How do I cope with having no control (separated)?

[Worakls]

Morning

My ex and I separated officially in January, we told the kids (9 and 5) in February and he moved out.

He is an exceptionally selfish person and although this isn't the reason for the split it could be argued that it made him behave the way he did. He had 3 affairs that I know of during our 10 year marriage.

Anyway things haven't been smooth sailing with the kids, especially our eldest. He loves him but I honestly don't think he likes him and it shows 🙁. He is an amazing kid, kind, sensitive, funny, bit nothing like his dad so they clash. His dad doesn't make much effort with him and always prioritises his sister.

We were meant to have 50/50 custody but this never worked as he used to call me to come and again DS as he was being an "arsehole". So now we do EOW and one night at his a week.
Every weekend he has them he texts me asking for ideas of stuff to do, or he just let's them watch tablets for hours. He doesn't do their homework with them and I recently found that he sends the eldest to his room to watch YouTube until 10pm (on a school night). He once did this from 7pm as he had friend round for drinks so sent him to his room and he forgot about him. My heart breaks for DS.

Anyway this weekend, after ex had asked for me back again and I had a very blunt discussion with him and told him just to be a good dad, they seemed to have a good day Saturday, he made an effort and I felt like could relax. But the kids came back yesterday and I discover he had formed a bubble with a "female friend" and her 2 kids and didn't even mention it to me. I am wrong to be angry? They sent the day at hers, youngest enjoyed it and played, grown-ups just chatted but eldest was told to just take the iPad and watch that.

I feel once again he is just being so so selfish and putting his own needs above his kids'. He wants to see this woman, fine, wants to form bubble fine, but don't involve the kids. Why not spend quality time with them?

I'm so angry and really struggling knowing that when they are with him he is not putting them first and there is nothing I can do. Any advice?

Hi, sorry I don’t have any advice but wanted to post to tell you you aren’t alone. My daughter is 14 and my son 10 and we separated in June. My ex and daughter have a terrible relationship, mostly because he is a controlling twat and she refuses to be controlled.

Now every time I have to leave her with him she ends up crying for two days afterwards, even if it is just for an hour. He cannot let any little thing go and constantly nit pics at her about everything. She now tells him she hates him to his face and tells him no one wants him around so why doesn’t he go. Of course all of the blame for this lies with me. In a rant last night he actually said “that ship has well and truly sailed”!!

He doesn’t live in a home where he can have them visit so comes here to see them at the moment but when we do I fully expect she will never see him. She tells me she wishes he was dead and is excited for the day she never has to see him anymore. I of course feel guilty that she has to be in this situation and that I’ve chosen to have children with someone so horrid.

I can only say you aren’t responsible for their relationship (I’ve tried for years) make sure when they are with you they have a happy and loving home.

@sophmum31i'm so sorry you are having to deal with that and I know what you mean feeling bad about that being their dad. I feel so guilty knowing I chose him to be their dad and I feel like I have to make it up to them. I work full-time (more hours than their dad), do 4/5 days of schools runs, all clubs, all homework and any down time we have I feel like I have to make sure I am fully engaging with them to make up for his shortfalls. But I'm going to burn out...

[quote Worakls]@sophmum31i'm so sorry you are having to deal with that and I know what you mean feeling bad about that being their dad. I feel so guilty knowing I chose him to be their dad and I feel like I have to make it up to them. I work full-time (more hours than their dad), do 4/5 days of schools runs, all clubs, all homework and any down time we have I feel like I have to make sure I am fully engaging with them to make up for his shortfalls. But I'm going to burn out...[/quote]
I hope he is financially contributing for your lion's share OP. What an absolute shit. It might be easier if you did plan their time - send games/ideas/book activities (when possible). At least then your poor DS will benefit. And bubbles are for lone single people not seeing anyone else so it's likely they are both breaking the law.

He contributes what he should yes but he is a very high earner so there is massive disparity of income between us. Plus I left my career a few years ago (was a teacher) to support his work and it's taking me time to rebuild my salary and catch up.
As for activities, I knew this weekend might be harder with lockdown so I sent over all their wet weathe gear and a while box of board games... He didn't even play a single one with them 🙁

Any advice on how to manage this? I'm genuinely really struggling... Heart is racing etc.. I take it this is what anxiety feels like?

Hi op

I can empathise to some extent. My ex is a good dad, he really is (better dad than husband, thankfully) but his social life has always come before them, both in our marriage and post separation.

