Parted but want to do the right thing

[daldog63]

Hi, I posted on here a while ago asking for advice regarding a break up with a partner. We got back together but have recently split, for good this time. I won't go into it but she is currently lodging with a neighbour while awaiting to find more permanent home. We both were to blame so I'm not going to analyse what went wrong here, it would be inproductive. What I do want to do though, as I feel devastated that once again her life is unsettled and her future uncertain. I own my home, a home I bought mainly because she loved it. I would be happy to move out and rent it to her (well below what I could ask) to give her (and the cats) some security and, hardly altruistically, for the state of my mental health. I would ask her to cover the rent of a smaller place nearer my family and friends. I also want her to receive a widows pension should I die before her as I'm almost positive she has nothing in place. This is not to retain any form of control over her so please don't think that. I love her still and worry about her terribly and want to do the right thing. The rental thing I will put forward to my neighbours so that they can talk to her about it (I'm happy to sign a contract for her security) but a look online at my pension website indicates that i have to be married or in a civil partnership, or have proof of joint bank account, bills, etc to ensure she would receive a widows pension. The only way I can see this happening is by trying to set up some sort of joint account (which i feel may be less successful) or to get married. I'm sure she is not concerned about forming another relationship, and I'm certainly not concerned about marriage. I would happily go through a ceremony to enable her to receive these pensions, and never come into contact with each other again. it would be solely for financial security for her. I know this sounds insane, but I feel it a waste if at some point I could help by providing a home or income (Neither is of any cost to me, i'm no saint, it just seems mad not to do these things) to give her some security in life. I would like your opinions of this and perhaps some advice of how i could approach it if you think it reasonable. i would be happy to just turn up at a ceremony and sign a form and have no more contact, ever. same applies to renting my house. i know there will be some out there who think it is wanting to have control in some way, it is not. i just want to do the right thing and help. as i've said, i can deal with never seeing her again, but i can't deal with the though of her living in an insecure world (or her cats for that matter).

How long have you been together?

I think you need to see a financial advisor first.

hi, a little over two years. you're right about the adviser. i checked my pensions this morning and they state marriage, civil partnership, or co-habiting (proof required such as joint account, bills etc for this) is required for her to receive a pension. A friend who is a financial advisor mentioned that it may be risky doing this and that if things went awry i could possibly lose a lot.
i'm still going to try and persuade her (through my neighbour) to rent though. it would help everyone, give the neighbours their home back, alllow me to leave and give me time to consider my next move, and give her and the cats security. my friends also think this makes sense. if i did this i would do it by the book, she would get a lovely property for two thirds of what its worth. TBH i need to get my head straight and just want confirmation off others this makes sense as my confidence and ability to think straight are at an all time low at the moment,

You sound like you are trying to do the right thing but reading again through your post it sounds like guilt is running these decisions. 2 years is not a long time for a relationship and perhaps you could set up something in your will that would ensure she gets something from you? Is your ex not capable of working and building a life for herself or is she solely dependant on you? You are no longer together so she really isn't your priority anymore and she needs to move on and build a financial life for herself. You can help her do that and get her established and on her way?

If you really want to leave her some money, couldn't you leave her the house in your will instead?

Have you thought about what will happen if either of you meet someone else? You seem to think she won't, but it's always a possibility and the same goes for you.

Personally, after a short relationship like that, I think you're better off just cutting ties with each instead. Harsh, but she's not your responsibility.

Just 2 years??
None of this is a good idea at all. Absolutely not.
I appreciate you still love and feel guilty but 2 years is NO time at all. It's not like you were together 30 years and your lives were completely enmeshed or she'd given up a career to bring up your children.

What happens if she finds another partner and he moves into the home which belongs to you and she is renting it cheaply? Both of them are then living at your expense as you could be getting market rates for the property. How long would this arrangement go on for? You're risking years of losing out financially because you feel guilty about a 2 year relationship?

Just stop and think about this!! What happens if you meet someone and have children with them and you're struggling financially because you've gone into some arrangement with your ex??

2 years is no time at all, OP. Whatever life choices she made before she met you are NOT your responsibility.

I don't think this is the wisest idea, OP. I feel your motivations are in the right place, however, as others have said 2 years isn't that long of a relationship. Imagine you meet someone in the future, decide to marry, perhaps kids and if you've set up a widow's pension for your ex your new family is left out in the cold with no security at all.

