Division of labour

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That oldie.

We are struggling with finding a balance in our division of labour. Both of us think we are doing an unfair amount.

DH- gets up at 6am with the DC, starts work at 7.30am (WFH) and then works all day, finishing at 9pm ish (sometimes later) will "help" with bath and bed a couple of times a week and will do it on Saturdays. Has a lay in Sunday's.

Me- lay in until 7am. Sort out breakfast and then get DC ready for school. Do school/ nursery run. Get home at 9.30am and start work (also WFH mainly but occasionally have meetings in the office/ go out to see clients). Stop for lunch at 12, make DH lunch too. Clear up afterwards. Spend 10/15 mins doing cleaning/ washing etc. 2.30pm I have to leave to get DC - there is no wraparound care anymore at school. There is a wait between their collection times and so I don't get back until 4pm, I then start cooking dinner, get DC to do homework, try to get a bit more work done and we sit down to eat at 5.30 - DH joins us. I then clear up, clean kitchen whilst he goes back to work. 6.30 I take the DC up for bath and get them into bed for 7.30pm. I then tidy away the toys, hoover downstairs and log on to do another hour's work - I finish at 9pm and collapse in front of the tv. DH usually packs up work at the same time (it is almost like a competition, he can't finish until I have).

DH does virtually no cooking (maybe once every two weeks he might cook a meal on a Saturday night), no cleaning (he might put the hoover round at the weekend if asked to), no washing, no ironing, no food planning or shopping (I do it all online). I am contracted to work 30 hours a week and so used to work 9- 3.30pm with half an hour for lunch but now because of the school situation I end up having to work in the evenings. DH has quite a senior job and has always worked long hours (not this long!) but out of the house and he used to do more at home at weekends - he barely even bothers to put his plate in the dishwasher anymore, I feel like his lackey, he even speaks to me like I am an employee.

However, DH feels as he gets up with the DC every morning (except Sunday) he is pulling his weight. I am not a morning person whereas he is the type to leap up at 6am ready to start the day. I have offered to take turns with the mornings but he refuses - if I get up he will send me back to bed as he is awake anyway.
If I ever complain about his lack of help he will bring it back to him getting up with the DC.

I am struggling - struggling to keep up with my work, struggling to keep on top of housework and utterly, utterly fed up of meal planning, shopping and cooking.

Being at home makes it feel like there is loads more work to do - I end up making lunches for me and DH which seems trivial but it takes time and I have to clear up afterwards - there is more mess, I notice more cleaning to do. DC would get tea at after school club and so we would have something simple for dinner - beans on toast/ soup but now I have to cook a proper meal (DH too). I feel like I am always preparing meals or snacks!

Am I alone in this?

His childcare in the early morning equates to your 2.30-4pm slot surely? So after that it's a blank page with all other tasks to be divvied out

Write that out for him and ask him if it’s fair, he sounds like he’s being a douche.

As I have been in this situation, after going back to work from being a sahm and working from home. I just stopped doing stuff. Why are you making lunch and working in the evening? I would just grab a quick snack and go back to work

As you know, you are doing too much and he's accustomed to it. I'm sure he's quite able to get his own lunch, and indeed, make yours while he's at it. If you were a fly on the wall in his office, I bet you'd see that he's not working all those hours - there will be web surfing, maybe even some movie watching. Nobody would do 7.30 till 9 solidly, every day. Also, what of his health? You don't mention him doing anything else, that's a lot of hours sat down, motionless, doesn't sound good.

Yes, he is sat at his desk the whole time. He claims he is working constantly (and he does seem to be on a lot of zoom calls). I agree it isn't healthy.

Each week he claims that he will help with the school runs (I seem to spend a ridiculous amount of time ferrying the DC to and from school and waiting around for their drop off / collection times - 3 DC and 10 mins or so between each one) but this never materialises - he is always too busy to help but he never seems to manage his diary to make it happen (he is senior enough that he should be able to) and so it all falls to me.

If he lived alone, at the very least he would make his own lunch and dinner and wash his own clothes.
It might be an idea to stop doing those jobs at least, until he’s ready to discuss and change the current division of labour.

Urgh. I just need to vent.
I have had a horribly busy week at work and spent today in the office trying to sort out an issue. I have not eaten since breakfast.
Begged DH to collect the DC, or at least the one that comes out first to give me a bit more time to finish my work but he refused. He is too busy.

I got home and the dishwasher hadn't been emptied from the breakfast things, his dirty plate and stuff left out from when he made his lunch. Milk still out from when he has made himself tea. The teabag just dumped in the sink.

I now have to cook dinner. I am hungry so just stuffing some toast. I am going to do a quick pasta and sauce for the DC and not do anything for him. Fucking arsehole. He knows how busy I have been this week. He has not left his office since 7.30am Monday morning except to eat and sleep. We all have to tiptoe around him so as not to disturb. Honestly, if his work is that busy that he cannot even put a bottle of milk back in the fridge there is something wrong with him/ his organisation.

Oh and the sole bit of housework he has done all week - he put a load of washing in the machine on Wednesday morning (his clothes, I didn't do them with mine at the weekend as I was too pissed off with him) he didn't even turn it on. I asked him this morning what the deal was and he said "I thought you might have more stuff to put in" I.e I am far too busy and important to do something menial like put the washing machine on (either that or he doesn't know how).

