The story so far; I have had a job all our marriage even when we had our DC. I’ve been faithful, never cheated or even flirted. We have been married 14 years.
We argue all the time. EVERYDAY.
I’m not the woman I was when he married me.
Our kids see us bicker all the time.
A few arguments have blown out of control in the past and family members have stepped in to help.
He seems to quickly adjust his tone, behaviour in front of people but behind closed doors-
-he ignores me
-shouts (I shout back too though so I’m no saint)
-he is short tempered
-makes very angry rude faces
-tells me I’m a nightmare
-never consoles me when I cry (I cry a lot)
-neve hugs me (I have to ask and if he does a lot of tapping my back like he would his best mate)
-he’s spent money without asking me in the past
-lied about his money and debt in the past
-he’s stayed out till so late in the past like 4am and not told me where he was left me worried sick but then tells me there is nothing wrong with that and says his colleagues and him were just chatting
-he sent me a photo from a strip bar once, just a photo no words and I was completely shocked. I never knew he went there as when I asked him previously he said he hates those places. He got away with this as well. I always forgive forget.
-he ignores me when I’m speaking to him.
-he shows me no support. If I’m excited about something in my life he gets all withdrawn making me feel edgy instead of smiling and saying I can see you are happy and I’m happy for you.
-he’s a workalholic (is that bad? Probably not) but he told me that it’s because I don’t have a job so if he doesn’t work then we would be up shit street. Like I said I have worked out whole marriage up still the beginning of this year. When I worked he told me my pay is crap, I don’t bring enough in the house. I was earning 500 less than him. That’s a lot I guess, but I was part time and dropping kids some days and also collecting everyday. Not many jobs allow you to have that flexibility.
-if I tell him I’m sad about our relationship and the way we are he says it’s my fault or that it isn’t the time to speak about it (there is never a right time)
-when I’m reasoning with him calmly he starts saying really nasty stuff, like he said yesterday that I just sit in front of the TV flicking channels all day. So how did I apply for over 50 jobs?! I got all rejections and I did feel sad. But I keep the entire home looked after, meals, cleaning etc.
-We have no sex. He won’t be emotionally connected to me and has also chosen to sleep in another room. It started off because of his snoring but when I have asked him to come back he has given excuses, he drinks on purpose I think because he knows I hate the smell of alcohol, especially beer. So I tell him on drinking days he would not be able to sleep next to me (is that bad?)
- we’ve been sleeping apart for over 6 years but our sex life has been an issue for 14 years. Apart from TTC it has been non existent. In all the times we did have sex I initiated it all the time. He has never initiated it.
-when I asked for empathy about the job hunt his response was, yeah I already been there, it’s a process. Instead of saying it must be hard keep your head up and keep going. It’s like he hates me. I can feel it that he hates me
-I have never felt so unloved, unsupported, uncared for in my life.
I have tried my best to show love to him. I always support him in his job, his business. But he’s so controlling about everything. I have to do everything off the back of his business. He won’t let me start my own business. Says it’s too much hard work to set one up. He flogs off my ideas at first, then does what I said but never gives me credit. He says I’m a nightmare and that’s why no one likes me. That’s really harsh because I had a bad time with a few friendships and colleagues over the decade and I confided in my husband and now he uses it all against me. Even though I have rectified most, if not nearly all those relationships and made them stronger. He still to this day uses what he knows about me against me.
I cry A lot. He never consoles me.
I’ve always got a headache or feel sick.
But. He makes enough money to run this house. He always says sorry eventually and that’s why I give in.
I’m beaten and tired of all this emotional neglect, of this tiresome bickering, of the bad fights and arguments, of being put down all the time, of him switching between being fun and angry in seconds, of him never listening to me (because he thinks I’m “telling him what to do”), getting no support or love or even sex. I have suffered low libido so some of those years did not bother me. But the last 5 years I have been really questioning the fact he won’t even initiate. I have spoken to friends and they have a good sex life. I can’t say anything about mine because he knows their husbands/partners. I’ve watched movies where couples even plan it! I think, we don’t even do that! We don’t even sleep in the same bed. This feels all so out of my control.
I feel I hate him too. I hate what we have become and I can’t find that point to restart. He won’t do counselling as he doesn’t believe in it.
Then I think. Well he’s alright. I could be with a man that beat the crap out of me. Yes that scares me because I witnessed this as a child. It’s the one thing I have always been scared of. So when this man I married only gave me verbal and emotional issues and anger faces I thought that is better than him hitting me.
After 14 years and now literally at breaking point I wonder how damaging this really is.
I do feel I may be going through a nervous breakdown as my crying and shouting has got worse.
Please give me any advice and any help on any of these matters.
I don’t care if you are harsh or judge me. I don’t care. Just someone help me please please please please please.