I need a bit of brushing up on my social skills

[Vari757]

Hi all.
I was looking for some tips on how I can improve myself socially in preparation for restrictions (hopefully) being lifted into next year and we can meet up with friends and family again.
Basically there are a couple things that I have come to realise about myself that I really don't like about me and I would like to fix them...

1. In social situations, I get bored and frustrated if I'm not centre of attention or central to the conversation. I find myself getting irritated if I can't join in if I don't know anything about the subject or story. I think I need to improve my active listening.
2. I can be quite judgemental and I can get paranoid that new people won't like me or are trying to make fun of me in some way and go on the defensive automatically, especially if it is a female friend of my partner that I meet (yes I struggle with irrational jealousy)
3. Social situations are making me more tired as I get older. I used to go out clubbing and pubbing for days but I just get so bored and tired that I want to go home. My partner is a social butterfly who everyone adores and wants to be friends with, he never gets annoyed when I get tired but I could always tell he felt a little disappointed that I was looking to leave/go to bed when he was still enjoying himself.

Does anyone have any tips to improve this? I really don't want to lose any friends or have people stop inviting me/talking to me and I want to stop letting my partner down (just to clarify he has never expressed that I let him down, this is just how I feel)

Anyone have any tips?

None of the issues you've mentioned fall into the category of "social skills."

I can be quite judgemental and I can get paranoid that new people won't like me or are trying to make fun of me in some way and go on the defensive automatically, especially if it is a female friend of my partner that I meet (yes I struggle with irrational jealousy)

To conquer irrational jealousy and self-esteem issues, I think you would need therapy to get to the root of those feelings. Being judgemental, thinking people are making fun of you and being defensive will not be cured by having great social skills. The same can be said for you wanting to be the centre of attention and feeling "frustrated" when you're not. Active listening is an important skill, but it's not going to change the fact that you're upset when you're not the focus or an active part of a conversation.

Social situations are making me more tired as I get older. I used to go out clubbing and pubbing for days but I just get so bored and tired that I want to go home. My partner is a social butterfly who everyone adores and wants to be friends with, he never gets annoyed when I get tired but I could always tell he felt a little disappointed that I was looking to leave/go to bed when he was still enjoying himself.

You solved this one in the first sentence. You're getting older. Most/many people, myself included, change significantly as we get older in terms of how we want to spend our time. I used to love pubs and clubs years ago, now that I'm 47 I'd rather cut my head off then spend all night in one. It no longer has any appeal whatsoever. Loud, drunk people, no thanks. This is simply a matter of you and your partner liking some different things. You don't have to love everything he does, and vise versa.

I think if you've recognised these faults in yourself, you are halfway to solving the problem.

If you are getting bored when other people talk, try thinking about their motivations for saying what they're saying, and how they are saying it. Do a bit of mental analysis.

If you know you're prone to being judgemental, well, just stop. Recognise yourself starting to judge, and just rein yourself in. Its just part of being an adult.

Do you enjoy the nights out? You dont have to go if you dont want to. If you do enjoy going out with him, have a nap in the afternoon and dont overdo the alcohol at the start of the evening.

It's good that you've identified issues you are having and want to change them. I echo a pp that therapy would be good to get down to the root cause and develop coping strategies moving forward. Is this an option?