How do you leave your DH?

[MadameBrioche]

Like practically, what steps do you take? I have two friends who have left their husbands, one due to domestic violence so the police got involved and she went to a safe house, the other the husband had an affair and so he left to be with the other women.
I’ve been with DH for 21 years. When we met we were had both left university and were beginning careers. We now have two DC (11 and 8). He’s carries on working, a lot of time abroad so I gave up my career to be around for a the DC, a lot of the time solo. I want to work, it’s important to me, so I’ve started building up a tutoring business I can do at home but it makes peanuts. DC is very much a high flier and works all hours, he spends no time doing anything to do with the house, money management, kids, admin, anything. He refuses to drive. I feel like a chauffeur and housekeeper. Since the youngest DC was born he’s really changed, he’s very grumpy, rude, dismissive, sarcastic, very short tempered, shouts at DC a lot. He’s perfectionist Uc and everything has to be just so, but he won’t help in keeping it that way. We’ve not slept together for 18 months, as he no longer finds me attractive s I’ve gone from a size 12 to 16 after DC.
I’m very, very unhappy. But how do I leave? I have no grounds for divorce, he refuses to agree to a split (I think because he’s got it easy - he wouldn’t like having to look after DC on his own). How do I leave? I can’t go anywhere, I can’t afford to rent anywhere, what do I do with DC? We’ve discussed divorce but he says he won’t leave the house as it’s his (it’s in our joint names).
How, practically, do you leave? How do you divorce if he’s done nothing wrong but be a sarcastic, petty, mean arse. What would my next steps look like? We really don’t like each other but he refuses to accept any kind of split. So how do I leave? Where do I go with DC as I’ll have to go somewhere.
I’m tempted to ride it out for 10 years until youngest is 18, but I can’t keep up the pretence of happy families any more. He’s so rude time to me in front of them I don’t want them to think it’s normal. We fight a lot and it upsets DC, it scares them. But he won’t accept we need to split. What do I do? What is my first move? Thank you.

His sarcastic petty mean arse behaviour would come under 'unreasonable behaviour' so you can divorce him on those grounds. Can you sell the house while you both live there and go through the divorce? You should get legal advice first, some solicitors will give half an hour advice for free. Try to find a good solicitor so you get a good outcome.

Drive him wherever going one day, pack his things. Change locks. Don’t collect him later

Having got everything financial and legal sorted first secretly

Just start with telling him you are not happy and want to divorce. Don't leave the marital home. You are the main care giver to the DC and no court will order you to sell until they leave education. You may have to put up with co-habiting temporarily, depending on his reaction. Play the long game.

@MadameBrioche I saw your other post yesterday and realised that there was more to it. You are in a stronger position than you think, you have the wherewithal to start a business and are fortunate the house is in both names.

There will be others along with more experience of this but the usual is to

• gather evidence of the finances
• get a free initial consultation with a solicitor

And read other people's experiences of doing the same thing on here.

What do you mean he refuses to agree? Just see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Of course you've got grounds for divorce, you listed a lot. Unreasonable behaviour.

Or you can separate and divorce after two years.

He doesn't have to agree to you splitting up, ending a relationship only takes one person.

Speak to a solicitor and start a divorce.

Don't leave the marital home but move into another bedroom if possible. Leaving wouldn't be advisable as it gives him the chance to drag out the settlements and if you were selling up, to make it difficult. Only leave if your solicitor recommends it, or it's dangerous to stay.

You're married so all assets of the marriage, house, savings, pensions etc are joint, no matter whose name they're in.

Unreasonable behaviour is reason enough to divorce, he refuses to do Jack shit for you @MadameBrioche

Save as much as you can, seek legal advice, get all your paperwork in order and hidden, and start making plans. Once you get that fire in you, nothing will stop you, he can disagree all he wants, he can't stop you.

You do have grounds for divorce, but don’t tell him. You’re going to get it all organised first - getting your ducks in a row..
First you find a family solicitor, they often do your first chat free so ring around.
You need 3 things to start -

1. Do you own your house, in who’s name.
2. Do either of you have private pensions.
3. You need to get screen shots or paper copies of all bank accounts, including any in his name if you can 😉

The starting point is 50:50 in everything, but it’s all negotiable. You gave up work to support his job and you are the primary care giver so it is highly likely you will get a bigger share of the house and children. He will have to pay maintenance for the children and you might get spousal, but you might need to get a job. You are in a very strong position, good luck.

I know its not advised on here, but I moved out. It was the only way my DH would take it seriously.
I managed to save enough for a deposit on a rented flat and borrowed money to furnish it.
I got my income topped up through UC but I did have support from my parents to tide me over.
Its been 18 months now. After 2 years we will divorce and a settlement will be agreed. I am still entitled to half the value of shared assets even though I've moved out.

