How to manage kids meeting ex’s new gf

[BertandErnie1]

Looking for some help to navigate another new for me.
Husband left me last year, out of the blue. New gf within 4 weeks (likely OW but doesn’t admit it).

I’m still incredibly hurt by what he’s done to me & the kids (2 DC 7&3) and I really struggle to navigate through it all. I definitely don’t want him back even if that was proposed but I struggle to get over the unfairness of it all. Saying all that, I’m doing not too bad all in all.

Anyway, he’s now asked if the gf can meet the kids. He’s never spoken to me about her and she’s not met anyone else in the family. I assumed it wasn’t actually that serious tbh given his silence about it.

I know I can’t stop him introducing her but I’ve said I want to talk about it face to face. I want to know he’s considering the kids in this.

What expectations should I have? How should I manage this conversation with him given I know nothing of her and he’s wanting her to be a part of my kids lives?

I’d never be negative in front of the kids btw so just trying to manage it all behind the scenes.
Thanks

Well, be prepared for the girlfriend to be at the meeting. And if I were you, I wouldn’t do it.
Meet her I mean.
Other than that, only agree to her meeting the children, if you’re ready.
I know he is their father, but O consider you wronged, so you decide the pace.

I imagine this time is fraught

I agree don’t do it. What will you actually get out of it other than a false sense of assurance if you are lucky. In reality it will bring out resentment and anger in you, not them.

It will be a lot easier for the children if you don't present this to them as a huge deal or something they upsets you so I'm glad you've said that you'll keep it behind the scenes.

As for talking to him face to face I'm not sure what this would achieve. If he's generally a god dad and considers them in his decisions then he'll do it in this case. If not then he won't.

I think that the healthiest thing for everyone in this situation is for you not to seek to control the situation.

Thank you @Silvershimmering. It actually crossed my mind that he might bring her but I don’t think he will. I was wondering if I should meet her or not, even as abit of a test to see how invested they both are in her meeting the children (if that makes sense!).
I’m not really ready for it ,but feel I can’t say no. Can I? The way he’s handled the whole separation has made everything worse. He’s acted very immaturely but in the interests of the children, I’ve tried not to rock the boat.

Thanks @LemonTT@KylieKoKo

I understand what you mean and I won’t try to control it.
I’m worried he’s using the children as a way of proving to her that their relationship is going somewhere, as I see no evidence it is otherwise. If that’s the case then I think that’s appalling and a recipe for disaster.

I do want to talk to him about it as he has a tendency to be selfish and only think of his point of view. He does love the children a lot though and can be a good dad so will sometimes change his thinking when other perspectives are pointed out.

I would remain neutral about her the children of course, but I do feel I have to have some info about her etc. The eldest would come to me to talk about it and not his dad so I feel being armed with some basic info would help me support him through it.

You usually can't tell from a meeting what someone is like. I bet Donald Trump could come across as reasonable over coffee.

Let him work out how to do it and brace yourself for the kids coming home and talking about her. The worst bit is when they bring her into the conversation out of the blue. Even the most innocent comment can make you feel like you've been stabbed in the heart as it is so out of the blue. You're going to have to be brave and do a fake smile.

It gets better over time

Sorry you’re going through this, OP.

He may have behaved very immaturely up till now but it sounds like he’s been quite responsible about this. They’ve been together nearly a year (if not longer...) and he has asked you if he can introduce her rather than just doing it. I can totally understand why you don’t feel ready but I can equally imagine never feeling quite ready for something like that. In a way, it’s cutting a final thread between you and your XH for your DCs to see their father with another woman and that’s perhaps why you don’t feel ready. But you might find it quite liberating to allow it to happen.

You sound terrific, OP. I bet there comes a time when you’re introducing a fabulous man to your DCs.

@TicTacTwo a fake smile and pretending I’m fine is my talent!

Sometimes I feel I’m getting there and he pounces something else on me. I’ve just had something really good happen in my life (not a partner!) and it’s as if he’s trying to bring me back down by suggesting this just days afterwards!

@Dery you made me shed a tear!

He’s been responsible to ask but only because he will fear the reaction or others (friends and family) if he doesn’t manage this well. And I know he does want the best for the kids too.

I’m actually happy most of time (despite what I post on here at times of despair!) and I know I can be happy without him but I’m definitely not ready to meet someone else yet. The rejection is very raw and I’m not sure I could trust someone else just yet. Hopefully some time in the future though.

@BertandErnie1 if they've been together for a year then I don't think him wanting to introduce her to the kids is in any way unreasonable or unusual. I also think it's weird that you've leapt to him using it to proove something to her. It just seems like the natural progression of the relationship.

In the nicest possible way, he doesn't have to wait for you to be ready. His main focus will be on his children and his current relationship. I agree with the previous poster that you might find the experience liberating in a way. The longer you allow his decision making to factor in your happiness the longer he will have power over you.

Do you think you might benefit from some form of counseling to help you deal with the feelings of rejection?

Why would you want to set ‘tests’ for them?

I think that your best response would be ‘Of course she can meet the children, I trust you to have their best interests at heart, and I know you wouldn’t do this lightly.’

Given that you have no choice, best to do it with a good grace.

I'd step back from this. You've said he loves the children and can be a good dad.. let him do his thing and you yours.

I'd see how it goes and if you have any issues, discuss them when they arise.

@KylieKoKo thanks , and it’s helpful to hear this. You are right , I shouldn’t assume a negative motive. It’s just hard to trust him given the lies he has told, and the way he has treated me. I would love to feel liberated by it. I will aim for that!!

I’m not going to resist them meeting at all. I’m actually happy if he’s happy, although he doesn’t come across as happy tbh but maybe that’s what he’s choosing to portray to me. I wouldn’t want anyone to be unhappy, you only get one life and need to make the most of it. It’s the hurt he’s caused to obtain it that’s hard to swallow.

I’m just protective of the kids and want to make sure they are ok through this.

@HappyDays10101 @MorningNinja

I’m listening and yes you are right. I’ve managed to hold my head high throughout the rest of this so I will do for this next stage.

I didn’t really mean a test as such. More that can be (they) handle this like adults with a sense of maturity (as that’s not what happened so far).

I’m definitely going to go in with a ‘I’m really happy for you’ stance.

It's impossible to say how the kids will take it. There is no alternative but to cross your fingers and hope for the best. Do the kids know that he has a gf?

He, not be!

Ime you appearing (at least) to like the gf will unnerve and irritate your ex....
Not sure how my exh got such a nice gf as the one he did have but she was better around my dc than he was....
*she traded my ex in at a swinging party and married his best mate!! They now have dc!

@TicTacTwo
They might be happy for him. They will make my lead no doubt.
No they don’t know he’s got a gf as far as I know.

@BertandErnie1 - sorry for causing you to shed a tear! You sound like you’ve handled things extremely well so far and I’m sure you’ll keep doing so.

@Sunnydaysstillhere omg!
@Dery I feel better for talking on here.
When something happens , it brings it all back. I need time to think and process it and then I can push ahead again.
Someone mentioned counselling earlier. I have been for counselling but I wasn’t overly impressed. I’m actually coping ok most of the time, just get floored now and again and need abit propping up. So thank you for helping me with that.