How did you deal with mutual friends during marriage breakup?

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

Just that really. So living in a small town and having met other mums and dads from the kids school, over the years we have formed a close circle of friends that we now socialise with. Going through messy breakup with DH, people’s change in behaviour towards you is something I’m struggling with because as much as people say they won’t take sides, people do. How do you deal with it?

My fiancé left after an affair with the mother of my Godson (they are still together). We had been together 11 years and had a lot of mutual friends. I told everyone that I didn't want them feeling like they had to take sides. I asked not to be invited to things if they were but told everyone that I wouldn't be offended if they did invite them and not me to things and said that I wouldn't be able to leave the dogs too often to go to social things so they weren't to hold back from inviting the other 2 (while secretly hoping that they would sometimes invite me instead). In fact ex and his new flame behaved so badly that nobody invited them to things and I had more invitations than I could keep up with. Some people even specifically created things that DDog was capable of going to. I was very lucky though that they made things quite easy for me though with their behaviour.

Oh god, don't get me started! Lol. My ExDH was much more involved in our local 'pub' scene than I was. When we split, he used them as a sounding board and obviously they took his side. Apart from one or two, who could see through it all. Keep your dignity. Refuse to discuss your relationship breakdown. Accept things might not be the same. Be patient and ride it out.

I told my friends that I wouldn't mind if they wanted to see him and invite him to things. I would decide whether to go or not depending on how I felt. But actually they ended up just inviting me.

I honestly wouldn't have minded if they had invited him. I don't think you can tell people who to be friends with and I wouldn't like losing a friendship because of a split up.

It's a weird situation when anything happens to change the dynamic of your relationship with friends and even family. When a loved one dies, people don't know what to say so they generally give you a wide berth after the funeral, and similarly when there is a break up loyalties are divided and I suppose it is easier to not get involved.
All of it is uncomfortable . We are not programmed for negativity, so we behave in a negative way compounding an already bad situation.

When my husband left us the silence was deafening.

I found this one of the most difficult parts of the split. People will choose sides unfortunately, and it fucking hurts a lot.

My best friend (male, not that it matters) completely ignores me now as he and ex are big mates. I think losing him as a friend hurt me more than divorcing my ex.

You muddle on forward and it's sorts itself out eventually. You will keep some friends and lose some, but you will make new friends in that process too. Now is the time you find your true friends.

All the best OP.

This happened to me with my ex. We had mutual friends. The split was my decision but I ended up losing my best friend. My ex was very bitter about the split and my best friend decided her friendship with the wider group who took his side, was more important than me. She’s also my child’s godmother but I haven’t seen her for almost 10 years. She still socialises with him regularly. It’s upsetting but I’ve moved on.

I have an identical experience to @Muchadoaboutlife

I was bridesmaid to best friend and she was mine and she chose to be friends with my ex and I never heard from her again

Years later a mutual friend told me she felt hurt because I didn’t contact her when I met new partner (who I am now married to with kids)

God knows what goes on behind doors. I can only assume ex was sounding off about me behind my back as I had quite a few mutual friends remove me from Facebook never to speak to me again

They say a divorce is a good way to find out who your friends are and this was very true for me so I try not to dwell on it

Thank you so much for your comments. This is the thing, I want to be that person who keeps it classy and hangs onto my dignity. But I just feel so angry how so many people from our group of friends (the local pub crew) think dh is this lovely, generous, funny person despite quite a few of the people from the group knowing he physically assaulted me in the first lockdown which resulted in me having to call the police. Yesterday was his birthday and they made such a fuss of him, they put a surprise hamper together with lots of goodies and delivered it to our door and also did a zoom birthday drink and chat. It’s a hard pill to swallow seeing all this fuss over him. I made such an effort yesterday for his birthday for the sake of our kids but he didn’t appreciate any of it and then blamed me when I didn’t have zoom set up in time so made me look like the bad guy to the group. I have 2 close friends from the group who I completely trust and I spend a lot of time with them outside of the group and they know everything that’s going on, the daily abuse I receive. They are supportive but then are also very friendly with the wider group who clearly support him. It hurts everything they do social stuff together as it feels like dh is trying to alienate me from the group and get them on side. It doesn’t help that I live in a small town as it feels like there’s no escaping or a chance to start again once we officially go our separate ways. I can’t move towns as kids are very settled into their schools.

