How do you communicate with your DP/DH?

[oneplusone]

This may sound like a silly question, but I find it really hard to talk to my DH about my feelings or anything I'm upset about or anything emotional or difficult to talk about.

The problem is not really him, although, like a lot of men he does find it difficult to just sit and listen to me, but more the fact that growing up in my family, I NEVER talked to either of my parents about how I felt at any given moment in time, whether I was worried/upset/angry about something, I just bottled it up and never talked about it. As a result, I now find it extremely difficult if not impossible to talk to my DH in similar situations when I'm feeling hurt/angry/upset about something.

The worst thing is that I have all these thoughts in my head about what I'd like to say and how I might say it/phrase it, BUT I just find it impossible to actually come out and say something. Then I get really stressed out and frustrated that I really need to talk to him but just can't seem to do it.

I've thought about writing things down and letting him read it but haven't actually done that yet. I feel I can express myself much better in writing but the only time I have any peace and quiet and time to myself to write things down is in the evening once the DC's are in bed. But DH is home from work by then and I feel bit silly writing stuff down whilst he's there and then handing it to him to read!

Any suggestions or tips? What do you do if you need to talk about something that's really bothering you in relation to your DH/DP?

Must admit that this is a problem that I have with my dh too! I used to get myself really worked up about it.

You may not like this, but I actually found it got better when I stopped expecting him to understand. He's not a great listener to begin with, but even if he could improve that, I really don't think he is ever really going to "get me".

We do talk, and we do have a good relationship, but I now spend more time talking to my friends before talking to him. This often helps me realise what is worth having a "discussion" about, and the important things I need to say, and how to get it all out whilst he is still listening. (He has a fairly limited attention span...)

But it's not a bad idea to write it down- makes you think about it too, and he won't blurt something out that you'll both regret later. At least that's the theory...

You need to work out what's really bothering you in a big way before talking to him. If you, a woman, can't analyse the big picture from all the anecdotal evidence in front of you, it is most unlikely that he, a man, will be able to .

Use MN. Discuss how you feel about things on these boards. Do it for weeks - months - even, mull things over in your mind, until you have built up a good picture of what you feel and why.

And then, when you are calm and collected, tell your DH.

Hi LK, I do talk to my friends and like you said it does help sort out what I should get worked up about or not. But that still leaves things I really do need to say to DH but I literally just can't do it because I have NEVER done that in my entire life.

I think writing things down is the only way forward for me, it's just finding the time to sit down and write stuff out. I have no time to myself during the day at all.

I also find I get very upset and emotional sometimes when we do talk and I end up saying things I don't want to or not explaining myself properly. It is soooo frustrating, I feel I need lessons in communication, something that most people just take for granted.

And ironically my DH is very good, or much better than me anyway at talking about his feelings, something I thought men were supposed to be bad at!

I am a 'wear my heart on my sleeve' sort of person and haven't had this problem until I suffered with depression where I had too much going round in my head and poor dh couldn't understand and couldn't help.

I now have a book that I write in a when I feel I need him to read somethinmg I leave it for him and he does. He then thinks and then we have a chat.

This has helped enormously and I'm back to wearing my heart on my sleeve but i still have the book if needs be.

Btw this can help in all aspects of life. I am going to see the consultant as are 37 weeks prgt to discuss issues and last week I could not talk without crying virtually hysterically.
This week I have written exactly my thoughts and feelings and also tried to explain why I was so upset last week so enabling them to understand better.

I know I will cry
But I now have strategies to deal with it

Great suggestion from muppetgirl! Maybe that way you wouldn't feel so awkward about writing when he's around?

And definitely use MN boards. There is always someone to talk to, and you often find people can talk about things more easily in that sort of setting.

Keep trying, that's the best way to improve your communication skills!

It's really wierd though, I am an excellent communicator -I'm a teacher fgs!! I can relate to chiuldren, adults of all different levels and have been complimented on my 'diplomatic' skills when dealing with difficult parents.

BUT ask me if I'm okay and I'll cry

Hi Anna, I hear what you're saying but i feel in my case, even once I've worked out that I do really need to talk to DH about something, actually getting the words out.

I find myself thinking about what to say for days and days, but I never seem able to say anything, I actually feel scared of doing so, and eventually I 'chicken' out of saying anything but still very frustrated inside as I have stuff I really need him to know.

Hi, muppetgirl, I'm glad (but also sorry IYKWIM) that I'm not the only one who might have to resort to writing things down for DH when he's right there next to me!

I find I'm quicker at typing (too much time on MN) than actually writing with a pen and paper so I will have to type stuff out, print it off and hand it to him! How ridiculous, but definately a result of growing up in my highly dysunctional family (which is another thread altogether).

First of all I suppose I'll have to explain to him that this is the way I'll be doing things from now on. He is definately married to a weirdo!

I was asked by my psychologist to write a timeline of my lfe mapping out all the 'significant' events. This was a great starting point not only with her but also dh too.

I too have a wierdo family...

Ok, going to take DC's upstairs for bed now but will be back to this thread later.

Hi oneplusone - it does seem to take ages, I agree, to actually find the opportunity and the words .

If it helps - my partner thinks I am brilliantly analytical about personal stuff... if only he knew just how much work I put into it he wouldn't be so impressed. And there are things that I tell him in a million ways over and over again before the penny really begins to drop...

Tonight, DH has got home, I feel better than I have the past few days mainly as I had a fairly decent night's sleep last night and now I don't want to spoil our evening by talking about this subject with him. I'd like to just curl up on the sofa with DH, watch some tv and then just go to bed and not have to say to him that I need to 'talk' to him about stuff but I can't actually talk and tomorrow evening whilst he's out meeting a friend for a drink I will be busy writing out what i want to say ready for him to read later!

I feel like such an idiot and yet I know it probably is the only way I will be able to communciate my feelings to him as this has been going on for years now and I still haven't cracked how to 'talk' to him.

Just hope my kids don't end up like me.

oneplusone - I hate to say it, but your children will learn (or not learn) from your example...