Sorry to be more accurate as @flippertygibbett said 50:50 is the starting point for negotiations.

For your own sanity and to protect the children, don't react to his provocations. He is probably enjoying your reaction and whilst it depletes you, it may energise him. Have a mantra as a response, such as "I'm sorry you feel that way" Look up Grey Rock which is a strategy to train yourself not to react.

As well as seeking legal advice seek emotional support. Read books on Emotional abuse such as Lundy "Why does he do that" and Patricia Evans "The emotionally abusive relationship"
These books will help you understand what you are dealing with and give you validation and reinforce why you need to leave. Emotional abusive relationships are highly stressful and as a result they take their toll on people physically so it's important to take care of yourself.

A solicitor will take you through the divorce process, generally a couple stay together or if the environment is so hostile your H may be forced to pay interim maintenance, to support another house, until a settlement agreed. It depends on whether or not his salary can afford it. Does he have share options? If so try to get details ahead of starting proceedings. If he hasn't moved jobs his pension might be with only one company and that is easier to value. PM me if I can help as I went through this a few years ago. You don't have to live like this.

You need to very clear you want to leave. 100%

This will help you push on with tough decisions.

The book ‘Too bad to stay too good to leave’ was a great book and really nailed on why I would be happier leaving.

I have zero regrets and I am happier.

I just told him I wanted out. It wasn’t what I wanted anymore. It took six months for us to sort finances out before he went.

You've had great advice already, the first things to do is get all your paperwork in order, find all your copies of bank statements, pensions, and other financial assists you may share. You need to do this because once he realised you are filing for divorce he could start stashing money in other places so you get less in the divorce. IE if you have £100k in savings you would be entitled to half, if he moves the money into a private account you don't know about when you come to divorce there could be only £25k in the account of which you get half whilst he has the other £75k sat in a private account.
You don't need to move out, you can move into another room for now, go to a solicitor and they will get the ball rolling and tell you what you need to do.
Best of luck to you.

very short tempered, shouts at DC a lot

We fight a lot and it upsets DC, it scares them

He’s so rude time to me in front of them

I don't think there is any pretence of a happy family here.

And he has done plenty wrong. That kind of environment is incredibly damaging for children.

Home should be safe, stable and predictable. Their parents should be teaching them that they are loveable and loved.

I also moved out when I left my XH - married but house only in his name.

I registered matrimonial homes rights which prevented him doing anything with it, and ended up with 55% of the equity as a settlement which enabled me to buy my own home (with a mortgage...I wasn't that fortunate!)

Whatever you do, make sure you have copies of everything and get sound legal advice first.

Making the first move is the hardest bit...the rest is fairly shit, but once you've started the relief is immense.

He seems quite comfortable because he knows he has the upper hand and what he says goes. That's really not good and is often a recipe for abuse. In another situation a man might not want to split because he genuinely wants to keep the family together, but I don't feel that's happening here. Seems like he knows he has you under the thumb and he's effectively trapped you into being a housemaid and nanny rather than being a mother & loved wife. It might not have been intention originally but he seems to be ok with that scenario.

Stop asking him for a split. You won't get a consensus it seems. Go straight for legal advice. You gave up your career. Can you find your way back into it somehow?

Drive him wherever going one day, pack his things. Change locks. Don’t collect him later
Do the rest by all means but do not change the locks. He, in the eyes of the law, has as much right as you to be in the family home so you'll just be out of pocket having changed the locks to then have to give him a new key.
Yes to finding out financial info - that's important.
Yes to sleeping away from him in another room.
You absolutely do have grounds for divorce - HIS unreasonable behaviour.
Ring up and find out what financial support you'd get if you made a claim as a single person/parent - It may not be great but could put your mind at rest for the time being.
Also from your thread yesterday - tell him to shove his poxy sunday lunches up his arse (away from dc of course) and stop participating in his forced 'family time'
Good luck OP

I agree with a previous poster that once you have told him, that's a huge hurdle over - you can start to move forwards, even if it's just a tiny move forwards each day/week/month. Have you got a spare room so you can sleep separately? Can you consider not doing things for him any more; cooking, driving, washing etc? (not to be petty, but so that he truly realises you mean it and takes you seriously). And also not spending time with him, even just watching TV - go to bed and read a book? The hardest part of course is telling the kids but please don't forget the saying that "it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one". As a PP said, I'm happy if you PM me as I've been through it and am out the other side and so much happier. And yes, one person CAN end a marriage, no matter what he says, my ex tried that too. Last thing - I suggest you keep a diary of his behaviour and events, as it may come in useful later. Good luck!