I cheated.

[GingaNinja14]

I cheated on my partner! I fcking cheated & I feel sick every day since, I want to run!
I felt alone at the time & caved in. For years he has neglected me sexually & I've had multiple conversations about it but it never changed. He's very stuck in his ways whereas i love to look forward to things. I was getting bored. Once, I told him to go for a few months but he was soon back to his normal regimented ways. I've always been the one to make sure everyone is happy, I would stress myself to a point I'd cry but no one ever knew. I never felt like I had someone to talk to. I feel like what can they do?? If I cried in front of someone , they would think it's unusual as I'm never upset however I do show anger but they just think I'm a hot head. So it's pointless saying anything. We had our daughter in January & I'm still not happy, why? I was ready to tell him to leave because I can't feel this unwanted anymore. I've had 2 previous relationship that made me feel like sht & whilst I know I shouldn't hold onto this, I have! In the meantime I cheated & quickly realised it what a BIG mistake & I feel SO much guilt. He may neglect me in some ways but never deserved this. Whilst he fails at certain things, he is a good dad/man. I feel nervous every second of everyday. I know I done this to him so you're all probably going it's my own fault but I know it is. I just craved a laugh & a different scenary. I never thought it would get to this. I don't know what to do other than run or kill myself. I'm just a huge disappointment. I would rather run than make him go through the knowledge that I'm a cheat. How do I get out of this? Why did I let my judgement become so clouded. It's not me, I have never done this.

Op, your moral compass is shouting at you loud and clear. Having an affair doesn't suit you. Maybe it's time to take decisive steps to end the marriage?

It sounds like your marriage is over and you took extreme steps. I have cheated on a past ex because I wasn't happy in the relationship and he was emotionally abusive so I never felt guilty. I was at the end of my tether and was the push I needed to end a dead relationship.

OP this is not a healthy relationship for you. You feel neglected and taken for granted. You’ve given him a second chance and he hasn’t changed. You need to deal with that. You only live once and you deserve better than this. He might be a good man/dad but that does not mean you have to lead an unhappy life. You can be great parents without being together. You need to take steps to separate and build your own life.
The fact you have cheated is not good at all, you know that. If you’re going to separate anyway I’d think twice about telling him (not wanting to kick him when he’s down) but if you decide to fight for your relationship he needs to know the truth and he needs to make a choice made on full facts.
Try to calm down and focus on what you now want and where you want to be 6-12 months from now and put a plan together. Be brutally honest with yourself and keep focused on what you really want.

I think you should stop beating yourself up about the affair and seriously think about what you what from the future. You are clearly deeply unhappy so think whether you want to continue this marriage. If not then put your energies into making plans to separate and how it would work, but dont tell him you had an affair!

Do you have a job to return to after maternity leave or have you already? Do you have family to help with the baby? Focus on a plan for the future.

I do always question myself. Why aren't I happy though. Am I asking too much? I really couldn't tell him, it would destroy him. I care about how he feels so much that I can't bring myself to tell him what happened or to leave. I'm at a lost cause. The kids would hate me. His mum would make me feel even more guilty than last time. Thankfully I have got a support network & yes I am back in work.

End the relationship. You say you've had 2 previous relationships like this and weren't happy....you need to dig deep and explore why you didn't end it.

Is it something to do with your age and you wanted a baby?

We didn't want another baby. She was unexpected but not a regret. I am in my late 20's. I'm not sure if it's that.

Op I will tell you a secret. I cheated once under very similar circumstances. My ex had continually neglected me emotionally and sexually. I had repeatedly told him that the relationship was in trouble and he did nothing, nothing to fix things. I told him I wanted to end it and he wouldn't leave. I became so so sad and lonely. Then someone showed be a bit of attention and I lapped it up. We are all only human. And yes while I agree cheating is not a brilliant thing to do, you have to look at the whole picture here. Look at why you did it and don't just hold yourself accountable.
People will tell you that it's black and white - cheaters are bad people and will never change but thats not true. I would never dream of cheating on my current partner because I love him and he meets all my needs.
I think you need to really have a long think about whether your marriage has reached the end of the road. If you do want to fix things then think carefully about confessing to the cheating. It might make you feel temporarily better but it could cause a lot of issues going forward.
Try not to beat yourself up op.

