Am I a bad mother?

[inabadplace17]

Named changed for this.

DD(2) has been telling me to go away a lot recently. She prefers daddy to put her to bed etc. It's wearing me down so I don't try to fight it anymore. If she tells me to go away then I just do.

I got frustrated and told DH that I'm not going to fight it when she tells me to go away. He said "what do you expect? You work all week and then you don't even play with her when you have time off?". I was hurt by those comments because they insinuated that I'm a bad mother but I also acknowledge that I'm not great at playing with my DD(2). I find this bit hard work - don't know how acceptable it is to say that
Does everyone find playing with 2 year olds easy?

DH and I are currently not really speaking because, basically he called me a bad mother. I communicate just fine with my DS (6) but DD(2) is tantruming all of the time. I also have to wake up every night to tend to her (because she only goes to sleep when I tell her to). I also do all of the admin work like doctors appointments and DS's homework etc. I meal plan and cook. I'm tired of trying to be all things to all people while being stuck at home during lockdown. I feel exhausted most days.

For context, DH is better at playing with DD but he does spend a lot of weekends watching football.

I feel like not everybody is good at everything. He has his strengths and so do I. It's made me feel awful that he's called me a bad mother though. Maybe I'm better off not being here. Everyone will be better off without me if I'm so terrible

I watch my mum play with my kids and marvel at it. They play calmly and quietly with her for ages and vice versa and they all have a lovely time, enjoy it and seems genuinely easy for my mum...

This never happens with me. I just never sit down with them and play. IF i sit down it’s because I literally need to take the weight off my feet for five minutes or need to make a call or reply to something admin-y usually related to them (nursery etc). And that’s not the moment they want to play.

When they do want to play it’s invariably at exactly the wrong moment ie just about to get up and make dinner.

Sometimes the older one will try and plait my hair but just pulls it and makes knots. The younger one will bring me a baby to pretend to feed it but will trip over and end up crying...

I tbink it’s different with kids and their mums.

I don’t remember ever playing with my mum either. I do remember playing for hours with my gran.

Fathers are generally more likely to play than mothers because mothers normally do more of the other tasks.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/09/190923155026.htm

Didn’t address your DH comments there... he shouldn’t make you feel like that. I completely missed your last paragraph and I’m sorry I’ve trivialised your issue with my last reply.

Please don’t feel this way. You are everything to your daughter, you are her whole world. She is simply exploring and experimenting with dynamics and socialising by choosing dad over you and seeing what happens, it’s a phase and in the end she will always come back to you because she knows you are always there that’s a given - please believe that!!

Please, seek support in real life elsewhere than your husband - your mum, a sister or friend? Xx

To an extent, with all relationships, you get out what you put in, so identify some things you do that DH can take over so that you can have the time (and emotional space) to be with her.
Then tell him that he's so right, you therefore clearly need to spend (say) an extra hour a day just playing with her, so he's doing dinner for the foreseeable ("beans and baked potatoes or chips and peas and fish fingers is fine dear"). Win win surely 😈

To an extent, with all relationships, you get out what you put in, so identify some things you do that DH can take over so that you can have the time (and emotional space) to be with her.
Then tell him that he's so right, you therefore clearly need to spend (say) an extra hour a day just playing with her, so he's doing dinner for the foreseeable ("beans and baked potatoes or chips and peas and fish fingers is fine dear")

Yes! Write a list of everythign you do to keep the household family running - then a list of all he does - take it to him so that you can break things up more fairly between you.

What about leaving all the cooking, meal planning, organizing doctors and so on to you "D"H and then sitting down to play with the children. Ask him what he thinks of that.

Being a good parent is providing a safe and warm space for your children, feeding, clothing and caring for them. It sounds as though you tick all of those boxes! Playing with a 2-yr old can be mind-numbingly boring so I'd rank up the cuddling and tickling time instead while DH prepares dinner (and washes up).

Its also normal for young children to go through phases of saying that want to be with one carer more than the other.

My DD did similar to me. Daddy was always the favourite, but he didn't offer much in the way of interaction, so I actually think she was craving his attention, so often told me to go away so he had to spend time with her.
Don't take it to heart.

It’s important to spend time playing with your kids and build that bond. You sound like it’s a real chore for you which makes me question why you had kids in the first place? Maybe there is some truth in what your husband said albeit he wasn’t very sensitive. Reflect on it and see what you can delegate to him so that you can have that time. Even multi tasking and playing with her at bath time or getting her to do little playful jobs in the kitchen. She needs her mother and it will pay dividends later. I’m not saying this to be mean - just adapt your life a little x

You sound exhausted does he do any of the grunt work or is it all you?

Playing with kids is hard but you have to find your way to play. My husband is good at rough and tumble, running around etc. I do other things like craft or messy play. Are you good at pretend play? Playing with cars or dolls? Playing in the garden? Reading stories? Find your way to play.
Also don't not do stuff because your kid tells you to go away. You are the adult. Don't be bossed about by a two year old. My kids prefer their dad at bedtime because he's a pushover for one more story, one more cuddle etc. I'm no nonsense. We take turns. We also take turns in the morning. Might result in 5 minutes of crying but distract with breakfast, tv, toys and it's fine.

