Pregnant: hormones or DH being a dick?

[frenchtoast88]

Aibu or is it hormones? I’ve lost all sense of perspective. Can already tell this is going to be long.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant. Have a 15mo DD who stopped breastfeeding last week and I know there’s a hormone dip after that. Have been feeling the mental load for a few months. So much to do in the house before the new baby comes and DH isn’t the slightest bit interested in making that happen. It’s fine, I care how things look he is less fussed. But I’m trying to line up 4 different trades in the right order to get a medium sized bit of work done before Christmas which is adding to the mental load. Plus going back to work and having to be the only one arrange/deliver DD to various childcares and change my working hours to accommodate this.

I had told him earlier today (and on two other occasions since being pregnant) that I was struggling and asked for help. Apparently I hadn’t made it clear what form that help would take, so today made it clear that I would like him to offer to take DD to the park at the weekend so I could rest. Instead he took “help” into his own hands.

There’s a basket of toys in our bedroom. I had mentioned moving it as DD doesn’t play with many of the toys anymore, just the few on the top. I had said I might swap it with some toys in her bedroom. He was doing bath time tonight and I came into our room and realised the basket was missing. Couldn’t see it in any obvious place so asked him where it was. He said he’d put it in the attic like I’d said (I did not say this). I knew some of the toys had been left lying out earlier and didn’t think he would have tidied them first. Correct. I went up to get it back and found the basket with incomplete toys in/beside it. Think 6 out of 8 stacking cups, ring sorter with rings missing and a jigsaw without all the pieces. In the attic. Loose, on the floor. Beside all the other crap he shoves up there when I ask him to tidy anything.

I hit the roof. Shouting, crying etc. My reaction may have been over the top but it felt like he hadn’t listened to a word I’d said. He’d done something stupid unprompted then blamed me for complaining whenever he does anything. I feel like it’s not even about the basket, it represents that I have asked for help for the third time and he has completely missed the mark and moving the basket was like some sort of two fingers up to say “you can’t tell me what to do”.

All I wanted was him to take DD away for an hour tomorrow so I could rest. He’s never once offered that since I’ve been pregnant. I feel like I can’t even speak to any friends about it because either I’ll come off as a psycho for getting so upset about a basket of toys, or that he’ll come off as a bad person and I don’t really want to present that view to the outside world.

He’s very against being told what to do, which is why I hadn’t laid out exactly how I wanted him to help. How do I tackle this?

Stop blaming your unwillingness to be the domestic slave on your hormones.

I don’t really have any advice.... except to say is he ever going to change?

I’m newly pregnant a d was extremely tired and sick, the father was still here then and was wanting to come across as ‘anything I can do to help I will’ - so I asked him one day, just one time, to walk the dogs for me..... no, because it was raining, he then went out for the rest of the day.
He’s now buggered off to another country and honesty, reading posts like yours and so many others I just think good riddance.
Yea it might of only been a little thing like walking the dogs, but that day I really needed the rest and he wouldn’t do it because like your dh he didn’t like being told what to do or doing anything he didn’t want to.

Sorry you’re in this situation. I gave up on child’s father. Hope you have better luck in getting him to step up.

@Calligraphy572

Stop blaming your unwillingness to be the domestic slave on your hormones.

This is the support I need 🙌🏻

Haha I think it's probably not a LTB situation. I know he has it in him to step up. He made a lot of big life changes before we committed to starting a family so I know he can do these things. But I also think he sometimes falls back on that as him having done enough. He thinks of himself as a modern man and always goes on about doing right by his family, but isn't always good at listening to what his family actually need. Urgh.

TBH, I think that hitting the roof and shouting and crying was your hormones, not a reasonable reaction. My reaction would have been more eye-rolly.

Telling him precisely what help you need seems like the way ahead. Maybe list a few things that would help you, so he can feel he's got some control over which ones he chooses?

