3rd baby

[Thecherryontheverytop]

I have 2 dc with my dh of 10 years.
With both I had spd so had difficulty moving around and then depression. My dh was very helpful with nappy changes and night feeds, he would do both without complaining. The depression i didn't realise either time until I was deep in it and it affected my relationship badly as I felt my dh was absolutely no help in that respect.
We tried medication and counselling and nothing helped. It was only when I started exercising and my youngest started reception that I felt normal again and started enjoying life.
My dh and I do not have a good relationship at all, I dont love him anymore but he won't talk about splitting up so instead we carry on in this fake relationship but we raise out dc together wonderfully.
The dc need us both, I won't go into it but my eldest wouldn't cope at all if we split up and has been through a lot in life and only just got over it.
We have both always wanted a third and at 36 I dont have much time.
I have has the deepest urge for the past 2 years for another but the depression scares me.
My dh would have another in a heartbeat despite not even being romantic with each other. He says now that we know the exercise helps that I won't get depression again and that the other dc are older so its fine. But my heart is in two, one side loves the life I now have and the other longs for a baby. What would you do in my position?

Oh dear lord that was so long.

You're not in love with your husband and are considering leaving ... this is not the relationship to bring another child into.

I wouldn't risk it but then I have bipolar, I have to put my mental health first.

@Twizbe makes a good point- you aren't even happy now, your depression would be worse as it's on top of you already not being happy, and your relationship will be precarious.

Your oldest will be ok if you split by the way, any issues will just ensure they get any further help they need. xx

My eldest dc is 9 and only just sleeping through the night due to other things. Anything minor sets him off, it could even be if say my mum and I had a disagreement ( not that we do often but just an example). Then he will go backwards and not sleep then school starts going downhill etc.. so I know it would affect him.
For that reason I doubt I will leave dh because I've resigned myself to the fact fact that no one else will want me anyway as my dc come first and I would take things at a snails pace.
I have lost my job since April and been applying for more jobs to no avail. I have applied for retail recently since I have no other choice right now. My dh says he will support us no problem and that he knows I dont love him but if I want a 3rd then he's on board.
I know its not a good idea so how so I stop this longing in my heart?

It would be tough money wise too so why can't I just be happy with the 2 dc I have already?
I love then more than life, they are literally all i live for so why do I feel like somethings missing? Is it just a normal feeling for my age?

3rd baby in a loveless marriage I’d say no way.

You will begin to resent this life or your husband will in the future is that was you see for each other

Why do you think no one will want You that’s bollocks. Plus you both are role models for the kids and thIs is what they’ll copy years later

Nope I wouldn’t Do it and I’d be leaving. Kids adapt to change in time and thank you for it as they’ll have two happy parents not two miserable ones living a no life.

Have you spoken to your GP? It sounds like you're depression is still lurking around.

Your longing for a baby is likely to fill the loveless hole in your marriage, something else to love. It won't work.

Your eldest will struggle for a time but will be ok if you and husband split up. Someone else will come along for you.

I think you hit the nail on the head, i want someone else to love. I picture spending time with my baby instead of sitting alone all the time being ignored.
How can I get rid of the feeling though? I've felt this way for 2 years, I just feel like its too late to meet someone else, become serious with them, then have a baby. I've not got long left and thats what's pushing this feeling.

And yes to the pp above, we both resent each other already.
I think the fact that I'm not working has also made me feel like at least if i had a baby then I'd be doing something worthwhile.
I am volunteering at the moment but obviously even thats had to stop right now.

Sorry I'm ranting...but just to add, I've felt this way even while working and having hobbies so its not because I have time right now..its just work kept me busy enough for me to be able to ignore these feelings

Honestly it’s an absolutely terrible idea for you for your existing children and for a further child but I think you already know that. Saying that I do understand the biological drive to have another baby in while you can there seems to be many reasons why it’s a bad idea though

It sounds like your eldest has additional needs what if these increase as time goes on? How would you balance that with the needs of your younger child as it is let alone adding a third into the mix.

Can you cope financially with another child if you’re not working?

I think it's possible that your broodiness is in part a displacement, a way of putting off certain realities. Yes, it's lovely to cuddle up with a baby. But they grow up, you can't keep having babies to fulfil that desire.

You're really not in a good place to have a third child, leaving aside your mh, your financial situation isn't great, and having three likely means needing a bigger car etc.

And then, your marriage is a bit of a sham. What if it all gets intolerable within the relationship and you have a newborn on top of it all? What if you have a SN child?

I think you need to be sensible and work on your happiness, your future, whatever that may be, without hiding behind having another baby.

@Thecherryontheverytop

I think you hit the nail on the head, i want someone else to love. I picture spending time with my baby instead of sitting alone all the time being ignored. How can I get rid of the feeling though? I've felt this way for 2 years, I just feel like its too late to meet someone else, become serious with them, then have a baby. I've not got long left and thats what's pushing this feeling.

Leave your husband. As much as you say you can live with it, you can't live in a loveless marriage. You want to be loved and that won't happen in this situation.

On a side and practical note, do you have sex with your husband? How would this baby be conceived? What if it took a while?

You have to look at your motives for wanting a third child. Everything, just everything, mitigates against taking this step. Poor relationship, poor support, history of PND, possible breakup of the marriage.

What would be improved by bringing a third child into this for you and your H? More to the point, what is the good any child brought into this desert, will experience? What do your current children feel in this dysfunctional home?

Complete madness imo.

I think it's possible that your broodiness is in part a displacement, a way of putting off certain realities. Yes, it's lovely to cuddle up with a baby. But they grow up, you can't keep having babies to fulfil that desire.

Don’t get pregnant to distract yourself or an excuse to hide in a dead marriage.

Thank you all. I need a kick up the bum and this is helping me come to my senses.
You're all absolutely right. I need to ignore the broodiness and work on the things that actually need fixing.
Its so hard though!

I think it would be deeply unfair on your eldest child to have another DC at this point. If as you say they have been through a lot in life and only just got over it then adding a baby to the mix would impact them in a different way to divorce but still a negative disruption nonetheless, as a baby will take away your time and resources just when your eldest really needs you. And that's assuming the baby has no additional needs etc.

Obviously not saying that siblings are a negative thing in general, but in this specific situation where you already have two children within an unhappy marriage a third child would probably exacerbate the situation.