Marriage is a friendship

[NotBadButNotGood]

I've been with my DP since I was 23 (I'm now 41) and we've been married for 15 years with two children.

My DP has suffered from depression and emotional issues throughout their life, I've always supported them, and they're in a good place now. My Children are happy, and we never argue, but we have been more like friends for a long time.

My partner works strange hours, so we rarely do things as a family. It's usually me and the children, or my DP and the children on their days off.

My DP and I talk, but it's small talk, never anything with depth. We can go days with saying less than 50 words to each other, as we tend to do our own thing when in the house. We don't really have the same hobbies, don't read the same literature, even our tastes in music are different. Where I'm very up for new experiences, my DP isn't, so I tend to do a lot of things on my own.

A major issue throughout the marriage has been the lack of ability to communicate. My DP just clams up and can't speak, so we've never been able to discuss anything important. Even in times they've seen therapists (for their depression and emotional issues), they've not been able to communicate, so they tend to sit through the sessions until they end.

I've tried many tactics, such as getting them to write things down, but they haven't worked.

So as the years have gone on, the distance has grown between us. My partner definitely detects this, as they hug sometimes, but that's the only affection they can show.

We have no intimacy, we never kiss outside of sex, and sex itself has always been an issue. Over the past 8 years or so, I've disengaged and the lack of physical contact has actually stopped bothering me. We haven't had sex for over 6 months now (previously it was only once or twice a month) and I can't see it ever recovering. I've always had a high sex drive, so I've got used to pleasing myself multiple times a day.

As mentioned, things aren't "bad", but I've really started to question if I want to live like this forever. I love my partner, but it's more a friendship kind of love.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, perhaps advice from people who have fixed such a marriage or moved on. I really don't want to hurt them, and if we did split, I want no claims on the house or joint assets. I'd want my partner and children to live in the house they always have, and at least have some security. I earn triple what my partner does (we share all finances), so I'd be able to start again.

I could carry on as I am, but I guess I'll always wonder what I'll miss out on, and I really don't want to hurt my DP, but I'm not sure I should settling for such a life for the sake of others. My DP has no real friends, doesn't like going out, and classes me as their best friend - which makes things really difficult.

Even if I decided to finally end things, I'm not sure I'd be able to discuss it with my DP due to the issues mentioned above!

You've been extremely careful not to mention your sex or their sex. why? But also you haven't asked a question. But my opinion - you're young. Not that that matters really but all the more reason to try and be happy. Would you be happier without them and single? If so, split. If you think you can do 'better', think it through - you might not meet anyone else. So how do you feel about being single and not with them?

And if you want to end things you just say 'I want to separate for these reasons ... Etc'

OP I could have written this word for word. I wonder if you’re my partners writing a reverse. 😱

If you are both happy in a celibate /platonic marriage then you don’t need to do anything but you wouldn’t be writing about it if you were. For me I’d be ok with that as long as my partner wasn’t cheating on me and there was still non sexual intimacy but I realise I’m in the minority.

If you don’t want this you need to be. Open with your partner about your feelings. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Difficult one and the grass is not always greener and possibly you could spend the rest of your life alone. Would you be alright with that, that is the question, is it better than what you have now?

@Titsinknicks using they isn’t a young persons thing - maybe OP worries their situation is recognisable if they give too much away?

@Titsinknicks I didn't want sex to cloud the issue because this is more about the interaction between my DP and I :)

The thing is, from a day-to-day perspective, it does feel like I'm single. Child care is never really a joint thing. My DP works a lot of weekends, so again it's generally me and DCs doing activities.

If I end it, I might be single forever, but I also might meet someone who perhaps will meet my needs. Even if I'm single, I'd have more freedom on non-DC days to socialise and do hobbies.

And I know ending things is as easy as stating that's what I want to do - given my partners history of depression and lack of support network, I really worry about how they'll cope. I honestly think they're OK with the situation and see us being together forever.

It's because the OP is a bloke and if he wrote the post from a male perspective he'd get different answers than if it was coming from a female perspective, hence the neutral language which was picked up on immediately.

A sexless marriage is miserable if one still wants intimacy. Can you not both really work hard on that?

brokencrayons, Can you imagine being the other one and being expected to 'work really hard' on having sex?

Your DP says you are their best friend but you don’t share any interests, you only have small talk, and you rarely see them at weekends?

What about you - do you have friends outside the relationship to turn to?

Obviously you are lonely and sad in this situation where you want a deeper connection. You say talking is impossible but, however painful, you must tell your partner you are considering leaving them, that if things don’t improve in 6 months you will move out. And then you have to leave. These feelings won’t improve and one day you will resent missing out so much.

All I can add is a counterpoint: my ex and I had the complete opposite relationship. We were very communicative, spent lots of family time together and the sex was pretty good. But she left me for someone because they were more “mysterious” - in other words, less communicative and more emotionally distant. To her, that was more attractive because it kept the “romance” alive. In her mind, talking and sharing so much meant I became predictable, safe and dull - not in the sense that we never did anything exciting, but after a decade getting to know me there wasn’t a challenge any more. She knew me so well, I’d become predictable. Which, ironically, led to the same “best friends” place you are now.

I think your damned whatever you do to be honest.

@tomnooksbalancebook it wasn't the op using the term 'they' that made me think they are young. It's because he says he's 41!! Young!

@Cautious42
A very common phenomenon.