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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is so controlling

49 replies

ineedapoo · 16/10/2007 18:08

He seems to need to control me and all the fighting is getting wearing. i arranged and discussed with him weeks ago going to my parents for part of half term as he is working. The other day he says I will just check in my diary if you can still go.

OP posts:

olala · 16/10/2007 21:05

o dear. at risk of repeating what everyone else on this thread has said:

life is too short . Get Rid. Now,.Esp if you have dd's - you are showing them that this is what they can look forward to, and if they are even subject to this shit, they should just put up with it and smile ,and spend half of half term with you. Not good enough. And if you have ds's you're teaching them this is an ok way to treat someone. Totally diabolical. Chuck him out now, then let him back in if he manages to genuinely address the problems he clearly has with you.

Your dcs will be a lot more resilient to this, than to an entire child hood of his controlling crap which will DEFINETLY effect them for the rest of their lives. I know. My dad was like this to my mum. I know seem to seek out men who are like him, but I am also a bit like him, and so I get furiosu and have explosive relationships. I have recognised all of this onw, so its ok, but it has taken me years and years to figure it out.

olala · 16/10/2007 21:11

o yes, just read the bit about custody. I am a children lawyer, a fmaily lawyer who speciliases in Children Act work. He wouldn't have a hope.
Not sure how old they are but any of the below may be handy to bear in mind if you think a fight over residence of the kids is looming:

His V Your ability to get supportive statements from nursery workers / teachers about who picks them up / comes for parents evening / comes when they are sick.

His V Your ability to get supportive Statements from GP about who takes them to their appointments.

His V Your ability to get supportive Statements from fellow mums who you've met at parenting groups etc.

His V Your ability to get supportive Statements from any of your family members who have seen what you have been going through.

And then depending on the ages of the children, the CAFCASS officer (court employed ex social worker) will speak to them and sound them out - not at all ask them who they prefer or anything as damaging as that, just chat to them, and find out what they want and what they need. I have rarely seen them get it wrong when they have had the time to do it properly.

Do not, for one minute, stay with this man if it is custody you are worrying about. He may be clever, but you are their only loving parent.
Also - if you're married - he'll have to pay for you and the kids anyway. And if he earns loads - he'll have to pay loads! Start copying the odd pay slip and bank statement now if you can get away with it - just incase he starts playing games with you once the divorce petition drops into his lap.

Good god woman, get OUT of there!!!!

Original poster

ineedapoo · 16/10/2007 21:15

Thankyou that is very helpful you are so right I think his brainwashing if I can call it that has damaged my self confidence. Can I just ask the children are 3 and 4 would they be old enough to be listened to. The 4 year old is nearly 5 and very mature I am told

OP posts:

olala · 16/10/2007 21:21

their views at those ages would not be determinative,. as they would be if they were say 12/13/14 and of reasonable maturity. But their interaction with you would be observed, as would their interaction with DH, they would interview you, him, chat to the children together and poss separately to ensure no influence - but they really do go out of their way to make the kdis as comfortable as possible.
You have nothing to worry about, really.

olala · 16/10/2007 21:22

the worst thing the kind of dads your DH sounds like pull out, is 'my wife is mentally ill'
they say this all the time. So make sure your sanity is in check, if its not, get yourslef seen to ASAP, make sure you are taking all the right steps to sort it out - this is what family courts like - they like progress.

olala · 16/10/2007 21:26

ineedapo - i have to go off line now as I need to sort myself out for work and school tmrw, but post any other questions you want and I'll log on tmrw and answer them. And also if you tell me vaguely what part of the world you are in, I may be able to recommend a good lawyer / support service.

Let me know.

Original poster

ineedapoo · 16/10/2007 22:07

Thankyou you have been so helpful. I am in S Wales. Don't think I have any mental illness only time I get upset is when DH goes on and on. I would love to start again but my fear of loosing the children and I suppose my confidence has taken a bashing

OP posts:

Original poster

ineedapoo · 16/10/2007 22:19

One question am I best to stay in teh house or move out. He won't leave as he says it is his house

OP posts:

Tortington · 16/10/2007 22:23

is it bought or rented?

if bought who has name on mortgage?

if rented - from whom - council or private?

and who has name on tenancy

Original poster

ineedapoo · 16/10/2007 22:25

bought very small mortgage both our names

OP posts:

Tortington · 16/10/2007 22:28

well then its not his house is it - its a joint house. you need to get some legal advice.

Dior · 16/10/2007 22:31

Message withdrawn

theUrbanDevil · 16/10/2007 22:32

ineedapoo - not sure if you're still about tonight, but let us know how you get on. if you do decide to leave him you will get loads of support on here. it's easy to get stuck in a rut with a relationship and think that this is how things will be forever, but it doesn't have to be that way. things can change, but it won't be easy.

sKerryMum · 16/10/2007 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaloo20 · 16/10/2007 22:37

ineedapoo, leave him. Take action and listen to olala. Be very brave, stay focused and do all the things I should have done 6 years ago. My dcs are 8 & 7 and are very aware of what is happening. I am now mid a nasty divorce with the mirror image of your dh, mine has indeed trotted out the mentally ill card in the divorce petition, citing counselling I had when ds died as 'proof'. I've also had counselling over his behaviour, the Dr. knows about my home issues with him and I that take ads to help me cope, yet still there is no way he will get the dcs. I has taken me along time to realise this.

