Support and hand hold needed whilst I prepare to boot cheating DP out

[Devoilmum]

Hi all, so I know I’ve posted a bit recently and I’ve questioned and waivered.

I think I’m my defence, I needed to have 100% belief that my suspicions were right. DPnhas been very sneaky and covered his tracks well. To all around he is the perfect dutiful husband and father.
I uncovered his affair at the start of lockdown. He didn’t deny it. Swore it was over.
I think whilst furloughed and out of sight, out of mind he managed to avoid the OW for a while.
But contact us started again and there’s no denying that he is a more than willing participant (she appears to be getting a bit fed up).

I’ve made him very aware that any further contact with her and we would be over. We had decided to try and fix things but clearly this isn’t possible now and to be honest, I suspected it wouldn’t be long before he’d be back in touch with her.

We have a joint mortgage on the house. 3 dcs in early secondary school.
My savings are in my account. His our in the joint account. What do I need to do.
I want him to move out whilst we sort things out.
Whilst he’s here, he’s in denial of his actions. He needs to start facing up to the facts and the fall out this will have.
I’ve struggled to keep things together all summer. Broken down a couple of times.
Feeling a bit stronger currently. As well as working from home full time, (fairly stressful job) I’m also coping with the terminal illness of my dm, who likely only has weeks/ months to live. And a df who is facing a cancer diagnosis.
No support close by.

I don’t know how I’ll get through this.

What do we tell the dcs?
I suspect he’ll have to move in with OW, in her cosy room in shared house in the short term. I realise he’ll be entitled to a portion of our place but not sure what or how that works.

Any help much appreciated

You need legal advice and paperwork .

House, mortgage, life insurance, tax returns, pay slips, details of work bonuses, cars, any other property , savings, shares, pensions for BOTH of you.

Please don’t underestimate pensions - they are often worth more than the family home but women focus on the house and forget the pensions.

Marriage certificates, children’s birth certificates, kids passports - take them out the house and leave with a trusted friend / relative.

Don’t ask him for anything, find then yourself.

You are under massive stress with this on top of your parents . Is there really no friend / family member/ colleague who could support you in RL?

@S00LA thank you.

I can get my hands on most stuff apart from payslips. His are electronic but he may have been sent a P60 in the post. And I have a tax statement for last year too somewhere I’m sure.

His pension isn’t worth much. It’s just the basic AE one. Cars are both in his name.

I’ll hide what I can get together.

We have a joint bank account. What can I do about that? His names are on some bills.

I think I may get some tax credits? But not sure? Reduced council tax?

I really am on my own with this. With it all. I don’t have any friends I can turn to. Maybe one but she can be quite difficult.

I only recently started in a new role at work, just before lockdown so no colleagues I feel I can talk to.

His sister perhaps, but I’ve a feeling they may know about this.

You wont get Tax Credits as new claimants have to claim Universal Credit.

You may get help with your council tax.

I would open a new bank account in your name only and get your wages paid in there.

Once he leaves get all bills in your name (not mortgage obviously) and pay them from your account.

Have a look at Child Maintenance Service website and work out how much maintenance you would be entitled to and see if he will pay that without you needing to use CMS to collect it.

I wouldnt worry what to tell the children for now, you can just say he has moved out and you both still love them all no matter who lives where.

Partner or husband? The advice will differ.

You’re right -his sister can’t be trusted, she will always take his side.

Sorry it sounds so tough. Especially with your mum. He’s a bastard for cheating while your mum is dying. Not that’s there’s a good time to have an affair.

Do you have a current account with a different bank from the joint one? If not open one.

Half the money in the joint account is yours, when you leave take it out. It can be balanced up later against your savings and his cars.

Once you have the paperwork together you can see a lawyer - ask for recommendations. Don’t tell your Dh anything.

If you are feeling sad, read the chump lady website. You will laugh and then find your anger.

Partner. Together 18 years but not married legally.

Open a new bank account. Keep your name on the joint account so you can still access it, however make sure there is no overdraft facility on it otherwise if he overdraws, you will be jointly and severally liable for the debt.

You can request that he leaves the family home seeing as he was the one who decided to have an adulterous affair. Mind you, he can refuse.

Take legal advice asap. Also, bear in mind that any law firm that you contact will not be able to represent your husband due to conflict. Not that I'm suggesting you contact ALL the good law firms near you so none of them can act for him.

So sorry you are going through this. It's really shit.

At least once you have made your decision then you can start planning your new life.

Cross posted. I see you're not married, in which case ignore everything I just said.

If you are not married you are only entitled to half of joint assets and CMS. So he can force you to sell the house. However, you also do not have to split your pension with him or your savings so if you are the higher earner, you could be better off.

Yeah sorry, ignore most of what I said too. You have no claim on each other’s assets.

Personally I’d take half the money out the joint account now before he does.

You won’t be entitled to a share of his pension if you aren’t married. I’d second seeing a lawyer to fully understand your rights and maybe you could both see a mediator to agree how to disentangle your finances and children’s arrangements. Best to try to do this as amicably as you can as you will need some form of relationship with him for a while to come whilst you have dependent children.

I’ve always paid in a near equal share for the house and the bills, despite earning far less and working part time. We each get paid into our own current account and transfer money to joint for bills. I put a large deposit down for the house.

I’m worried how I’ll afford to stay on here, or anywhere on my own. How do people manage. I earn above minimum wage but not much more.

I will certainly get legal advice but I don’t expect him to play nasty. It’s not in his nature, however I can’t speak for OW and I imagine she’ll be hoping for a better set up than sharing her room in a shared house with him, so I’ll definitely get advice.

I hope we can sort it out amicably. I’ve no idea how I’ll hope as my mum deteriorates as they live a long way away.

When you bought the house, was your large deposit protected ? Did your lawyer advise you of the implications of this ?

I think you know now that you’ve been a fool for paying half while you work less to raise his kids. However what’s done is done.

I really hope you can sort it out amicably too. I suggest you hope for the best and plan for the worst.

It’s he is into fairness and not nasty then why has he had you paying half while you earn less?

DONT Agree to give him all the money in the joint savings account, even if he put it all in. Unless of course he agrees to give you back the extra you have paid in bills and all your lost wages and pensions from working part time. And to transfer one of the cars into your name etc.

It’s easy for him to see the savings as his but not be able to “ see “ your lost wages. He will say it was your choice but it was both of you who decided.

I

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.

I don’t think my deposit was protected, no. But I can’t be 100% sure.

He’s really rubbish with money. He doesn’t actually have access to our joint account online (because he can’t successfully set up accessing it- completely his issue!) and although he put his savings in there, they’ve been moved to another account with that bank, iyswim. He’s only got his bank card for the joint account.

When I uncovered his affair, we initially talked that he’d leave and he was adamant he didn’t want me and dcs to leave the house. He even talked about selling a property he has overseas to pay off this mortgage so I wouldn’t struggle.

OW obviously will bring a different scenario I’m sure.

He bought the second car to that if he left, I would have one. Mine got written off and I have the money safely in my account. I paid for it though.

I’ve got a lot to do.