Opposite sex friendships

[tellmeyourdreams]

Regular poster but name changed for this as quite personal.

Those of you with a best friend of the opposite sex (or an experience related to this), can you share with me how you distinguish the connection between your partner/spouse and your best friend?

For context, my bf has a female best friend. They are very close, talk multiple times a day, see each other a few times a week, share everything about their lives. They have known each other for 6 years. She has a LTR, and he is also friends with her partner. I haven't met her yet (I used to live quite a distance away but only recently moved back, and now we are in lockdown).

It never bothered me initially as I have lots of male friends, have dated men with female friends etc and do believe men and women can be friends. However, I have never encountered a friendship of this intensity. It makes me question what is the difference between our relationship and their friendship because other than the physical, there's nothing we share that they don't. I did once ask him if there's anything he tells me that he doesn't tell her - and he said, no.

He has tried to re-assure me by saying he is attracted to me, not attracted to her, that he and I have more in common, and feels a different kind of excitement about me. And that she has a partner who he likes a lot so would never go there. But to me a relationship is as much about the emotional intimacy as the physical, and I am struggling that there is another woman who gets this much of his time and attention. For e.g. he tries to split his time equally between us both so I don't really see him as much as I'd like. Or she will message him (silly stuff) late at night even when she knows he is with me (and I only see him 1-2 times a week).

He is a great guy and I do love him. Our relationship is fine otherwise, but I am struggling with this, because at what point do the lines blur from friendship to relationship (even without the physical). What are the boundaries needed? Can you please give me advice or tell me your stories on how I can best deal with this. I do not want him to feel guilty about his friendship but at the same time it's making me feel insecure about my role in his life.

How do you distinguish between the connection you have with your DP and your close friends? You probably couldn’t describe it, except to say that you aren’t sexually attracted to each other and “it’s just different.” Their sex or genitals really doesn’t come into it. I don’t think of my best friend Scott as “my best friend Scott who is a man”; he’s just Scott! My best friend! Neither of us would compare the connection we have to the one we have with a partner, it’s no way similar at all, however often we see each other or whatever we do together.

But I don’t think dozens of stories from people with perfectly platonic friends of the opposite sex is going to reassure you. For whatever reason - maybe rightly, maybe totally wrongly - you don’t like your DP’s friendship, and since it would be utterly wrong to make him choose, you have to decide whether it’s time for you to move on.

I haven’t answered all of your questions, but “boundaries” just sounds like a strange term. If people are genuinely friends, that’s the boundary in itself, they have already made the boundary themselves. You either need to trust him, or not trust him. I don’t think him putting up “boundaries” that you want him to is going to make you feel better - surely you’ll just continue to think that he secretly wants to be with her and only put boundaries in place because you made him?

Possibly also worth mentioning that I’m bisexual, so if DP was worried or jealous of me having best friends who I could possibly be sexually attracted to, my friendship potentials would be pretty thin on the ground. I suppose that’s the main position I come from on things like this.

I've had platonic friendships and can totally distinguish how I feel about them compared to how I feel about a romantic partner. I just literally don't see them in that way. However.... Its usually ended up with them declaring feelings. I was horrified on these occasions and a bit repulsed actually. It'd be like my brother declaring feelings for me or my female best friends. Not something I'd expected. I do find that in platonic friendships (only in my experience) it leads to either party blurring the lines. Of course its not always the case I'm assured. My DH works with mostly women and as such has lots of Facebook contact etc with women. I'm not jealous as I know it's only because they're who he's mixing with. I've come to be used to it. But there's not any intensity to the friendships particularly. Just texting and friendly exchanges. Not much intimacy to it. I think id feel a bit differently if he was talking about all his life problems with another woman though. I feel for you but realistically you can't make him choose between you and his friend. It's a cheesy clichéd suggestion but you're probably best to get to know her yourself and get your partner to introduce you and get to know her...

@ComtesseDeSpair That's a very valid point you make that if this were a man or he was bisexual, it may not bother me as much. I'm aware it's my issue rather than his which is why I would never put boundaries in place or stop him seeing her.

