Difficult Relationship- Recent Trauma (potential trigger)

[SophieWagner]

Hi all

Recently someone I'm very close with told me something very upsetting and awful happened to them a long time ago.

It has not been raised again but it has caused me significant upset and stress.
This person is very very dear to me, I love them and I have felt an awful range of anger ,upset, worry ,guilt and confusion since being told and i continue too periodically.

I've never felt like this before.
I've already had some counselling in relation to this because of how affected i am (if this helps you understand the serious nature and impact).

With this context, my issue.

This close relationship has always been good- no issues. Its always been supportive both ways.
Through my own counselling I came to realise maybe I needed to adress some self care/put my emotional needs ahead.

I've been trying this and to be honest it now feels I am being punished for it.

I've made a conscious effort to be more honest about, for example not wanting to do X or saying I'll do Y if necessary but I dont need to either way.
But this is causing tension.

I got a call basically asking why I said X to them and did Y, that i caused them upset. That they didnt understand why I'd say/do this to them and I upset them.

I was completely taken by surprise. They said things which upset me.

It feels like I tried to set my own boundaries (for my own well being), be honest with my thoughts but they are taking it personal. I cant help but feel it's because they feel I know the previous trauma thay they told and we have never addressed again.

I dont even feel able to tell them I sought counselling and right now I feel very upset again.

I suppose my biggest concern right now is our relationship has changed forever and this is very difficult but I recognise that I was not looking out for myself and that I need to. I've accepted even if this changes our relationship but its very hard to get this call and be hurt.

Any insight or thoughts would be great. I'm in sincere distress over it all.

Edit to note: this is a family member and I'm only person this trauma was divulged ever about 6 months ago. It has not been discussed again.

You need to accept that whatever it is that has caused such distress is real.
You must validate and not allow others to invalidate.
Bye accepting the reality of this current trauma, you would be advised to seek some sort of guidance via counselling .
Acceptance is a powerful tool in moving forward and recognising that something awful has actually happened.
Very important.

I think you are changing the way you are acting because of the counselling more than the traumatic event.... The other person is pushing back against that change?

I think if you explain that your behaviour is changing because if your own realisation regarding boundaries and self care may help to defuse the situation.... It's not unusual for this to happen when you go through counselling but if the relationship is strong it should adjust and survive.

Do you feel responsibility in knowing about this trauma?

Surely this person must know how it would affect you? Have they refused to discuss this disclosure to you since?
If it has affected you so badly then of course you have to put yourself first. From their point of view though, they told you something and now you've acted weird with them?
Without any other details it will be difficult for anyone to give you any proper advice.