I have had same house issue too, I chose to move asap to allow me to stop him entering the house when creating on the doorstep, because as soon as you take some control this is what will happen next. All the time you are in the marital home I beleive it will be difficult to move on in your circumstances.

are you sure dh doesn't have undiagnosed ADHD? My ex dh was diagnosed 18 months ago at 39. The behaviour you are describing is overfocus/underfocus and a behaviour disorder.

Original poster

ineedapoo · 16/10/2007 22:42

Thankyou for all your advise and sharing your story. I have suggested we get counselling together to try and work through issues. I do want my children to have 2 happy parents who are bringing them up but realise now that is impossible. He says he has no problems I am the one to blame. Refuses counselling. We lead seperate lives at the moment me and the kids and him and work and sport. Other people have noticed and commented that on the very odd occasion I go out about twice in the past year he moans about baby sitting his children.

OP posts:

Janos · 16/10/2007 22:43

ineedapoo

(Love your username btw!)

Can I just reiterate what everyone else has said. There is no way on gods green earth this man would get custody of your DCs. NONE.

He really does sound like a nasty piece of work.

My XP was controlling, not quite as bad as your 'D'H sounds but it has such a terrible effect on your self esteem, doesn't it?

You don't sound mentally ill, just tired and worn down by this nasty man.

Do get legal advice.

Good luck!

Janos · 16/10/2007 22:46

"he moans about baby sitting his children."

Selfish B*stard. Looking after your own children is not babysitting.

Also, sKerrysMum idea about recoding his vile behaviour is a very good one. If nothing else it will reinforce to you how unacceptable his behaviour is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2007 07:10

He will never accept that he is at fault; controllers rarely if ever change. This is often deep rooted learnt behaviour; are his parents controlling too?.

I hope you pay heed to all the advice that has been posted to date. He will ultimately drag you and your children down with him - is this what you really want for them and your own self?. Controlling men have a very bad effect on all those around them; their behaviour does shape their children by also affecting their own relationships in adulthood.

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. He writes at some length about controllers and why they act the way they do.

You need to break free of this cage he's put you all in.

flowertot · 17/10/2007 09:04

Ineedapoo this sounds exactly like my ex DH. He was controlling, never did anything with/for the children, never let me go out and on the extreme rare occasion (about 3 times in 5 years) that I did I had to get the children all sorted and in bed before I did.
He wore away all my self copnfidence, told me he adored me and that i was so lucky to have him as no one else would want me/put up with me etc.
Our situation was worse as well, as he did not earn loads of money and he gradually took all mine, remortgaged the house and the finiancial situation was and is dreadful. He told me he would never forgive me if I left and that he would make sure I would lose the kids.I knew he was strong and unscrupulous so I was too scared to do anything. Eventually I did. It was the best thing I ever did. Very hard and you have to be strong but I have got my confidence back, I am happy, children are happier and life is much much better. PLease follow your gut instinct. In the long run you are not helping the children if you stay as you are showing them a destructive relationship, and effectively saying that its ok. Lots and lots of love to you

Wisteria · 17/10/2007 10:41

I don't think you'd be able to use any recorded footage in court unless he had given his consent to it being recorded.

Ineedapoo - I know that it is very difficult to break free of men like that but my Dad did this to my Mum and she never left as she was so scared of losing us. She died at 59 of bowel cancer and lived unhappily for 35 years before that (as did all of us). My Dad also used the 'I'll declare you mentally unstable' card on her, and I will never understand why she believed that he would be able to.......

I have been extremely badly affected by their relationship and am only now beginning to help myself break through from it all. Please go and get some legal advice so that someone can put your mind at rest about the custody issues. You owe that to your children.

He will not win (unless as the other poster said, there is something terrible lurking, which it doesn't sound as though there is!). To be honest he will probably never even try but is using that to scare you as the thought of you leaving him probably means 'failure' to him, which is what he is most scared of.

Please make an appointment with a family lawyer and keep a diary of all the things that happen so that you can refer to it.

theUrbanDevil · 17/10/2007 20:02

ineedapoo - i know this sounds a bit drastic, but would it be worth getting in touch with a local women's refuge, just to see about how you could get out of there with the kids? i would also possibly suggest putting your name on the council/Housing Assoc. list, that way you can get out of there sooner, without worrying about housing etc. i believe you might be able to think more clearly without him there. when the divorce comes through you can think about moving somewhere more permanent.

BearMama · 19/10/2007 23:10

Ineedapoo, you sound like you would be more than happy to give up any material compensations in favour of freedom from his controlling behaviour. Arm yourself with as much info as you can. Call local council and ask about Women's Aid Refuges and Housing Options. You may have low self-esteem/confidence but you'd be amazed how soon it comes back. I have been there. There is life after this cr*p, believe me.

xXxamyxXx · 19/10/2007 23:28

get out of there leave him he is a controlling mind game playing idiot why on earth would any court give him the house or kids?

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