You would not "destroy" him - people get over break-up and divorce all the time.

You need to steady yourself and stop catastrophising.

This is just an episode in long lives and if you make some changes, everyone will adapt and recover and deal with it. It might be a difficult time, but it's not the end of the world.

No judgement from me OP. It’s horrible being in a sexless relationship. I too think you need to take steps towards ending your relationship. He may be a good man, but you are clearly not right for each other. You are making each other miserable and life is too short.

I cheated on my husband after he had totally neglected and emotionally abused me for several years. It was a horrible, immature thing to do and I regret it but it propelled us towards the divorce that was the right thing for both of us. Do you think you're looking for a way out?

End your marriage and self heal.

Do you have low self esteem OP?
I didn't realise you had 2 children....how long into the relationship did the neglect start?

You've had numerous conversations with him and nothing really changes....can you remain in the relationship like this forever?

Take it easy on yourself. It takes two to make a marriage. Think carefully about the situation and what is right for you. Everything will be ok

I don't know if it was a way out I was looking for. I think my head is full that I can't figure it out. I would say it's some part self esteem, I would probably say a negative self perception too. But this is why I try to make sure others feel happy & I do so much. I thought I wanted out but now it's happened I'm not 100% where my head is at. It's messing with me & it's more annoying I done this to myself!

It wasn’t entirely sexless if you had a baby in January. A shame you brought an innocent child into what you knew was a crap relationship. But it’s done now. End it and move on. If all of your relationships have been terrible you should stay single and focus on your baby. He didn’t make you cheat. You chose to do that. End the relationship ASAP, try and coparent in a positive way. Stay single.

It was just my luck. We had one random free night. He popped a Viagra because he doesn't last more than 20 seconds, we had drinks & it happened without me even realising. So here she is.

OP, I know you’re saying you don’t know where your head is at, but you are clearly deeply unhappy in your current relationship, and the reason you cheated was because of long term neglect from him, I’m not saying it’s right, but you’re just a human with needs that aren’t being met which is the reason you cheated. Honestly if you stay in your relationship then you’re just setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment, feeling shit about yourself and longing for more. Men like this never change, I know because my ex was that way, I’m so much happier now, all of my needs are being met and I don’t fantasise about cheating on my partner.

What do you mean his mum would make you feel more guilty than last time. Have you had an affair before this one?

I've never done this before. He went because of the frustrations I had in the relationship which he never listened to. His mum made me feel bad for telling him to leave. He ended up moving in with them & she said I should basically talk & deal with it. She thinks partners should have to do everything to remain together regardless of what's happening (obviously within reason) she kept putting pressure on him to do something which he projected his frustration out on me. I was made to feel guilty that I done this to his daughter.

You need to start taking some ownership. Who cares what his mum thinks, who cares what he thinks. The relationship is clearly dead. You should have left ages ago, you didn’t need to have more children, you didn’t need to shag anyone else. If it’s all so bad then do what you have to to permanently end the relationship. Apart from anything else this is a terrible environment in which to bring up children. You’re an adult, you’ve chosen to be a parent, you owe it to your children to give them the best life you can and staying in this set up isn’t doing that. There’s a lot of drama and hyperbole in your posts. Take a step back from the angst and make practical steps to move on. You’ve got friends, talk to them and start acting like the adult you are.

I'm not going to judge, what's done is now done.
I ended a LTR because it had gone pretty similar to yours - no physical or emotional input from him. I came close to cheating, very close. I ended it very quickly after that because I knew I would probably be tempted again and I couldn't bear the consequence of what doing it would bring. We did not have dc together so it was relatively easy to split.
Your relationship will not improve, you've already tried. Get out of it.
I normally wouldn't advocate inflicting hurt on others but if you tell him, you'll force the situation and I'd imagine, leaving no choice but to split.
If you don't and stay, you'll have to live with it eating away at you.
Or you could tell him it's over without admitting it.
Whichever way is shit all round.

You sound do unhappy. If your husband does not make you happy leave him. You do deserve to be happy. He can still be a good Dad to your baby. He can still see baby often and take her out and stuff. If you are not happy now, and you gave him a chance to change and he refused, he will not change down the line. You are still very young and can expect to find a new partner who will make you happy. Don't tell him you cheated as it will make him feel worse and won't make you feel better. Just separate and both go your own ways.