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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being irrational and ridiculous over DPs relationship with ex?

21 replies

itputsthelotioninthebasket · 06/11/2020 13:47

Name changed for this.

DP, fairly newish relationship between us.
He has an ex girlfriend who badgers him constantly because she's clearly not over him. He hasn't told her about me, won't block her or stop answering her calls....because he apparently really does care about her two children. He's never had children of his own so I think the time that they spent together, lived together etc, was his first taste of what fatherhood could be like. He says that if he told her about me she would flip and never let him see the kids again.
I'm trying to be understanding about this all. But when he goes over to hers to see the kids he goes off radar for the entire day. When I raised my concerns about this with him he said that he can't be seen to be glued to his phone because she's ask him who he's talking to and if she found out, blah blah blah. This sounds like bollocks to me because if he wanted to message me back he could just go to the loo or something.
A few weeks ago he even ended up staying the night there because his car 'wouldn't start'. He told me about this as it was happening via text, sent me a photo of him in bed in her spare room etc. It's since turned out that yes, there was an issue with his car that evening, but the whole thing caused me real anguish and upset at the time.
Last night he was supposed to come and see me and stay over. The plan was that in the morning he'd leave mine and go to hers because it's one of the kids birthdays. He'd hand over his present before school begins etc, and you'd think he'd leave, right?
Wrong. He called me last night and said he's ill so can't come over. That's fine. But this morning he's made a miraculous recovery and gone to deliver his ridiculously extravagant gift. And he's still at her house now. Both the kids are at school!
Tell me he's a dick and I can do better please. I'm furious with him. He's behaving like he's done nothing wrong whenever I tell him I'm done with his bollocks.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysstillhere · 06/11/2020 13:49

Are you sure she even thinks they have split up?

Upstartcrones · 06/11/2020 13:51

He's still in a relationship with her. Glaringly obvious. LTB

Bootskates · 06/11/2020 13:54

He's having you on.

Sorry Flowers

Drinkingallthewine · 06/11/2020 13:54

Yes, sounds like they are still together.

AlternativePerspective · 06/11/2020 13:54

You’re the OW.

MrsBrunch · 06/11/2020 13:55

End it with him, he's not available for a relationship with you.

pooopypants · 06/11/2020 13:56

He's a dick. He's stringing you along. They're still together and you're the bit of fluff on the side.

workhomesleeprepeat · 06/11/2020 13:57

When did they ‘break up’ op? Look even if they’re not actually still together, his inability to tell her he’s in another relationship is pathetic. They’re not even his kids!

DustyLoafer · 06/11/2020 13:59

You're making a fool of yourself hanging on for crumbs.

BigDanglyBaubles · 06/11/2020 13:59

He has two slices of cake and is enjoying both! I would think carefully about continuing a relationship with him.

user1481840227 · 06/11/2020 14:18

If they have actually even split up then I would imagine he is using the kids to stay close to his ex. I know loads of men who have done that!

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 06/11/2020 14:23

Ditch him - especially since it's early days and you haven't wasted too much time and energy on this man yet. Walk away and find someone who won't think so little of you he behaves like this guy is. Sending strong vibes!

itputsthelotioninthebasket · 06/11/2020 14:28

Yeah...it's done. I've ended it, no one is worth this amount of aggro. He's still insisting that I'm being unreasonable.
It's not quite as cut and dried as some of the posts suggest. I know they have indeed split up. He was back there clearing the last of his belongings from an out house on the day his car broke down. He usually will go to see the kids whenever things are cordial between them, sometimes twice in one week, other times she will keep him away for months. She lives an hour away from where his house is.

OP posts:
Poppyismyfavourite · 06/11/2020 14:35

yeah right lol...

Poppyismyfavourite · 06/11/2020 14:36

sorry OP, hadn't refreshed!

EatDessertFirst · 06/11/2020 14:44

You are clearly the OW. Glad you have ended it. You are worth so much more than begging for scraps.

romeolovedjulliet · 06/11/2020 15:03

poor love, a dent to his ego, he'll just have to find a 2nd slice of cake else where now you've upset his arrangement, of course he thinks you're.
well done for getting out of it op you deserve so much more than this twat.

Bunnymumy · 06/11/2020 15:56

Think he has been dicking her about the same way he has you. Gaslighting you telling you yous should be fine with him hanging with his ex and going off radar all day. Be he said similar to her about female 'friends'.

He has been a manipulative prat with you and probably is with her too. Not really sure why any woman would continue to let a man see their kids if they didn't think there was still something between them. Bet she flung him out but he is working on her resolve.

Good on ya for getting shot.

SilverRoe · 06/11/2020 22:15

You’ve done the right thing. And while he may be at the stage of collecting things, it seems pretty unlikely he is actually properly single considering all the other behaviour. It’s really common for recent exes to carry on couple-y time, including sleeping together. Sounds like he wanted to keep something going with her on that level as well as with you. And him trying to make out like you are unreasonable is bullshit, hope that has reinforced your decision. Flowers

category12 · 06/11/2020 22:38

It doesn't really matter if they're genuinely broken up or not, basically they're still too entwined and invested in each other for there to be a secure relationship for you with him. Better to leave them to it.

BlueThistles · 07/11/2020 01:15

glad you ended this nonsense OP ... good on you 🌺

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