Lack of sex about to end our relationship

[Linda156]

together 6 years. Have a 1.5year old. Life is good, stable. I'm happy. Problem is I haven't wanted to have sex in a long time. After giving birth I felt scared I would get pregnant again, now that issue has gone away and I still have zero libido. Partner has been so patient and understanding and making do with once a month, (a quick 5 minute crappy session with no real input from me) but now its been 4 months and every time he mentions the issue or makes a move I reject him. Its not him, I still find him attractive and he's a good dad. We cuddle, kiss, spoon in bed so intimacy isn't a problem it just seems to be the sex. He's tried every angle and he looks deflated every time i say no. I dont know whats wrong with me but its definitely since having baby. I'm not tired, baby sleeps through and we have our evenings. This is going to push us apart if I dont make some effort to be close again im just unsure where to start before my sexless relationship falls to bits. I seem to be quite happy to plod along without it and that's not fair on my partner or or relationship...so any advice appreciated on how to get things going again.

OP it's quite common that women lose their libido following pregnancy and birth. Have you talked to your GP it could be hormone levels? Or relationship counselling? Have you tried date nights - although you may be spending time together in the evenings are you on your phones or watching TV and not interacting? Trying to engage with each other always brings my libido back. Also, exercise is a great tonic for feeling great and getting in the mood - gets the serotonin moving.

I think it's really good that you have recognised this is a problem instead of brushing it under the carpet. Has your DH said he will leave if things don't change?

@VioletSunset he hasnt threatened to leave or anything like that, but we've had a lot of heavy conversations where he just looks like he doesnt know what else to try and said he cant be in a sexless relationship forever. Which is fair I suppose, hes early thirties and we should be enjoying each other

To be honest I understand where he's coming from as I have a high sex drive myself and would find it tough being with someone who had no interest, but I completely understand your side too. Have you spoken to your GP? It could be hornone related. Have you been breastfeeding?

I lost my libido years ago and it broke up my 2nd marriage.
I went for counselling and it wasn't in my mind it was definitely physiological. I then explored this with several different GPs none of whom were remotely interested even though it was affecting my happiness and mental health.
They don't care because it usually isn't a problem they can send you away with a pill for.
But I can tell you any kind of contraceptive killed what was left of it stone dead. Implants, pills, injections.
It might be an idea to give the responsibility for contraception to your partner to see if that improves things.
I did this and felt much much better but unfortunately my exH could not maintain an erection with a condom on for some reason so we split up in the end.

Definitely try the doctor. The pill took my libido away too, so perhaps ditch that if you're on it.

I'm much older than you. My libido has returned (post menopause). Part of what helped me is to fantasise and read about sex. Also masturbation as I find it easier when I don't have to worry what the effect is on my partner. But by pleasing myself, it makes me in the mood more frequently.

Also helps to spend time with my partner away from kids etc, doing something we both enjoy as that makes us feel closer.

I would keep trying to do it once a week for a few weeks and see if you start to enjoy it.Also take a multi vitamin

1. Spend quality time together. No phones no TV. Chat, laugh, flirt.

1. Exercise helps you feel more alive. Releases hormones and ups your energy levels and makes you look better.

1. Check your contraception. Sometimes that's a big problem.

1. Think of yourself as a sexy confident women. Not a frumpy, tired mum.

1. Get some new underwear and wear it. Think about how great you look in it. DH doesn't even have to see it yet.

1. Have a passionate snog! Really go for. Like you just met and you want to show him what he's missing!

1. Ask him to take things really slowly if you are in the mood. Accept his love for you and enjoy how he wants to make you feel.

1. Spend sometime on your self. Doing something just for you.

I'd get him to put the baby to bed and have a long soak in the bath with a couple of glasses of wine and then put on something you feel good in.

@cherrytrifle

I'd get him to put the baby to bed and have a long soak in the bath with a couple of glasses of wine and then put on something you feel good in.

That advice is often well meant but the 'have a bubble bath and get a bit drunk is simplistic only works for those whose libidos are suffering due to a lack of stress. It's not going to make any difference otherwise.

I'd avoid hormonal contraceptives if it's possible. Most of them work by stopping you from ovulating. They're called hormonal contraceptives and they certainly are that in more ways than one! For many women, no ovulation = no need for sex. You literally aren't fertile. Plus, many if not most of them result in a drop of free testosterone levels, and they could affect dopamine too.

Also, the worry you feel over it might not be helping either. If it's not hormonal, I would explore if you feel stimulated in your life. Do you often feel excited? Get to explore interesting challenges or new things?

A different way of looking at it is that our society expects women (and we expect ourselves) to retain the same sexual function after having children. Some women do but some women don't and I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with you. You body might just be one that shuts down sexually until the child is more independent. In terms of evolution it would sense as it allows mothers to fully concentrate on the first essential years of a child's life without being too stretched by the arrival of another baby. Breastfeeding an elevated prolactin levels can shut down libido too.

I used to have a high set drive few kids later and now pregnant its not on my priories infact the last time we had sex was 2 months ago 😐 for me its because I'm exhausted mainly but actually do miss the intimacy

I only feel like it when I'm ovulating, so I'm wondering if hormonal contraceptives affect that.

How much time do you have alone, when he's in sole charge of DC? And how often?

And when you say no libido, does this also include no self-pleasuring when you've got time/are alone? I would actually look to getting that going first before in conjunction with him - to check really if you're afraid of any combo or one of your body/genitals/sexual pleasure/climax or it's entirely that it means or does nothing for you now. Because it sounds like your quickies are more pleasurable for him than you?

I also think going to the dr is an idea and a hormonal check plus coming off hormonal contraception to see if it makes a difference. However, I'm not sure that if you're always in "Mum-mode", with no time to yourself, you're suddenly going to be gagging for it because you come off contraception.

It would be a shame if this ended your relationship as you sound like you have a nice, caring partner. There are some good suggestions on here - nice bath, candles , new undies - they will all help. Just try and spend some time just touch v with no pressure and you might start getting back into it xx

This happened to me. I do believe it’s a mixture of hormones/stress/human nature and possibly a bit of birth trauma. Took me about 3 years to get my libido back but now husband doesn’t want me because I “rejected him for years” and now he’s playing a payback game. So we are in a sexless intimacy deficient marriage and I’m gagging for affection. Your man does sound very reasonable and thoughtful. It’d be such a waste for the relationship to end on just sex alone when everything else is ok! X

Are you breastfeeding? That can really effect your sex drive both physiologically and psychologically.

Thank you all so much for your advice and suggestions. I actually sat with my partner last night and we read through them together. I think taking time for myself is a big step and feeling sexy again. I wear ugly bras and big knickers and it's quite rare I throw any make up on (which prior to becoming a mum I used to do a lot). And to answer a previous question, I'm not even sorting myself out at the moment because the urge just isnt there. I went on the injection 7 months ago and things definitely decreased with that as well so it's something to think about with my gp. I'm only late 20s and it's like since becoming ive turned into a boring old hag who only wants to do mum things. Maybe it's important I realise I was someone before being a mum too and find that person again.

I prescribe masturbation 3 times a week!
Seriously - buy yourself a proper wand vibrator and get busy several times a week. Make sure you're on your own and keep at it until you finish. Your orgasm muscles need exercise just like any others and that's physically and mentally.

I found that being on the pill made me lose the urge. Having nothing hormonal made me more aware of my cycle and I was aware of feeling horny when I was fertile.
Masturbate - the more you do that and have ex the more you will want it.
Have you tried watching a film with romance/sex, does it turn you on ?