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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating

26 replies

Sanaa1988 · 06/11/2020 11:48

Hello

I feel like this could be a long story so i am going to shorten it as much as i can. I met my husband 8 years ago and i think i was really desperate to settle down and when i met him he ticked all the right boxes. He was/is very kind, caring, nice, considerate and loving.

Fast forward our marriage a few months in i found out he was cheating, it had been going on for our whole pre marriage relationship and even after. I'm not sure if he met anyone after but there were messages etc. At the time i was devasted and he was so apologetic and we worked on it but in that time i had a death in my family so i was all over the place.

I won't lie it took alot to get past, i was a mess, eratic and all over the place. However over the next 4 years I gained my independence started focusing on my career and i thought we went past it.

I won't lie i thought we had a great life, he was never sneaky or made me suspicious AT ALL.

We started to try for a baby and found we couldnt concieve naturally and we started IVF....we went through the whole process and it was very difficult....we finally got 11 embroyos but they are frozen because COVID hit and i needed to get a fibroid removed so this has been stalled until i get it removed.

A month after the IVF process i woke up one night and randomly checked his phone, I have not checked his phone in years, Why would i? i trusted him implicitily.

Turned out i found an app with women messaging and sending and recieivng graphic pictures. This was in April i think i may have been in shock due to the IVF after effects etc, with digging i found out he had been using the app the past 3 years!!! he is adamant he never met anyone and i went back to him.

I know now i had a delayed reaction with everything, in Aug this year he found an old phone in his car and i caught him with it but he threw it away before i could check.

I just went into auto pilot and i think my desperation need to want to be a mum took me back up until a couple weeks ago where my sisters stepped in and made me come and stay with them.

I have been with them since lockdown and i know writing this how it looks because if it was anyone else who was in my place i would have told them to leave!!

my question is anyone who has ever had this with anyone, what was your partner like? i feel like because he is 'Nice' (i know how can someone be nice?!) and it is completely out of character for him (like he has led 2 lives) i don't have any anger and with my anxiety it is making things so much worse because i have become passive instead of confronting and dealing with this.

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 06/11/2020 11:59

If I'd written this post and you read it, what would you advise me?

It's not great, is it?

I think you deserve better, and you've wasted more than enough time with this man. 💐

Original poster
Sanaa1988 · 06/11/2020 12:18

@Hopeisnotastrategy

If I'd written this post and you read it, what would you advise me?

It's not great, is it?

I think you deserve better, and you've wasted more than enough time with this man. 💐

Thanks Hope you are right, as i read it back it hit me on a different scale Sad
OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 06/11/2020 12:18

It’s not out of character tho is it ? He has been doing this for a long time. You need to accept who he is and realise he will never change. I wouldn’t want a baby with this man. He is getting up to all sorts now so imagine when you are tired and stressed out with a baby. He won’t be able to stay faithful to you no way. Get out now while you still have the advantage of not upsetting children. Stick with your family and get support from them. Stay strong and don’t go back. You will never have peace of mind while you are with him. Good luck

AllsortsofAwkward · 06/11/2020 12:21

Hes shown you who he is from the start op he will never change hes looking for opportunities Gain and had a second phone.

Original poster
Sanaa1988 · 06/11/2020 12:39

Thank you for your comments, i completely get it. I think over the years my anxiety has been horrible and it scares me having to go through things but i know i need to get the strength to deal with it. No matter how many promises and nice things he says it won't ever change anything. People can be loving and caring to their partners but also be shitty in other ways, they dont have to assholes. I need to start reminding myself this

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 06/11/2020 12:45

I was medicated for my anxiety and depression when I was married to someone who did this. I've been divorced a year. No medication needed. I don't drink, I go for walks and do yoga. I don't have that anxiety any more. You can have a better life than this. Good luck

feelingsomewhatlost · 06/11/2020 12:52

OP, I understand where you're coming from – you can't reconcile this lying, cheating man with the 'nice' husband you share a life with – even though he's been doing this for years. I'd recommend reading up on anxious attachment style and see if it resonates with you. You're stronger than you realise and you deserve a loyal, loving partner who isn't a sneaky POS.

Whysrumgone · 06/11/2020 12:56

He’s cheated on you the whole time you’ve been together. He’s never going to stop

Original poster
Sanaa1988 · 06/11/2020 12:59

@feelingsomewhatlost

OP, I understand where you're coming from – you can't reconcile this lying, cheating man with the 'nice' husband you share a life with – even though he's been doing this for years. I'd recommend reading up on anxious attachment style and see if it resonates with you. You're stronger than you realise and you deserve a loyal, loving partner who isn't a sneaky POS.
Thank you! i will read this up! i am desperate to address this and try and get through this, i'm just a bit lost.... thank you for your kind words
OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 06/11/2020 13:14

The man you thought you knew isn't that man. He's a cheat and a liar! He's always been a cheat and a liar, this is who he is, you just haven't found out until now.

