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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My brother doesn't like me

15 replies

justcrumbling · 10/11/2020 01:22

My older brother has Autism. I don't know how to describe the severity as I know it's a huge range but he is quite high functioning (no learning difficulties) but really struggles with social skills and likes to be alone.

However, he still has conversations with my brother, sister and parents and will socialise with them for a little while and then likes to go back to his bedroom. However, he doesn't like me for some reason and never has. I cannot think of a reason why.

If he hears that I am in the living room he won't go in there. If he walks in and doesn't realise I am in there he will say he'll come back later or he will pretend to have forgotten something in another room. If he wants to come out of his bedroom but hears me in the hallway he won't come out of his room until he hears I am in another room. I know all of that sounds like me being paranoid or just coincidences but it isn't, other family members have witnessed it too and it's been happening for years and years. For the last few Christmases, on Christmas morning I stay upstairs and pretend I'm too busy getting a shower to come down as otherwise he won't go down and open his presents. As soon as I go downstairs he will go back upstairs. It's become almost a family joke that whenever anyone wants my brother for something they tell me to make myself scarce. He never acts like this with my brother or sister, sure he can be reserved but he doesn't actively avoid them.

I find it very upsetting that I affect him so much that he actively avoids me. There are so many elements of family life he avoids and I wonder if it is because I am there?

Sorry just wanted to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
GlowingOrb · 10/11/2020 01:54

As the parent of a child with “high functioning” autism, I actually think your parents need to address this. Yes, he should be able to be comfortable in his own home, but he also has to learn to deal with people he doesn’t particularly like.

LittleBlueToday · 10/11/2020 08:56

Agree with poster above. Why haven't your parents addressed this? I doubt it has much to do with your behaviour. He needs to learn better coping skills, that's all. This is for your parents to sort out. Have you tried talking to them about it?

Clara2000 · 10/11/2020 09:14

I have a sibling who doesn’t like me either. Basically it’s because I’m in his way. I think he hopes if he makes my life miserable whenever I go home that I’ll stop going. He’s very greedy and I think he’s hoping if he gets rid of me he’ll inherit all there is to inherit. My two other siblings never go home anyway so I’m the only one ‘in the way’. Honestly, I purposely stay in the way because of this and I think you shouldn’t change your habits because of your brother either. Your his sister and you shouldn’t miss out on family things because of him. He has to accept that. It’s his issue, not yours.

Clara2000 · 10/11/2020 09:16

And yes I also agree that your parents or other family members should have addressed this years ago too. We all have people in our lives we don’t like but we need to learn how to deal.

Keratinsmooth · 10/11/2020 09:40

My sibling doesn’t like me, rather than talk about any perceived slight she stops talking to be. It’s painful.

In your situation it’s extreme, as your parents age it will be more hurtful, picture ill health, hospital visiting for example. What about occasions like weddings? This shouldn’t be treated with amusement by your family, your parents need to step in to help

Hadalifeonce · 10/11/2020 09:41

I wonder what would happen if you blocked his exit and asked him why he always leave the room when you are there?

Alexandernevermind · 10/11/2020 09:46

For the last few Christmases, on Christmas morning I stay upstairs and pretend I'm too busy getting a shower to come down as otherwise he won't go down and open his presents. As soon as I go downstairs he will go back upstairs. It's become almost a family joke that whenever anyone wants my brother for something they tell me to make myself scarce.
This must be very painful. It isn't fair on you and it shouldn't be a source of amusement for your family members. Stop making yourself scarce and force your parents to address this. Autism in the family is not an excuse for you to be treated badly.

Savourysenorita · 10/11/2020 09:47

Have you ever talked to him about it?? I'm plain language. It sounds like you've observed this for a long time but not addressed it. Even if he doesn't like you it's not socially acceptable to be rude. Someone be it you or your parents needs to talk to him about it. My DH is aspie and he forms very strong likes or dislikes of people for no good reason (not in my books anyway) and can be quite rude. I try to balance him out a bit by explaining that he's thinking of people in very black abc white terms and it isn't always healthy

purpleme12 · 10/11/2020 09:48

Agree with the others

And why haven't you said something? I wouldn't have been able to go through all that keeping silent

giletrouge · 10/11/2020 10:01

Do you all live together? How old are you? How old is he?
This is really difficult for everyone.