These things are all just a fat two fingers up at me, aren't they?

I am so angry.

I am going to order myself Deliveroo on his account and have a very large glass of wine.

Fuck him. Just.fuck.him.

No-one honestly works 7.30am-9pm every day if they're salaried (possibly he might if he's self-employed, but then that would be a choice). He's choosing to duck his chores.

Does he get paid overtime? Do you have joint finances - it sounds like they might be split? (I'm wondering if you see any benefit from these long hours of his?)

I would have to try to reset expectations - if you work 30 hours and he's contracted for 37 hours, you'd probably be reasonable to split chores 60:40. I guess this is where he would argue that his working hours are much longer - but him doing 13 1/2 hour days is a choice he's making. Does everyone else at his work do it? Does no-one else at his work have to do the school run?

If he really has to do 67 hours a week, that's ~2x your hours. So you could argue he should still split the housework 70%:30%. Doing a few hours childcare each morning isn't anywhere near 30%. Maybe you should record how much childcare / housework you do in a week for comparison?

So divide up the chores into yours and his - he doesn't have to do his himself, but he does have to get them done (e.g. pay for and organise a cleaner, arrange online shopping orders, pay for and arrange childcare - this would work better if you have split finances and it has to come out of his money).

Stop making his lunch for him, unless he makes it for you a similar amount of the time. And stop tip-toeing around him. I think I would probably stop bothering to do anything for him until he starts participating in family life (no food, no washing), which you're doing already. Leave his washing that he didn't bother to turn on - put it next to the machine if you need to use the washer for yourself.

Out of interest, what's he like at weekends?

He is salaried. No paid overtime. He is quite senior in his company though (promoted a year ago) and longer hours are expected but this is ridiculous.
Finances are joint except we have our own personal spending accounts. He is not averse to throwing money at a problem.

He absolutely does not agree he is choosing to do these hours. I do think his work have unreasonable expectations but this year has meant no one wants to rock the boat. No one else at his level does the school run - the main bosses are all several times divorced 🙄 men and there is only one (divorced) woman at his level who has teenagers.

I have suggested a rota but he says that is petty. He honestly thinks he pulls his weight. I think I will start keeping a diary of everything I do and the time I spend doing it. It is silly things like - school drop off takes an hour and collection 1.5hrs - I mentioned today when I asked for his help that this is how long it takes, it has never occurred to him before.

We did have a cleaner but she went back to Poland and I have struggled to get another. I don't know if it is just me but I have found it so hard to retain a cleaner lately - I have had about 3 since June and they all leave. Maybe I am really difficult 😂 the last one I practically begged to stay.

Childcare is a tricky one - I used to use the after school club (and breakfast club if needed) but both of these have been restricted to key worker children. I have tried to find a childminder but none have space for 3 DC. We were planning on getting an au pair this summer, but, Covid.

The food prep and planning really, really annoys me. We have to send packed lunches in for the DC at the moment - obviously, they all have something different. I get two food deliveries a week so that I have fresh stuff available. I remind DH before every cut off that if he wants anything he has to add it to the order. He doesn't. Then at lunchtime he will hear me start to make myself something and he will scuttle out of his office to say something like "I'll just have what you are having" or "can you just put a bit of toast on for me" etc and it seems childish to refuse. I feel like he is another child I have to cater for. I have to cook a proper meal each night as it is the only hot meal DC get now (they used to have school dinners and a hot tea at after school club but the kitchen is too small for the two cooks to social distance) and again DH will scuttle out of his office to have some food each night. He was a little put out that he got about 10 bits of penne pasta with pesto tonight as I only cooked for the DC. I imagine he thinks I will make a proper dinner for us later

I turned the washing machine on, our youngest came home with a coat caked in mud so that went in with his nice designer clothes 😂

All the arranging is down to me - I have had Poppy Day, children in need this week, odd socks anti bullying next week, costumes for the Christmas concert have to be in the week after etc. He has never organised a food shop or a cleaner. Childcare wouldn't even occur to him.

Weekends - pre Covid he would help out round the house, cook half the time and play with the DC loads. Now - he works some of the time, plays with the DC and that's it. He is very much - I am not doing chores when I have worked 60hrs+ this week. He is very good with the DC when he devotes his time to them but he finds it hard when he wants to work and they are bothering him.

He is very much - I am not doing chores when I have worked 60hrs+ this week.

But so are you! You may be starting an hour after him, but you're working until 9pm each night. You're just as busy as he is (because he artificially finishes at the same time that you do). So who does he expect to do the chores at the weekend?

Definitely keep a log of how much time you spend on chores for a week. And how much he does too, if you feel like it. Doesn't matter if he thinks a rota is petty at this point - he hasn't left you with much option. What he actually means is that he doesn't want a rota because he'll be shown up.

The very fact that he waits until you finish every night to stop, and that he pops out when he hears you cooking, tells me that he's not working 65hrs +, but is pretending to in order to dodge the housework.

I think I would be churlish enough to refuse to cook for him at lunch/dinner - if he wants you to help him out sometimes, he needs to reciprocate. And I wouldn't do his washing - he couldn't even manage 1 load ffs.

I would encourage him to throw his own personal money at the problem if it takes some of your load off your shoulders. You could make the cleaner 'his' job, and he'd have to do the admin of searching for one?