He introduced his current gf after a few weeks so that he could see more of her (I waited 6 months before introducing my bf ad that was only because my eldest asked). Now most of the weekends he has them, they do something with his gf and her child too, which is fine for my youngest as they are the same age but my eldest is then left out a bit and they miss that quality time with their dad.

The way I see it is that they will remember in the future the time they spent with each of you and it's you they will have the lovely memories with. They will probably chose to spend less time with him as they get older and that will be on him.

I have similar situation OP, can sympathise. I think your heart racing etc. is fear of your precious DCs being parented on the weekends by a selfish inadequate arsehole.

You can't control him or the way he behaves. You just can't. I was told that by a professional when I separated and I have never forgotten it.

He's not going to play board games with them, engage them in conversation or be your idea of a decent father. Quality time is not a concept he can grasp. In fact, being a selfish vindictive arse, he's likely to deliberately ignore all your suggestions and activities because they've come from you, and you are to be ignored, in his mind. He cannot put his children's needs above his own, nor does he see why that is necessary. One of the many reasons why you are separated.

But you will still be an ace parent, you will do all these things with them, you will parent them properly. And your DCs will grow older, they will not have good memories of him, and they will distance themselves from him as they come to see what kind of person he is. This has already happened with my DD who's now 16. She can't stand her father, not a nice situation but he will never change.

And bubbles are for lone single people not seeing anyone else so it's likely they are both breaking the law.

@DontInjectBleach You can form a bubble if you are a single adult household. Children are not included so they are not breaking any laws as long as they are not in bubbles with anyone else

@Sunshineandflipflops

And bubbles are for lone single people not seeing anyone else so it's likely they are both breaking the law.

@DontInjectBleach You can form a bubble if you are a single adult household. Children are not included so they are not breaking any laws as long as they are not in bubbles with anyone else

@Sunshineandflipflops

That's what I mean. Is this woman really only seeing op's XH? Seems unlikely.

So sorry you're going through this OP. I don't have any advice I'm afraid as I've only started the process of ending my marriage but this is one of the biggest reasons I didn't want to leave sooner. The thought of my DC being in the sole care of an inadequate arsehole who will practically neglect them makes my blood run cold. Sadly as pp's have said you can't control it. Hopefully as your DC get older they'll start distancing themselves from him.

My parents divorced and my dad was a similar dickhead. As we got older we saw him the bare minimum out of "duty", but once I had my own DC it became so glaringly obvious how awful he was that I went no contact. None of my siblings have contact with him either so he ultimately paid the price for his shitty behaviour. We all adore our mother, even more so since having DC of our own, as we can now really appreciate all she did for us in such difficult circumstances.

I know this doesn't help you in the short term but just to let you know it will come right in time. As for burn out, is there any family/friends you can lean on to help?

So I'm in a similar position. Within weeks of separating from my ex he introduced my 2 year old to his new gf. I was absolutely f*cking livid. I made my position clear, but it seemed to spur him on. My ex is a narcissist so any reaction just feeds him.

He ignores all of my requests regarding her, including things is feel are important for her welfare. Telling me he knows just as well as me what is good for her.

It is heartbreaking and incredibly difficult. I dont have any real answers. All I have tried to do for my daughter is be the stable responsible one. Consistent, kind and caring. As your children are old, try and be quite open about the situation, without slating your ex (very difficult I know). But give your kids the space they need to talk about things that are worrying them.

Also, make a note of everything that bothers you. You may need it in the future.

Thank you everyone. I genuinely to was going to be told I was over the top and to let it go. It's a huge relief to hear that my reaction is justified.
I hope that yes in the long term my children appreciate what I'm doing and have done. I suppose i worry that where everything is falling to me and I work full time, I am tired and stressed and not being the best parent I can be 🙁. I could do so much better and they deserve better as their dad is being so shit. And no unfortunately, my siblings and dad live abroad, my mum won't help. Friends have been incredible, but obviously lockdown and covid generally means they can't physically help.
It's so unfair isn't it, these two little amazing people have done nothing wrong and yet their lives are far from easy. I wish I could wrap them up and protect them from it all.

You’re flogging a dead horse

I would not encourage contact. Your children are so young and he is neglecting them.

It's painful isn't it. The worst thing is is that he doesn't even see it. He told him he was being selfish and apparently that makes the worst person in the world as he was putting the kids first. Apparently he can't think of stuff to do with them so decides to hang out with this woman the kids don't know, as clearly that's better than just spending time with their dad. I'm so angry on their behalf and so angry at myself for choosing him as their dad 🙁