It was more, being worried that she might be the first person he shares news with, or values her opinion more than mine etc. Or if we were both having a bad day and needed his time, he might not be able to fully focus me as he'd be worried about upsetting her. I think I feel a bit like an interloper in his life as because I was away with work for a while, and am quite different in background/lifestyle to him, whereas she and he are much more alike, I worry he will always feel more comfortable with her than me.

Again, my own insecurities, but I want to be ok with it. Good guys aren't easy to find and so I don't want to lose him over this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4044885-Bf-too-dependent-on-friend

Have a read here, I don’t think your reading too much into it and neither did the op on this thread about her DP. There needs to be a line with friendships I think regardless of the sex of them.

@Sweetchillichicken yes, I had read that thread and it has played on my mind since.

The difference is my bf did have a long term relationship before me (but they lived abroad so this was never an issue) and he has always been very honest about his friendship with her. In fact, I don't think they discuss me very much at all, which I don't like that much either, and hence me feeling like an interloper. I don't think they will ever cheat or anything like that, but I selfishly want to be the most important woman to him. And atm he prioritises her and me equally.

I'd expect to be number 1 in a loving, romantic, committed relationship and with that, I'd expect there to be some level of confidentiality between us. There's a difference between your partner / boyfriend having a good friend and him apportioning his time equally between his romantic partner and a friend so as not to upset the friend. Fuck that for a larf!

I never be with a man who had a close female friend. If a man would pick another woman over you, it's game over.

Some women are ok with it though. It depends on your boundaries.

I don’t care what sex my DHs close friends are, so it’s not the fact that his best friend is a woman that worries me about your situation.

What worries me is where you’re saying he spends equal time with you both and there is nothing he tells you that he won’t also tell her. That would trouble me regardless of whether my partners best friend is a man or a woman.

Like you that wouldn’t bother me when the relationship is new, but I would expect that as our relationship deepened that there would be some confidences he would share with me, but not with the best friend. I’d also expect more time on average spent with me, than with the best friend.

So, perhaps that is the issue at core. You’re feeling like a best friend with sex and not a full partner.

For e.g. he tries to split his time equally between us both so I don't really see him as much as I'd like

This is weird,inappropriate and not normal in any way. He is treating her like another partner and therefore I would assume that she was.

This is some weird triangulation that you've got caught up in. Read about triangulation and decide whether you want to be with someone who's so unhealthy.

I have a best friend. He is male.

We text all the time. We make each other laugh. We are so similar he’s like the male version of me.

I absolutely love the bones of him and I’d do anything for him.

But I don’t fancy him sexually.

I don’t do anything inappropriate. I’m open about my friendship with him. My boyfriend knows about him, and has met him. I wouldn’t have an issue showing my boyfriend every single message I’ve ever sent my friend.

If a hypothetical boyfriend had a problem with my mate being male, the boyfriend would have to go.

It seems like he is using her (and maybe her him) as some sort of emotional crutch, which suggests emotional immaturity. Is he quite young, as I can't imagine wanting to speak several times a day and share everything with a friend (male or female)? I would also be very uncomfortable with him feeling the need to tell a friend everything. Again, it suggests poor boundaries. How can you share emotional intimacy with a BF, if you expect everything you say to be repeated to a third person.

On here, it is perfectly fine for someone to have a best mate of the opposite sex.

IRL, he has a best friend who is of the opposite sex, who you have never met, who he seems to spend more time on/with than you.

The best thing would be for you to meet his best friend. Then you can see what they are like together.

if its just about the sexual attraction, then I guess yuouve just got to hope you remain sexually attracted to each other and have no dry spells.

I honestly wouldnt like this. I have had best friend of the opposite sex when I was a lot younger, and the main difference was that I didnt fancy him, but actually he did fancy me and I think I was a bit mean in hindsight.
Ive had plenty of platonic male friends but not best friends as the boundaries would be too blurred. I think your boyfriends friendship would do my head in and make me feel insecure. I am way past the stage of life where I can be bothered to have relationships that make me feel that way.