Did he say he was moving the basket instead of taking your daughter out tomorrow? I don't get how the two are connected. Sounds to me like he's very cack handedly tried to help. Your reaction does seem pretty extreme, but understandable if this is a frustrating pattern.

He doesn't think that any of this is his job, presumably because it's always been your job. I would do the following:

1. Ask him to take shared parental leave for the next baby. You take mat leave for 6 months (or 9 months, whatever works), and then he does 3 months. He'll be at home with both kids by himself all day, and he'll have to step up.

1. Establish a routine where he takes your oldest out to the park every weekend for an hour. He also does bedtime with her every night (or bathtime - depends on which bits you enjoy least).

1. I'm worried that you're doing all the drop-offs / pick-ups when you go back to work and changing your hours to accommodate this. What's he going to be doing? I would suggest he either drops off or picks up, every day.

He needs to start pulling his weight with childcare - you'll both be working FT so he should expect to do half the chores and childcare work. It sounds as if you're going to accommodate it all into your schedule, and he'll just carry on unaffected.

Thanks @LannieDuck

1. We chatted about it last time and due to the timing of lockdown he ended up on furlough for a few months at the end of may so was at home with us. Although being at home as one of two parents is very different to doing it alone but it's not like I could go anywhere anyway! I wouldn't have felt ready to leave DD full time that early i don't think, especially as she was still BF a lot and my boobs don't appreciate pumps! I may feel different with number 2.

1. This is a good idea. Today has passed with no offer. We'll see if it appears tomorrow. He wants to visit his mum so I'm expecting no park will happen. Really need him to think it's his own idea or he'll object to being bossed around. He does do bath time every night and probably half the bedtimes but it's while I make dinner. He does finish dinner if I'm doing bedtime and will always clean up afterwards regardless of who cooked which I really appreciate.

1. I only work 20hrs a week which was chosen to fit in with what we could afford for nursery and our mums helping. It has been fine but I do feel like it's my responsibility to arrange childcare for me to work rather than a family thing. I read threads on here about awful husbands but never considered mine like that! He has a long commute and ends up out 6.30-5.30 so isn't really feasible to do either pick up or drop off. Especially when I finish at either 3pm or 4pm. We've had conversations about him trying to change his hours but again nothing has yet come of it. He works in a company full of men so flex work requests are not the norm.

Sorry, I think I must have assumed you were FT back at work rather than PT. It's more reasonable for you to do the nursery run in that case... but he shouldn't be put off by flex requests not being the norm - someone has to be the first! ;)

The fact that you can’t just ask him to do something speaks volumes. How convenient for him.

Sorry OP. The reason you reacted badly to the basket incident was because you saw the truth - his message was that if he gets asked to DO something he doesn’t want to do he will make sure it backfires on you. That way you won’t ask again. He is training you.

OP You sound like me 4 years ago.
Tonight I’m celebrating my 1st week with him gone after 11 years.

If yours doesn’t improve soon - and sticks to it - he’s never going to!

And this is ok for you op? Going through these ridiculous drawn out charades, where you have to come up with schemes and plans and use psychological tactics against him because he can’t respond to a simple ‘please pop down the park with the baby for an hour so I can get some rest’ like a normal person?

@Whysrumgone

And this is ok for you op? Going through these ridiculous drawn out charades, where you have to come up with schemes and plans and use psychological tactics against him because he can’t respond to a simple ‘please pop down the park with the baby for an hour so I can get some rest’ like a normal person?

I think it's more a case of me wanting to feel like I don't have to ask. Like he can see I'm tired and offers. I control pretty much everything in the house. Deal with all the bills, any works, all the mental load stuff. I'll be honest and say I prefer it this way for the most part, I'm an organised person and wouldn't like to let go of the control. Does that make me controlling? I don't know, maybe. I feel there's a fine line and I don't want to have to micro manage him by saying ok for this hour I need you to be here. I'd just like it to be offered.

It seems like he thinks your the default parent and he just picks and chooses when to help. It that right?