know with a good marriage married her second long term boyfriend not the first. Each got rid of the first even though he wasn't bad, just meh. They had the guts to say no to comfortable, no to drift along with the flow, and their next relationship was a corker.

I know it’s hard to believe but you really haven’t missed out on much. The endless parade of dickheads I dated in my twenties, I could have done without. It was an upsetting and lonely time. I echo others who’ve suggested focusing on communicating with your husband and rebuilding intimacy.

@Confused555

I think it’s not missing the dating part, for me it’s knowing what the foundations are for a happy relationship and having that experience that I would have gained from other relationships. Could I be happier? Would the sex be different? Could they be more emotionally supportive?

But the point is that you would have the same stagnant feelings you're having now regardless of who you married. Because it's simply the normality of long term relationships, especially those with the responsibilities of children. You have to work on maintaining/rediscovering intimacy and connection to actually have a happy relationship - nothing in life comes easy on a plate.

And what do you gain from thinking about the past when you can't go back in time anyway? You could have just as easily met and married another man when you were older who turned out to be a cheat or a bad partner and be single and childless now (which is the situation of many many lovely women right now). You say it's not about dating but unless you've had the dating experience of most of us, you simply can't appreciate how damn hard it is to find a man who you find attractive, compatible personality wise, have shared values, who wants to actually commit to marriage (a lot of men are commitmentphobes or keep women as perpetual girlfriends to avoid the legal commitment of marriage) commitment, has no dealbreakers about them, wants kids, AND you meet them at the right time!

On top of that, every single person has bad points so the things you take for granted now in your husband won't necessarily be present in another man which could easily be a dealbreaker in practice when you're in a relationship with them, even if they have other things you feel are currently missing.

I suspect you feel like you missed out because you're not happy in your relationship.

Can you work on the marriage to get it to a better place?

OP, have you actually clearly (i.e. not hinting) communicated your needs to your husband, discussed them openly with him and said what would improve things? Most men don't get, or misunderstand, hints that may seem obvious to women. If communication is still difficult after this, that is what counselling is for and best to do it as early as you can and not just let resentment fester. He may also have his own needs he wants to discuss with you but hasn't felt able to.

I mean this kindly, but fixating on a fantasy won't do you good as the reality is almost always very different. Breaking up your family home will have adverse and permanent consequences, especially on your children, and after all that you're very likely to find that what you think you want or are missing, is not actually out there! Good men are a rare breed nowadays, and the best 'catches' are snapped up relatively quickly and by their very nature, are the ones who remain in their marriages, so therefore much less likely to become available again . The harsh truth is that any leftover attractive, personable and good men after a certain age, generally have their pick of women (as there's substantially more fantastic women relative to men) , and they are much more likely to go for a woman without the "baggage" of a failed marriage, existing kids who are not theirs, and an ex she has to co-parent with. I genuinely don't mean this to sound harsh but your lack of multiple relationship experience has shielded you from a lot of the reality out there and it sounds like you may have unrealistic expectations of what a long term relationship while juggling young kids is actually like.

@LilyWater

Thank you, you’ve put things into perspective and I am lucky. In many ways though we are different, this has only reflected in our marriage the past few years, we have shared many happy years. I don’t know why I feel this way, I just feel very distant from our marriage at present and confused.

I must say, this sounds so much like me.. I met my DH when very young. The likelihood is the grass is always greener, but i don't believe it always is..

I don't feel like iv'e majorly missed out on dating/men but more, experiences/friendships/independence/living on my own or with friends - but those are irrelevant now..

I think it's safe to say, if not happy now it's a good time to change something but if there's resentment or anger that's not a good sign at all and maybe better to go..

i'm in same boat, it's so tricky..have you tried counselling? for yourself? or together - that's what i'm looking into - just to get clearer

good luck x

If you're not happy in your relationship, I wouldn't blame that on settling down too young necessarily - and really it doesn't get you anywhere to regret the choices you made.

The past is done with. What you need to do, is start making new choices and changing your present and future.

Perhaps your marriage would benefit from relationship counselling? Or if you think it's too far gone to salvage, then looking to split up and co-parent as amicably as possible

Sounds like you could do with couples counseling to see if you can reconnect?

Saying that, I left a ten year relationship and I’d been with him since I was 19. He wasn’t the most awful person but had bad habits emotionally and while I wanted to look to the future he was happy as things were. So I left. Had a couple of friends like the posters on this board who told me I was so lucky to have a man, especially one who did household chores (apparently this meant all his other faults were erased), so I doubted myself, but it was the best choice for me in the end.

How old are you? If you have kids together I’d definitely try to unpick how you’re feeling before making any rash decisions. Counseling together and maybe individual for you if you can access it.

I married at 19 and was divorced by 39.
For me ( and I'm only speaking from my experience ) who we were as late teenagers were not who we were at an adult age .
I felt I had matured and at times had 3 children ( he was my third child )
We grew up at different stages .

You've got to work at it OP. I did the same as you and spent the mid-years (30-40s) feeling the same way. It's hard when you're dealing with children to find the time, energy and inclination but you at least need to know what each of you expect. Look at Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity. She makes the point that intimacy has to be scheduled in a long-term relationship.

It's great when you're out the other side and the children are grown up and you're still young, fabulous and you have cash but you don't have to do OLD. But if you don't work at your marriage you might not make it there together.

Look at the J curve of happiness ...you’re probably at the bottom with young children, wonderful as they are. It may well get better and anyway life is not normal at the moment so it’s easy to focus on the negatives. As others have said, long term relationships are not like rom coms, and I speak as someone with a happy marriage of more than 40 years!

Well, we don't really know what's wrong in OP's marriage - so it's a bit of a jump to tell her she has to work at it . It makes it sound like she can work at it alone and fix it, without paying any attention to her DH's part in this. Maybe it's her spouse that isn't meeting her needs (she mentions emotional support and feeling lonely in the marriage) or even that there's something seriously amiss in the marriage.

But the point is that you would have the same stagnant feelings you're having now regardless of who you married. Because it's simply the normality of long term relationships, especially those with the responsibilities of children. You have to work on maintaining/rediscovering intimacy and connection to actually have a happy relationship - nothing in life comes easy on a plate.

This.

Nothing to do with when you settled down. Do the Gottman course online and water your own grass!

Hmm, it sounds like you may be having a moment of ‘is the grass greener’

I was with a man in my 20’s and split when I was 31. I walked away knowing I may not find anyone else but I knew that we weren’t right for each other and I couldn’t spend my life with him. It wasn’t because I thought I’d be happier with someone else it was because I was unhappy with him (as it turned out so was he and we both amicably moved on)

I think you need to look at the reasons for your thoughts. Is it a case of, is this the best there is, could I be happier with someone else. Or is it more, I am unhappy and cannot live like this/would rather be alone?

Be careful. I married young and although we could have sorted out some problems we had if we'd known where to turn to at the time...I just wanted the problems to stop.

I thought the grass was greener. For a brief time it was, then it definitely wasn't -turned into a nightmare- Ex H was a decent enough man and I was a fool. Paid a high price for it ever since, met some thoughtless and unkind people since alright.

Just to clarify, I don’t want to leave my marriage and find another man, the mention of dating/relationship was based on me finding out and knowing what was important to me in a relationship and what wasn’t. I would say we are both quite different, compared to the young lovers that we once were. I think we need to seek couples counselling and see where to go from there, I think it would make everything a lot clearer. You ladies have given me some good advice to take on board. Thank you!