That is so tough.
Your friends who you trust are possibly struggling with the best way to deal with dynamics being as it’s a small town

No one will want to lose friends. It hurts so much but it will get better I promise

People like your ex might be keeping friends on the surface but I’m sure people know what he’s really like behind closed doors and many might just be keeping the peace to his face.

Try and see it that your friends are your true friends but for him they are just superficial.

One day, he may move away. You may move away (I know you don’t think you will but who knows?)

Relationships change and there will be new people you meet.

You have your integrity and that counts. You’re allowed to feel frustrated and hurt by friends.

I was quite happy after years of being quite sociable to turn into a hermit temporarily so cut lots of people out who I didn’t think were doing my mental health any good.
This really helped me but might not be the right thing for you he

I know I took a back seat where our mutual friends were concerned, I let him have the monopoly of them. I thought it was easier on everyone if I stayed away whilst he was still around. When he went travelling I slowly started seeing them again but avoided talking about him. I've never told them why we split or what happened in our marriage, I know he has and I know he talked rubbish about me but my friends know me well enough to not believe that and to know there is always another side to it.

I found those with resentments (male and female) were fast to drop, those secure in themselves stuck around. None of the lost friendships were a great loss (some were a gain, to be honest).

Basically, being dropped for divorce says plenty about them and little about you.

I lost a few friends - they just ghosted me. I've seen one of them since and he pretended not to see me. I have no idea why; I don't even think he was in touch with XH.
More's the point - you really do find out who actually cares when something like this happens. Some of them might surprise you and some of them will definitely disappoint you. It isn't your fault and it isn't up to you to chase or justify a damn thing.

Depends on quality and maturity of your friends

Despite my ex behaving... not great, my friends remained very civil with him (I appreciated this as didn’t went drama).
And his friends were pleasant to me.
In terms of mutual friends, there tended to be more of a connection to one or the other of us, and so the above just applied.

I suppose different if it had been a horrific break up.

But it wasn’t. Hence everyone behaving like adults. Or at least adults I know

I've been very lucky in that my partners come into my friendship group, most of whom I've know for 40+ years (both exs had moved about loads so were lacking in friends). My last ex was really good friends with some of my male friends.. but they all turned their backs on him.

If people change towards you, they're not a real friend. Personally, I've always kept friendships and relationships separate so when I left my ex, it made no difference.

There's a difference between being friendly with people and being friends with them. Real friends are people who support you and care about you. Detach from anyone who's on "his" side, they're not worth any time. Focus on people who are loyal to you and who care for how you're doing, they're your friends.

I didn't find this a problem - we had a small circle of mutual family friends, and they had all worked out broadly how things stood even though we hadn't said anything. They knew the problem lay with his alcohol addiction and so they supported me but were also supportive of him, as far as he allowed it. I didn't lose any friends over it and am still very close with his family even now he is no longer alive.

I think most find it difficult as it is not unusual for one party to behave badly. I was married for a while (fortunately no kids) and we separated down to my decision. I bought him out of the house. I said to friends I would like to continue being friends with everyone and wouldn't be either discussing him or being derogatory about him or using them for advice. .

What caused the issue is him going fucking berserk over things, ie when I had bit of a drinks party my new bf was also there (year after we split) a and he would be on the phone raging to people about me, and them going. I then had some take the diplomatic view in their opinion to say they wouldn't see either me or the ex for a while.

I then didn't hear from them for a long time.

One of my friends I didn't see again until I had remarried and had a primary aged child...turns out hers was at the same school and saw her and husband picking their kids up. All nicey nicey...and a bit gobsmacked how things had turned out for me. Not only progressed fantastically well professionally, but husband also senior in his fiend...nice house etc. Then got the "oh we must get together"...I didn't reply. Then got xmas card with a note about getting together and then invited to their event. Turned it down as apart from how
I just wasn't prepared to be friends with people that didn't have the backbone to stand up to unreasonable demands from the ex, I felt they k Ls wanted to know me as I wasn't the ground down individual I was and had changed dramatically

You just have to keep,your chin up and accept some people are flimsy friends