Perhaps leave something in a will for her or extend a cash gift to her now. I think the house idea is more than generous of you and that should be sufficient. I have a feeling that your feelings on the matter may change in as little as 6 months-1 year as your life changes.

Probably not wise to commit to a long term financial contractual agreement with someone you've had a 2 year relationship with and that is now over. You both still have a life to live and your feelings and future relationships with others will change.

I think it's very generous of you to want to secure her future, but very unwise.

Someone came to the door so I was not able to finish the post above. I also wanted to add that you should not arrange to have the widow's pension signed over to her and you certainly shouldn't go through with some kind of civil partnership or marriage so that a woman you have been with for 2 years gets the pension. What if she then divorces you and claims a proportion of your assets? You say it sounds insane... it doesn't just sound insane, it is insane.
It has nothing to do with you that she doesn't have pension provision. That is not your problem.
You need to stop this now. Do not give her anything and do not enter any long term arrangement with her.
If you do want to help her out in some way, you could offer to pay for the deposit on a rental property which is often difficult for some people to find the money for and/or offer to buy some furniture or white goods if the property is unfurnished. But that should be it!

You simply can't jeopardize your own financial stability for someone you've been with two years. What if you meet someone else and the same thing happens again? You split up after a couple of years? Are you going to then tr to provide for her in the same way?

thank you all for your advice, it's really appreciated.
in answer to some of the things said, i'm 57 so children are out of the question. i would be happy yo rent my home to her for a year at least, it would help me decide where to go and what to do next, giving me some breathing space. her father, brother, and son, have all been abusive to her. her sons father was one of those guys who seemed to be happy to churn out children but want nothing to do with them. her son tried to meet him but he wouldn't even come to the front door to meet him. Unfortunately, the son can be a lovely person, but is mostly abusive, mentally and physically, to her. she is more than competent in taking care of herself and is very intelligent. Sadly i feel that our relationship was affected by the relationships with the males in her family. that's not to say i am guilt free, i'm not easy to live with, but i'm not violent and only ever wanted her to be happy. this is guilt on my part as i said i would never put her in a position like she is in now. it was a reaction to something said, purposely to cause a reaction. i know she will not forgive me however hard i try to explain so that is not an option. i still want her to be happy and secure, it will make me happy too. i will speak to the neighbours and try and get her to rent here for a year, proper contract written up so we are both protected, so i can get somewhere nearer my friends to enable me to find out what it is i really want.this is as much for me as for her if i'm honest. i hold no grudges, the thought of her being happy still fills me with joy.

Looks like she has escaped from you and I advise you not to contact her or put these plans in place. She is very vulnerable at the moment and needs time to centre herself from further hurt and abuse. Please leave her alone to recover and figure out where she personally goes from here.

Are you a perpetual rescuer? You were with her only 2 years, but are taking full responsibility for her happiness and living arrangements like she's a child or mythical vulnerable damsel in distress.

Why are you planning on speaking to the neighbours, not her? Is she not capable of making decisions on her own life? You are infantizing her, like she is incapable of taking care of herself.

The whole knight in shining armour to a relatively short term relationship ex thing is patronising and belittling. And frankly your ideas are insane. I have no idea what you are trying to compensate for, but you seem willing to put yourself into very dangerous financial ground to make a gf of 2 years 'happy'. you cannot fix her life, you do not have the power, or the right to make decisions for her.

The last thing I would want in her circumstances is to be beholden to an ex for my home. It feels controlling.

Make a clean break.

Let her sort out her own living arrangements...she's not a child and you're not responsible for her.

Don't make her any part of your pension.

Just move on with your lived and avoid unnecessary complications.

Of course you could always give her a lump sum in nice hard cash and then cut all ties. You assuage your guilt, she gets autonomy. Win win.

Who ended the relationship

You or her ?

Is this a convoluted way of keeping her in your life ?

Do not do this. As PP have said, offer her a lump sum to help, if you have it to give.

You risk all sorts of legal complications for yourself through the rental or pension ideas and if I were her I would struggle to see the year’s rental as a “nice gesture” and would, instead, see it as an attempt to control. She’s had more than enough of that from the other men in her life.

If you said something shitty to her deliberately then apologise (sincerely) for it and resolve not to be such a shithead in future relationships. Genuinely help her with a lump sum gift with NO strings, if you can afford to, and then leave her alone.