If someone drank all the time but hid it, just because you didn't know or weren't aware doesn't take away front he fact that this person is an alcoholic, this is the same with your dh. He's a cheat and a liar. It's isn't out of character, the only difference is that you know.

You can do this alone, if you want to be a mum, you can do this on your own!

Original poster
Sanaa1988 · 06/11/2020 13:42

No you are completely right, i feel a bit embarassed because i am well aware how it comes across, i guess when it happened to me i became tunnel vision. I need to somehow find my own self worth and work through that. and motherhood... i just have to hope i will get that one day with the right person!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sanaa1988 · 06/11/2020 13:42

thank you so much for your kind words x

OP posts:
Lalaloveyou2020 · 07/11/2020 11:19

If you really want a baby and you've come this far you could continue with IVF with a plan to leave him once you get your BFP. It's not nice or honest, but neither is your husband. You'd have to properly plan it though, as in have accomodation and financial worked out. Leave him whilst pregnant and don't wait until after the baby as you'll loose the will. And he will also be in your life forever more, which is something to consider. Having said that you might be better off just working on your self esteem and leaving him; I know you want a baby but it's not healthy to want one merely to give you a sense of worth.

Whysrumgone · 07/11/2020 14:49

It’s not out of character for him, you just didn’t know about it. How old are you op? Of children are your goal then do you have time to start again with someone else? I’d be tempted to do what pp has said if you need to use those embryos, and I wouldn’t even feel guilty about it. He’s put you in this position

whoareyouIwonder · 07/11/2020 15:09

It's not out of character.
He isn't nice.

IJustWantSomeBees · 07/11/2020 15:23

I don't think it would be fair to bring a child into this. I don't say that to make you feel bad OP, but what child would want a father who is constantly occupied with cheating on their mother?

cakecakecheese · 07/11/2020 18:32

You will never be able to trust him. Think about how this will affect your relationship going forward. It's pretty much impossible to be happy with someone when you have no idea what they're getting up to.

TheNortherner · 07/11/2020 18:56

After a decade with someone, i found out they had effectively had two lives. I had no idea. It's like a death because the person you thought you knew and loved doesnt exist and actually you don't know who this person is. I couldn't reconcile it and divorced. In a way I wish I hadn't had children with him, because it means I still have to have contact with him. In general, I think i am doing ok but when he tries to change things it triggers massive anxiety because i think he is trying to manipulate me again as i can't trust him. I also cant move away and I would love to. Life is difficult, I wish you well in whatever you decide.

Whatabambam · 07/11/2020 20:37

But he's not nice and this isn't new behaviour. He has been untrustworthy from the very start of your relationship. You deserve sooooo much better and you will have babies with a man who truly loves you and is 'nice" in every single sense of the word

MushMonster · 07/11/2020 20:43

Take this chance and start your divorce proceedings now.
This is no way to live. He is not worth anything and he is making you miserable.
You deserve better. Thanks goodness you have your sister to help you through this.

SandyY2K · 08/11/2020 00:51

Your sisters are great.
Your H is a serial liar and you could get this marriage annulled as he had no intention to be faithful.

I'd want to erase him from my memory.

Onthemaintrunkline · 08/11/2020 01:54

You know inside what you need to do. You are seeking confirmation that what you know is right is in fact right. For what it’s worth you have my endorsement! Finish with with this lying, dishonest utterly untrustworthy man ASAP. He couldn’t lie straight in bed! How you could form any sort of trust with this person going forward heaven knows. Always, always you’d be checking up on him, doubting every word he uttered. That’s no way to live, I think after his vile behaviour you need/deserve a period of real peace in your life now, I hope you chose to go after it. Best wishes.

brokencrayons · 08/11/2020 02:06

Continue with your IVF. Then leave him when you get the BFP. He’s scum.

davekim · 08/11/2020 04:50

@brokencrayons

Continue with your IVF. Then leave him when you get the BFP. He’s scum.
This is the worst advice I have ever heard.

Please do not bring an innocent child into this world, with this person as a parent. That is just insanely irresponsible. You will be connected to him forever.

Walk away, completely free and start again.

Good luck.

Original poster
Sanaa1988 · 08/11/2020 10:19

Hi guys

Thanks for the messages. It's been a tough couple of days. I have had his parents call me and ask me to come back. I have come to a different city because my family live 2 hours away. It was a really tough call and because I have always been quiet and agreeable I broke down and tried to explain as much as I could. Because I never told anyone what was happening I think his family/people think this is something that has happened once and as now they know they feel like they have taken control and it won't happen again.

My anxiety in dealing with this has been awful I'm in constant feeling of knots and sickness.

I have also thought so long and hard about the IVF and I just cannot justify how I could bring a baby into this.

I need to figure out how to move forward it's really difficult but im trying to take each day as it comes.

Has anyone else been in this situation and how did it to?

OP posts:
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