JayoftheRed · 10/11/2020 10:51

My son is autistic, "high functioning" and can be bloody rude with it.

He isn't allowed to get away with it. If he refused to be in the room with someone, he is welcome to stay in his room. But never would that person be expected to leave the lounge/kitchen etc just because he didn't want them there.

He gets like this with my MIL, who still treats him like a little child and he can't stand it. When she starts on at him like that, he will often tell her to go home, at which point I step in and tell him that if he doesn't want to talk/play with Grandma, then that is his right, but he doesn't get to tell her to go home, and he can go to his room or be nice. He usually goes to his room (although I'd love to tell MIL to fuck off and stop treating him like a baby!) which is sad, but that's his choice.

No way would he be allowed to refuse to be part of the family at Christmas either. He either joins in with everyone, or he removes himself. I never force him to take part, but it's always him who has to remove himself, never anyone else - it is his choice/desire after all. And to be fair, he will often get a grip on himself and join in, or at least stay in the room.

If your brother doesn't want you around, then he needs to remove himself. He doesn't get to dictate what you do. If you want to go into the lounge, then go. If you want to open your Christmas presents in the morning then do it. Your parents need to step up and tell him that he doesn't get to dictate to everyone else what they do.

Autism, as others have said, is not an excuse to be a prick. It sometimes needs other ways to make things work, and it's not always exactly what others want, but it is not a reason to bow down to someone else's wants, which are no greater or lesser than yours.

Your parents are mostly at fault here though, they really should have put a stop to this early on, not laughed and made it a joke and expected you to remove yourself from the family. This is why people go NC later on and the parents have no idea why.

Alexandernevermind · 10/11/2020 11:04

Perfect response from @JayoftheRed
I remember a visiting cousin whose young teenage daughter had ADHD. Of course we all made allowances to make the family feel as comfortable and welcome as possible, but it really stuck with me that really bad behaviour was ignored by her parents. There were no boundaries, no consequences and I can remember the older sister bearing the brunt of the outbursts. This was a very intelligent girl, but every action was blamed on her condition. They were setting her up for failure.

justcrumbling · 10/11/2020 11:14

I thought the responses would be blaming me and telling me I must have done/do something wrong so I am relieved that that is not the case.

It's difficult as I can't ask my brother as he will go into a meltdown. It's impossible to have any kind of deep/important conversation with him, he will just tell you to go away, go away, go away and his anger will escalate and I'd get blamed by the family for upsetting him. I will ask my parents to try and speak to him but I know he will likely go into another meltdown. It's his reaction whenever a conversation is a little uncomfortable or difficult.

As for why my parents haven't mentioned it, it was a lot subtler when we were younger and has happened so gradually and subtly over the years that I think they just don't realise. I have tried bringing it up to them but to be honest it's the least of their problems.

I feel a lot of guilt if my presence is preventing him from doing something. He is only a year older than me but comes across as younger and so I feel bad for him missing things like Christmas morning. His life is already very limited and restricted because of his autism and social anxiety and I hate that I contribute to that further in his own home.

For the PP who asked, yes we all live together with my parents. We are both early 20s. I will be moving out next summer.

OP posts:
giletrouge · 10/11/2020 11:30

Early twenties and you're moving out soon? Honestly if I were you I'd just move out as soon as I could and not try and pick it apart. He has his own stuff going on inside, and as long as, hand on heart, you know you haven't deliberately hurt him ever you can't save him from his stuff, either. Become your own separate self as much as you possibly can. The fact that you think your family will blame you for 'upsetting him' is not good.
Get away and be your own person. You can still love them. But be less entangled. Find you.

FreakyForestier · 10/11/2020 11:39

My mother has high functioning autism and finds my chattiness difficult and would often have meltdowns. She'll openly say that she doesn't like me. Sadly we're not in contact any more but when we were I'd try not to cause sensory problems for her. Could something like this be triggering your brother?

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