What to do about Xmas - ex husband

[OverThinkingUnderDoing]

This year will be our first Christmas having properly split up. We’d agreed we were going to split in December last year but stuck it out as normal over Christmas so the dc could have a proper family Christmas.

Obviously this is dependent on the CV situation but before we broke up we booked a really extravagant (for us) week away over Christmas in the Caribbean for this year. We booked it in about October last year when we were still trying to save our marriage for this year. We thought having something to look forward to as a family might help us stay together.

Our relationship was a mess. Dh got into drugs when I was pregnant with dc2 nearly 5 years ago and basically went a bit mad. It was cocaine and he’d stay up for days at a time working, then have these awful come downs during which I’d be blamed for everything and he hit me on about 3 separate occasions. When dc2 was about 1 he admitted he’d been doing these drugs, he got clean with the help of a rehab centre and has never behaved like that before or since. But I couldn’t forgive his behaviour and it caused the end of our marriage.

Anyway......ex dh has been stuck in NYC for 3 weeks now and it looks like he won’t be able to get back before Christmas. Dc have never gone this long without seeing him and are absolutely desperate to. If we went on this holiday he could fly over and join us for 5 out of the 10 days we’d be there. He can book a separate room for him but it would be 5 days together as a ‘family’.

What would you do? I’m confident he’s not a risk to either myself or dc at the moment. I can recognise the signs of when he’s on drugs and I seriously doubt he’d be able to get hold of drugs either in NYC (or risk his job/ visa doing so) or where we’re staying in the Caribbean.

Do not assume he is now clean and or off drugs completely nor should you assume that he won't be able to get hold on any whilst on holiday.

If you go on holiday now with your children, go without him. Better also to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain within one also for the sake of appearances.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Why would you want to go on holiday with him given his previous behaviour re drugs and being violent towards you which caused your marriage to end?!. A holiday was never going to save your marriage; it was only going to prolong your own agonies. Doing this too for the children is no reason at all to be going on holiday with him at all; it further confuses them.

Has your marriage formally ended in divorce?.

We’re not formally divorced yet, no. Still sorting out assets and pensions at the moment but it’s all as amicable as it can be.

I just feel guilty that my kids can’t see their dad and that if I don’t take them on this holiday they might not see him until next year.

I thought showing that we can get along together and do t hate each other might be good for dc’s. But equally I don’t want to confuse them into thinking we’d be getting back together.

What do you have to feel guilty about. Are you the reason he is stuck in NYC and cant see them?

I assume it is COVID that is causing all of this - that is the reason not you or your relationship with him

ALso is the flight going ahead (if in the UK)

Sod feeling guilty about the fact they cannot see their dad; he is no decent example of a parent to them and now he is overseas to boot. His actions re drugs and being violent towards you caused your marriage to end. He also chose to go to NYC (I presume he is a US citizen).

Do you think he feels guilt as to how you've been treated by him, I would think probably not.

Give your children age appropriate truth here; they deserve that from one of you. It will further confuse your DC if you go on holiday with him because as you indeed write they could well think that you and their dad are getting back together.

We're not meant to fly unless it's for business, anyway, so why would you put yourselves at risk like that?

I don’t know if flights are going ahead or not yet. It doesn’t leave until 20th December so hoping restrictions will be lifted/ eased by then.

I know I’m not the reason he hasn’t seen them and lots of families are apart at the moment. But my kids miss their dad, this would be an opportunity for them to spend quality time with him (he’s an absolute workaholic and is only ever really fully present with them when he’s on holiday) and we’ve already paid in full for this holiday.

What about if I asked him to stay at a different hotel? Then we could arrange it so they only saw us separately and it could be less confusing for them and I could spend a full day at the spa all on my own .

If you feel safe and feel he children will be safe, then I would go, covid dependant. I think it would be a nice gesture to him but more importantly would be nice for the kids especially after the time apart.
I know relationships is so anti men is disgraceful, but fathers miss their kids too and can live them just as much as mothers. I have a broken relationship with my ex who is a complete arse hole however I know that when my son is old enough I can look him in the eye and say I made every decision with his interests at heart, and I know how much DS worships him.
Onky you know what your ex is like or if he's a risk etc but on a cruise ship as well, increases the safety and behaviour factor

I do feel safe around ex 99% of the time. It was only when we were living in the same house and I was constantly worried that he’d relapse that I felt concerned. I could never fully relax with him around and certainly couldn’t sleep with him in the same room as me. But that wouldn’t be an issue on this holiday- he could book himself a room or even stay at a different hotel and just see us during the day.

He also only ever showed this nasty behaviour when it was just us alone. I can’t imagine him ever doing it in front of the dc and certainly not anywhere public like a beach/ restaurant.

I think it’s a bit strange to be going on “family” holidays when you’ve just split up. You’re not a family anymore, you all need to be getting used to that. Life is different. Going on holiday with an ex is bad enough, but when you throw in his issues and the fact that there’s a high possibility that you could get stuck away longer than you thought due to Covid it would be a massive no from me!

Have you looked at the current requirements for you to travel to the Caribbean? The islands vary - Barbados for example requires a negative PCR test before travel, quarantine until another test after 4-5 days etc. Is it any different for ex coming from the US? What would happen if you tested positive whilst away, would he stay to look after the DC etc etc. It's one thing for a family to decide to travel once lockdown is over knowing that any potential problems could be tackled together, it's quite different in your circumstances and on that basis alone I probably wouldn't go.

I actually hadn’t considered getting stuck out there ! That’s a very good point. I’ve been so caught up in thinking about whether flights will actually be going or not I’d kind of completely forgotten that there’s a chance of being stuck out there. That would be shit.

There is every chance this holiday won't go ahead, but if it did and your kids hadn't seen dad for a while I would consider it in your shoes. It's just about having those boundaries in place - he stays somewhere separate. You can both have separate time with the kids. I wouldn't do too much in the way of happy families, like having dinner together, but I can see how it could be made to work.

All that said, I can't see this holiday going ahead, but you never know.

You both need to work out a proper contact schedule, covid permitting. Your xh assaulted you three times, so you need very firm boundaries with him as he is violent with you. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. I think you should consider working on your experiences of your abuse at the hands of your ex, not be thinking about a holiday with him. You will be co-parenting with your abuser for many years and your boundaries seem skewed from reading your post. Good luck

I think this could be a good solution, but think he needs to stay in a different hotel or rent a villa, and see the kids separately from you.

Unlikely that you would get stuck, more likely that you have to do a proper self-quarantine / isolation when you get back.

Honestly I’d go, separate rooms, same
Hotel, pre arrange which way round childcare and days are split so there can be no arguments or misunderstandings.
Go enjoy yourself

As long haul crew I can guarantee you can get drugs in NYC and more likely Barbados. I expect the restrictions in to BGI or back in to LHR may still require quarantine. The reason I know about drugs is I have visited these places 100s of times and there are always people peddling drugs especially on the beaches in Barbados. Be very very careful with you husband out there. My advise to you is forget the holiday and get your husband back to the UK for Christmas to see the children. Thats more important. The holiday could throw up all sorts of last minute stressors and challenges. If not, I will see you on board on your flight.