In need of advice

[Terriblecreature]

I am really hoping you can all help as I feel so lost as to what to do.

So after many years of racking up debt in my own name, I have gotten to such a low point that I have ran up debt in my husbands name (£7500). To make it worse he found out via his credit report. I feel absolutely sick. Beyond sick with myself. And over the last few days I have taken steps to get my own situation with debt sorted and also been seeking counselling for the underlying reasons as to why I got in this mess.

Understandly, my husband decided to move to his parents house when he found out. He has been so beyond angry, which I deserve. To add to this we have a 20 month old LB and I am 23 weeks pregnant currently.
He has been so good to me given the circumstances. Letting me use the car that is in his name to take my little boy out and has let me stay in the house. This is in his name also as I couldn't get a mortgage. I did give half of the deposit money though and we have halfed the bills every month. Not that any of that really matters as I know I don't deserve it.

Him and his parents have made it very clear that they don't think I am doing anything to win him back. He feels like I don't love him and is beyond hurt.
Hearing this has made me feel even worse and I have buried myself into a hole and don't know what to do.
I love this man, I mean love him. I feel so wrapped up in my own feelings of guilt, worry, being ashamed of myself and just generally feeling sick at what I have done, that I am struggling to know what to do to prove this to him.

My head is telling me the only way he will know is via me doing something to sort the situation. But I guess he is looking for more than that.

I feel overwhelmed at the distruction I have caused on both my husband and my LB. Can any one help with a sound mind that can make me see this differently? Make me try and figure out what to do.

Oh and I am also prepared for the bashing for what I have done. I don't think anyone can make me feel any worse than what I already do about the situation

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP. I can hear the desperation in your words. I think if you can take control of the situation by contacting your creditors, working out payment plans, show to your husband that you are actively resolving the debt, then that will help both you and how he sees you. Step Change and Citizens Advice will be able to guide you.

I personally managed to get £17500 in debt six years ago trying to raise my two sons as a single parent. I've paid all that back now in managable repayments but only after seeking advice and not impersonating an ostrich. I'm now debt free and mortgage free.

My DSis's husband did to her what you did. They pulled together, worked out a way with getting extra jobs and also paid off their debts. It can be done.

I suspect your DH is just in shock at the moment. Take action to sort the debts, he'll see that and then hopefully you can move on and repair your relationship.

Wishing you all the best.

I think it depends on how the money was spent.
If you bought necessities then you may have over spent but with reason. If you have a shopping addiction this is a different matter and you need proper professional help. My ex sil once bought a table and chairs for the garden, in the garage was a brand new set which had never been unwrapped. This was normal for her.
In your dh's place I too would be furious but then I'm very cautious with money.
Get help, get financial advice and address the issues directly.
Take proof of your willingness to address this to your dh.

Thank you for replying.

I have been working with step change to get this sorted and they have advised sequestration, which is bankruptcy in Scotland. I am in the process of gathering all of the evidence they need and sending off the appropriate paperwork.

I have also spoken with a counsellor but they have advised I need to get help with addiction and I need long term counselling. I have other issues from my childhood which need to be addressed however, I know I can't blame these for the mess I am in now.

A bit more background, my entire adult life I have been awful with money in the sense that I would just buy things without seeing any consequences. My husband knew I had issues with debt of my own but he never dreamed I would ever of gotten debt in his name and now I have done it neither can I.

I just feel like the steps I have taken so far are not enough. What do I do to prove to him how much I love him and how sorry I am?

It's sounds so awful and selfish but I am so wrapped up in my own misery from this that no one thinks I have done enough to try and win my husband back.

I just hope I will get another chance with my husband but now my fear is that I could never make him happy as he could never trust me.

Is it kinder to let my husband move on knowing he will be happier with someone else? He has said he loves me but hasn't given anything away about whether or not he sees a future with me.

As PP mentioned, if spending was just for the sake of spending rather than buying necessities (which is how I got into debt), are you able to look at what you've purchased and sell what you don't need on ebay or Facebook?

Just keep demonstrating to your DH that you are doing all you can to fix this, give him space and time. Don't hassle him, just prove your intention to sort this out by your actions.

It was for the sake of spending and I don't have much to show for it. It wasn't spent on anything extravagent. An example would be going into asda for bread and milk and spending £50 on stuff that was not needed.

I am just feeling like in this situation I am never going to win him back. I need to fully accept that he might not want to be with me but its beyond crushing me and I feel suffocated with it all.

Because of the stuff that's went on in my childhood I can't really go to my parents as we don't really speak. They also don't like my husband, another story which I can't get over as my husband is such a nice person.

I feel alone and riddled with guilt. And desperate for him to talk to me face to face.

I desperately want to change my life, as I don't want to life like this anymore. I am sick with it all.

Either way if you stay with your husband or not you need to sort out your debt.

So take steps to do that. Tell your husband you will clear the debt in his name regardless.

Show him and his family that you are learning from this. You have a young child and you are pregnant, you say in your OP, my son, his car, the house. Your pronouns are quite telling. It should be your children, your house, the car.

You instantly say "let him meet someone else" he probably isn't even thinking that. He"s likely feeling hurt his wife and mother of his child(ren) was financially sneeky and couldn't just talk to him beforehand.

So breathe, take it easy, work out a repayment plan and perhaps look online for CBT therapy course to change your future relationship with money.

Ok this might sound harsh and I don’t mean it to be as I was shit with money years ago so I get how you’re feeling but, if you want to get your dh back and your life on track you seriously have to stop wallowing and ditch the pity party for one.

Accept what’s happened and that you can’t turn back time and instead focus on practical things to fix it.

It sounds like you’re already doing the right things but have it all drawn up, a plan of the next 12 months/2/3/4 years however long, so you can show what you will be able to repay, what courses you can do, books you can read etc to learn about money management and what addiction problems you have.

When you speak to your dh remove the emotion out of it and make sure you come across as strong and in control of the situation. Even if you don’t feel it to begin with you have to show him you are serious about fixing this then he will start to have faith in you.

You can do this, just think about where you want to be in a few years and what life you want for your children. Let that be your motivation.

Thank you all for your replies, they mean more than you think.

Every morning I wake up with the intention of trying to not feel sorry for myself but the second I have a minute to myself or when DS goes to bed the thoughts consume me. I am struggling to think practically and the guilt over takes me.

I don't think he will ever know how sorry I truly am. I also wonder if our relationship can even get through this. Once the trust is gone. Has anyone over come this?

I have already made clear my intentions to sort out the mess. I have applied for bankruptcy for my debt and I will be paying back every single penny of the debt racked up in his name. And i honestly within myself am adament to do that. I can't hurt him anymore.

Today I have chased up my counselling referral as I feel like kick starting that might let me get all the emotion out there and then concentrate on trying to fix the relationship.

I just hope everything I do is good enough and if its not I know I only have myself to blame and ultimately deserve that.

Just need to try and be strong for myself and for the kids now and fix it.