I'm a great mum and I'm SHIT at playing with two year olds so don't assume he meant you're a bad mum. It's so bloody boring. I hate playing make believe and goodies and baddies and all that stuff which my 3 year old would do 24 hours a day. I've got a load of lego and make crazy things for him to play with, and I get all my kids out of the house as much as possible to Woods, parks, cafes... I can't stand the mess and boredom at home. Do what you enjoy with her.
Also, my daughter went through a phase at this age of being really annoyed with her dad whenever he came home. She used to tell him to go away and get cross at him. I learnt that it's really, really common and that it can be to do with control - he just kind of came and went without her understanding why so she took control by being mean to him.
I found that talking to her about him during the day (and asking pre school and nursery to do the same) really helped, as did him doing a silly game when he came home. He would pretend to be a monster knocking on the door and doing a silly voice. It just broke that cycle of anger. He would call me when he was 5 mins away so I could let her know he'd be home as well.
I know it hurts but she doesn't mean it and will grow out of it! Being rubbish at playing 2 year old games DOES NOT make you a bad mum, please keep telling yourself that x

My two year old grandson is currently 'nasty 'to me. If I say anything he says 'no it's mummy's house' 'car' 'wellington boots'. Or he just shouts 'no' at me. He won't kiss me goodnight either the little bugger :)
It's hurtful but he's two.
When I am with him on my own, he never says any of this. As soon as mummy appears it starts again.

It's a phase.

Hi op, you sound possibly depressed. Are you seeing the doctor? I would go and speak to your gp about low mood.

It's just a stage your dd is going through, rejecting one parent and favouring the other - it is very normal, and will pass. She can do it because she feels secure with you, she knows you'll keep coming back for more. It's hurtful, but she doesn't really mean it.

Your dh on the other hand, is a dick.

I think it's a phase! My dd did this and I remember feeling really hurt, she's 13 now and there's been all manners of phases since. Try to speak kindly to yourself, you are doing enough!! Your dh, well, let it go but if continues undermining you let him take over the boring tasks while you watch TV and take your dd out for breakfast / walk in Park.

I think it is very normal to find playing with children at different ages and stages hard work. For the first 2 years of ds life he would hardly ever be comforted by dh. He found this incredibly challenging, as did I! Because all of the hard work fell to me. Then dd was born and they both had much less of a choice! Don’t think you are a bad mum because your finding it hard. You are reaching out for help which makes you the best type of mum. Could you ask dh to take your older child so you and dd can do some really nice things without pressure to be parent to both. I find 1:1 time is what my children need when they are finding things hard which often demonstrates as tantrums - give them love and attention and it is far easier. But dh would need to step up and help at weekends for example to facilitate that

And when you do cook, please just do quick and easy meals like your partner, unless you get genuine pleasure from the cooking. There will be times ahead for doing lovely proper homecooking, but when you're run ragged and on your knees emotionally is not that time.

You do sound depressed. You probably need to speak to your GP. Sounds as if you've lost your confidence and drive (through the depression) - your dd might even be picking up on that, or it might simply be making you less fun to be with at the moment.

Hardly surprising you're depressed if you're working full time on not enough sleep, plus doing all the household stuff. Speak to your GP.

(I think this has absolutely nothing to do with your parenting skills, whatsoever.)

I agree with @blindinglyobviouslight that it's a phase. But your dh should be far doing more and he doesn't sound supportive at all. You're married and you should be a team, so if your toddler needs help bonding it's a job for both of you and absolutely not your fault or your problem to deal with alone.

Dw and I both do contract work so have needed to swap who leads on parenting several times and dd has been unsettled by this. We played games of dd in the middle with us both vying for kisses and attention in a very twee/pantomime way and that seemed to work for us.

I disagree when people say that you shouldn’t have had kids if you find playing with them a chore, it’s a completely ridiculous thing to say, you can be a brilliant mother but also hate and be utterly crap with the mind numbingly boring toddler playing. I absolutely detested that part of parenting it was very hard to force myself to do it, I’m not quite sure why, but I do have a terrible attention span, pretty sure I had undiagnosed ADHD.

The telling you to go away thing is very normal, my daughter did the same but now she’s like my little shadow, it’ll pass. Someone else gave great advice on doing something YOU enjoy with her, a walk? Colouring? Go mad with it as long as you include her. Oh and also I agree with making DH take over cooking now and then so you can do these things.

I think your DH is a dick. You are doing plenty and he gets to do all the fun stuff and you are a bad parent? Tell him to swap?

And if your'e not great at playing, which I totally get because neither am I, figure out what you and DD CAN do together. I can't bear hours of games with her LOL dolls but we have a couple of IPAD games we quite like where we draw pictures together or whatever. We also do "spa" days where we paint our nails and do face masks. We bake together. I drag her out to come with me to walk the dog. In non-lockdown, she loves to come with me to do the shopping and we'll chat away while we're doing it.

The point is that she doesn't see you doing the cooking and cleaning and thinking and your DH clearly doesn't either. My DH is always telling the DC how hard our work and making a big deal about how I make them all delicious food or buy them the best clothes or whatever. Because he doesn't feel the need to undermine my contributions.