Divorce from a horrible man

[sophmum31]

Hi all,

Not sure why I’m posting, I don’t think there is any advice that can help me here but just need some support. I’m in the process of getting divorce from an horrible man and some days it feels so overwhelming. They are mostly the days after he has come and had a rant at me and it leaves me so on edge. He is the king of empty threats and I know now after months of this the threats are empty but it plays on my mind so much.

He has recently received the divorce papers and is beside himself with anger at what I’ve put on there. If I’m honest I actually chose the least severe reasons I had so can only imagine if he saw the real reasons.

So last nights rant consisted of:

• he is going to contact all of the bill companies and have everything turned off because he sick of me using his electric. I’ve repeated time and again I will pay the bills but they must be transferred to my name, he said no that will make it easy for me. Bearing in mind he pays no maintenance so to me him paying the bills is in lieu of the maintenance he should be paying.

• he is coming on Saturday with a van to take the fridge freezer, tv and a lamp! He lives in a house share and has no room for this stuff. And unless I know someone high up in the police I can’t stop him.

• that he is going to report my dad and I to the police for theft because I wrote some bank details down and gave them to my dad for safe keeping

• that I have ruined his relationship with our daughter (I haven’t at all he has). She’s 14 and hates him.

• he is going to report me for breaking Covid rules because I went to the shop after I had a very slight tickle and coughed a few times

• he hopes I have enough money to fight for custody of the children because the evidence is mounting against me daily

• if I was a man he would’ve punched me by now

• I’m being unreasonable because I don’t even know what reasonable is anymore

It’s absolutely mental and he unhinged, it’s a horrible way to live and I don’t know how anyone can be as horrible to another human being, especially someone who you’ve spent 18 years with and is the mother of your children!

How do I get through the coming months?!

This sounds dreadful OP. It's going to be hard but it will be worth it. Try and think ahead to your life when it's all over and he's gone. You are denting his arrogant pride at the moment but he will calm down. Do your best to avoid contact with him. Don't answer the door. Block him on your phone and tell him you will only respond to emails that you read when you want to. He has control. Take it back. I would also report his threatening behaviour to the police so they are aware. They are very hot on domestic abuse so take advantage of that now.

Stay strong. Read some of the inspirational stories on here to help you through. Women are the best!

Tell him you are logging everything and will be reporting it to the Police if it continues.

Is he in the Police force? his threat of needing to know someone senior suggests he is.

You said he came over and had a rant at you. Can you interrupt that cycle by refusing to let him into the house or talk to him in person?

Sticks and stones! You need to sit it out. I do think the occasional venting session with a councillor or friend will let you get this stuff off your chest.

Their is an end to this. When it comes you will feel so much better. You need to separate as much of your life as you can. Give him the telly if he says he wants it. Get the bills put in your name. Good luck.

I would try and keep contact to message email only perhaps get your solicitor to inform him all contact via your solicitors. Don't answer the phone to him or if you do record it and tell him you are recording.

Can you afford to replace fridge, TV and lamp?

Let him take them if so and change locks if that's allowed and get bills in your name.

And each evening remember you are 24 hours closer to being completely detached from him

He sounds nuts. Could you get the solicitor to write a letter to get him to back off otherwise you’ll be going to the police for harassment?

I have already reported him to the police who said while it is controlling it isn’t enough for coercive control so they won’t help. I have a case worker assigned from a local charity for domestic abuse but they said there wouldn’t be enough for a non molestation order and the only help was to suggest I buy a new phone in case he smashes mine and to store all my important paperwork somewhere he can’t get to.

We’ve had lots of stupid tit for tat stuff back and forth with solicitors to the extent I’ve told my solicitor to ignore it all and focus on getting the divorce as soon as possible so I can be free.

I’m not allowed to change the locks unfortunately as he owns the house (history of financial abuse too!). And my solicitor advises I don’t move out.

He has cctv on the house which he uses to spy on me too. I’ve just had enough and turned it off but know I will be getting threats later to make me turn it back on.

@Upstartcrones ha ha he used to be a special 20 years ago but acts as if he’s chief commissioner of the MET. Still thinks he “knows people” and has said he is a “criminal and family law expert”. I think he forgets we’ve been together 18 years and I know who and what he knows!

I wouldn’t stop him if he came to take the fridge or tv. And in fact I repeatedly told him to take a tv and he then had a go at me for keep on telling him to take a tv! It is a no win situation!

He sounds exactly like my ex. I've had 2 and a half years of empty threats, accusing me of all sorts, and him dragging shit out to cost me more money, even though it's cost him more aswell. He is a sad bitter twisted little man. Just keep telling yourself that one day, you will be free of him. There were points where I felt like just walking away from it all, but I've stuck it out, and should be free by the beginning of next year. There's only so long he can be difficult, you will get there.