I have had best friend of the opposite sex ... and the main difference was that I didnt fancy him, but actually he did fancy me...

A male friend and I both agree that this is what is going on in male-female 'best mate' friendships. MN completely disagrees.

What separates them is romantic chemistry and sexual attraction. A special something that is hard to put your finger o.

I have had a male best friend for 15 years. I think we did fancy each other a bit at different times as teenagers but not anymore. He is actually very attractive in many ways but we dont have that spark. I get on well with his girlfriend.

What you describe here would be unacceptable to me though. My ex cheated on me. Before this he had several female friends he would talk to and confide in multiple times per day. I considered it emotional infidelity - not everyone does.

I had a LTR and a male best friend a long time ago and I felt very platonic to my best friend. I enjoyed his company, but didn’t fancy him or feel anything sexual towards him.
This lasted about 4 years until he told me that he loved me and that was the end of that. We never really saw each other again, his choice.
So I’m not sure to be honest.

My best friend is male. My late husband was entirely unthreatened by him because he understood that there was nothing more to the relationship, and having met him it was patently clear to him that my friend wasn't my 'type' in any way.

I've been widowed for some years now. My best friend is still my best friend despite us both being single. Neither of us has ever made a move on the other. In my mind it'd almost be incest. The idea makes me go ew.

I don't know whether the same applies to your DH's friend, but despite some people here thinking such a relationship is impossible, my friendship says otherwise.

This would be too close for me. He speaks to her multiple times a day? They share texts before going to bed? Nope. No thank you. There are some very blurred boundaries here. You want him to be psychologically with you, not her. You probably feel like you are in a relationship with two people, not one.

Women often make the big mistake of assuming that because they are capable of being friends, or being besties with men, then those men felt platonic about them as well. 'But I have a male best friend!' they say. Well yes, maybe they do, and maybe they feel platonic towards them, but it doesn't mean he feels quite as platonic. Other women insist that friendships can be purely platonic because they don't want to even think that their own partners' friendships could be anything other than innocent.

I've noticed that a lot of men have a more utilitarian view of women - females are relatives or mating potential. Unless a man finds a woman seriously unattractive, or there's a big age gap, he is secretly hoping on some level that one day there will be something between them. They hope there will be a relationship, or at least a chance for friends with benefits.

@DBML

I had a LTR and a male best friend a long time ago and I felt very platonic to my best friend. I enjoyed his company, but didn’t fancy him or feel anything sexual towards him. This lasted about 4 years until he told me that he loved me and that was the end of that. We never really saw each other again, his choice. So I’m not sure to be honest.

Case in point ☝️

[quote tellmeyourdreams]@Sweetchillichicken yes, I had read that thread and it has played on my mind since.

The difference is my bf did have a long term relationship before me (but they lived abroad so this was never an issue) and he has always been very honest about his friendship with her. In fact, I don't think they discuss me very much at all, which I don't like that much either, and hence me feeling like an interloper. I don't think they will ever cheat or anything like that, but I selfishly want to be the most important woman to him. And atm he prioritises her and me equally.[/quote]
'I selfishly want to be the most important woman to him'

Well yeah.....you're supposed to be romantic partner. It's understandable!

When very strong friendships are involved I don't think it's helpful to try and put people in a pecking order and want to be number 1. Strong friendships are like family bonds and to be honest often outlast relationships because they don't come with all the crap that relationships might bring. My DH accepts my strong friendships with other men (not loads but a couple) to the point where we even holiday together as part of a bigger group and my DH isn't there. He totally accepts they are like brothers but he has met them, maybe that makes a difference. My DH isn't always the first person I share news with either, this is often family. As I'm writing I'm beginning to think my marriage isn't normal and my DH is a Saint 😂😂

“What worries me is where you’re saying he spends equal time with you both and there is nothing he tells you that he won’t also tell her. That would trouble me regardless of whether my partners best friend is a man or a woman.”

This. And the amount of contact between them seems a bit excessive.