At what point should I go

[LawnFever]

I’m so fed up with DH, I’m thinking of going to stay with my dad ( he in our bubble) for a few days to get some space

He’s always had a temper, has never touched me but lately I feel uneasy - earlier in the year when he was drunk he smashed the glass in an internal door in anger, and this morning he’s smashed the oven door, so that’s unusable now

When he drinks, he doesn’t stop, to the point he’s still drinking at 9/10am the next day when I get up, then he’ll sleep all day and his sleep will be messed up for days, he ends up almost in a psychosis making no sense and behaving erratically. He doesn’t drink all the time, but this happens every single time he drinks, maybe once a month

He leaves a trail of crap behind him all over the house and when I complain/suggest he could put rubbish in the bin rather than on the kitchen side/left on the sofa he says I’m ‘nagging’ - surely it’s not nagging not to want to live in piles of empty crisp packets??

He never sorts out anything practical, like car mot, getting stuff fixed, the car broke recently when I was driving and I was a bit shaken up by it but instead of helping he shouted at me

Back when there was anywhere to go/do he never wanted to do anything anyway but I’d do things with friends, I think this year has made me take a real look at our relationship without anything else I usually have in my life, I know that must be the same for a lot of people

We have no DC, there’s other stuff and a big row today that’s pushed me over the edge I think, should I go tomorrow for a few days?

Go to your dad. Take anything you want to keep. Never go back to that man.

Yes I'd go, if you have no DC there is no reason to stay with him. My DH had anger issues, smashing things etc but not hurting me - similar to your situation but we had a DD together. That kind of stopped me from going even though I realise now that for her sake I should have left.

Go to your dad's, take any and all valuables/paperwork with you and do not return to your H under any circumstances. Whilst you are away I would seek legal advice with a view to divorcing your H. What you are describing here is domestic violence within your home.

You should have left a long time ago. There is nothing keeping you there so leave and don't go back.

Go to your dad’s and don’t look back. Can you see what your future will be like with this man? Cut your losses and start again with renewed strength and hope.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Go to your dad's, take any and all valuables/paperwork with you and do not return to your H under any circumstances. Whilst you are away I would seek legal advice with a view to divorcing your H. What you are describing here is domestic violence within your home.

Do you mean smashing things is classed as domestic violence? Taking a deep breath here, hard to read but I’m taking it in, I appreciate your reply

Please go to your dad’s as soon as possible. This is no way to live. Never go back!

Defno take time out for you, if you ever want a child bear in mind a child will highlight issues in a relationship, and by that time you will be torn between protecting your child and the added difficulties of leaving someone who you will always have to have some sort of contact / relationship with for the child.
I am sure you married him for a good reason , but this behaviour can only be changed by him and only if he wants to do it , but you can change your circumstances for you x x

What will have changed in a few days?

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

Smashing inanimate objects within the home is classed as domestic abuse or domestic violence. He smashing things up is designed to intimidate and otherwise frighten you.

Take a look at Women's Aid recognising domestic abuse page:

"Threats: making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls;" www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Yes, you should leave. And you should make it permanent.

@Hailtomyteeth

Go to your dad. Take anything you want to keep. Never go back to that man.

This

As soon as you start to have serious doubts is the time.
Go to your dad's and take some time to think hard about what you want.
Take any important documents with you, and make sure you protect yourself financially because I have no doubt he isn't going to like it. (So for example if you have a joint account, make sure he can't clear it out.)
Once you've had time to think, and if you decide you want to part:
If you are renting and are on the tenancy, let your landlord know you want to be released and why.
If you jointly own your home, you should seek the advice of a solicitor on how you should proceed with mortgage payments, etc.
If you do decide to make a go of it, he needs to commit to making changes and follow them through.
That's all my opinion of course.
I hope that whatever you decide works out for you.

@TripleSeptic

What will have changed in a few days?

I’ll have time to think about how I can get the house on the market tbh, I just need some space to just figure out my plan and not being here will make that easier - I’m not thinking a few days will solve anything, he’s had long enough to change and hasn’t, I’m accepting it’s not fixable and don’t want it to be really

Yes, this is domestic violence. It's a crime.

Maybe look at doing the Freedom Programme course.

I also hope you stay gone. It will be you he smashes to pieces one day otherwise.

Looking back, scrub that bit of my post about if you want to make a go of it.
I think you know in your heart it's not the right thing to stay together.
Leaving a relationship can feel like a massive step - I've been there, with two children in tow, so very different to your circumstances. But, nevertheless, leave this man and don't look back.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied, you’ve really helped me see the reality of what’s happening here.

I’m at my dads, I’m looking at rentals and I’m going to tell him I want to leave and sell the house.

I’ve had a really good long conversation with a friend and told her everything too, there’s more he’s done, staying out all night with v flimsy excuses that I don’t believe, our sex life is practically non existent,
just a whole heap of crap that I’m done with, I’d be so much happier on my own.

Luckily I’m working from home at the moment so I can work from here for a while easily so that’s a bonus.

This has all been going on for so long I feel like I’ve been making excuses and covering up what’s happening and I don’t even really know why, but I’ve got to accept it’s over and I need to move on.

I'm glad you're out of there, op.