He makes me feel so sad

[PebblesE]

Still trying to get over online texting dh had from a year ago. Things have been quite rubbish since but there have been good times too and he’s adamant he wants us to work although says he’s not sure we can.
He’s said some pretty hurtful things about what led him to do it and made me feel insecure about our future by undoing what I thought was a happy past.
When does it ever feel better? 😞

Probably it would help if he didn't seem to be deliberately undercutting efforts to get through it by saying he's not sure you can etc. Does that happen to be when you're seeking reassurance or being emotional about what he did?

You could try relationship counselling?

Who was he texting, did they ever meet and what did he say made him do it ? Could you try couples counselling ?

It sounds rubbish.
Why does he say he's not sure it can work when he was the perpretrator?

Someone who hot desked at his workplace for a few months. They saw each other and had sneaky catch ups in the kitchen but nothing physical.
Lots of late night messages about their shit relationships and what they’d like sex to be like though not exactly sexting more a discussion about what they like. I know as I read all the messages.
After I found out, he said ‘I’m not playing the begging game’ I guess because of how he felt leading up to it. He says he’d been Un happy with us for a long time.
He did spring counselling on me with 24 hours notice, two years ago, then went to the first session and declared he didn’t think he needed to go again but thought that I should. (My mum is dying, disabled niece, our son has a mental health referral etc etc)
I actually believe he’s gone through some kind of crisis. He lost a shed load of weight and hit the gym so hard he actually looked ill. Wanted to buy a crazy fast car etc but didn’t have the funds.
It’s no excuse for what he did. I’m just trying to give a picture.
I think he’s aware i’m still so sad and cross so that’s why he feels we might not move forward. Oh that and he almost finished this sentence:
“I just wish we could rewind and go back to being moderat..... happy like we were”
I asked if he was going to describe our 20 years together as moderately happy and he said it’s just another example of him saying what he doesn’t mean 😪

We did try counselling and it was quite helpful until it got to the point where I had to forgive him and do little joint role plays.
It felt way too premature for me so we ended it.
It was only a month or two after I found his phone so no time at all I don’t think to try to get my head around it all and forgive him

He's let you down, said he doesn't know if it can work again and isn't making much effort.

OP life is too short to be this sad about someone who isn't all in. Please consider whether this is a relationship you should really be pursuing or if it's time to move on.

I would seek some therapy for yourself (not with him) if you don't feel ready to make a decision yet about the relationship, so you can work through it with someone in a safe space.

Your relationship shouldn't make you sad all the time - life is too short for that

Thank you
I do think I should seek counselling.
I think I’m in shock at what he seems to think our past has been like.
He has said some lovely things too and doesn’t want our family to separate but those feelings aside, I know he’s not 100% about his love for me and I think I’m fighting with the idea that that might ever return? How do you become so unstuck and find a way back to that person being enough for you again?
I’m not just waiting to see if he can. I know it makes me sound really weak but we have children and a lovely home. He also controls all the finances and I gave up everything so he could better his career.
Total cliche

@PebblesE

Thank you I do think I should seek counselling. I think I’m in shock at what he seems to think our past has been like. He has said some lovely things too and doesn’t want our family to separate but those feelings aside, I know he’s not 100% about his love for me and I think I’m fighting with the idea that that might ever return? How do you become so unstuck and find a way back to that person being enough for you again? I’m not just waiting to see if he can. I know it makes me sound really weak but we have children and a lovely home. He also controls all the finances and I gave up everything so he could better his career. Total cliche

Let's reframe that narrative OP because you're making yourself feel even worse about yourself!

You don't sound weak, but you do sound vulnerable.

So it's time to put some steps in place to make you less vulnerable and more empowered.

You'll probably find that if you put some steps in place through counselling you will be able to start seeing the bigger picture and make some decisions about what to do next.

Your vulnerability is due partly to self esteem being damaged by him but also due to lack of independence. Financially and emotionally - those are things you can change. It will be hard but it can be done. Me and other people like me who have left abusive (or just rubbish / toxic) relationships can tell you that honestly.

As I said before, this is no way to live your life. You get ONE shot. That's it. Don't spend any more of it focusing on his needs / wants / perception of you. Start building yourself up and focusing on you. That doesn't mean you have to leave him immediately or even that soon, if you don't feel ready. But you do need to invest in yourself and your confidence so you can make an informed decision that you are ready to act on.

OP He does not sound remorseful at all. I often wonder what would be the outcome when men are messaging other women in this way and they did not get found out? Would it fizzle out or would it become a full blown affair ? Only you can work this out.

I know one thing. If I were single, I would not want to be involved in any way with a married man. It can't be about anything other than sex can it ?

I know I am not you but this would be the biggest let down if my guy was talking to another woman and telling her how shit his life was with me and talking about sex with her. I would not tolerate it. Without trust how can you move on ?

Is he even making an effort at all to help you deal with his betrayal? Are you 100% sure they are no longer in contact?

Begging would be the absolute minimum I would expect, to even consider the possibility of staying together. He’s making no effort because...why would he? He doesn’t have to.

Do you have access to money?

Imo you need to get a job because your dh is playing you.
Don't put up with being the unpaid housekeeper.

He's not going to beg to stay because he doesn't care that much. Going to the gym, new clothes usually mean impressing another woman.
You're worth much more than this.
Look at what you want in life. Imagine how your life could be if it was on your terms not his.

I know he’s not 100% about his love for me

This is a really sad statement . The fact that he has told you he doesn’t know if the two of you can work , to me , looks as though he’s trying to keep you off balance , worrying that he’s not completely onboard with making things work . The slip up when he was about to say moderately happy , that wasn’t a slip up ,that was more of the same . He really doesn’t sound really interested, never mind committed with making things work . If he was ,he’d be attending counseling, he’d be reassuring you every step of the way .
I think that you need to decide at what point his apathy regarding you and your marriage is enough to say enough is enough .
You have children , and a lovely home , and a DH who is financially abusive and is acting as if he’s just going through the motions of trying to save a marriage he drove into the ditch , with no genuine desire to save it .

He’s keeping you on your toes isn’t he with his comments - fuck him OP - look at his actions and not his words - what do his actions say to you?
Look at your relationship - the power balance. - is it all in your favour.
Please go to counselling FOR YOU 💐
You have a lot on and you need support.