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Original poster

Should I bother?

27 replies

foreverlonely · 06/11/2020 01:41

I've been chatting to a guy from Hinge for about a week now and we have arranged a walk on Sunday. Everything was going well until he told me he hasn't been in a serious relationship for 5/6 years, that he has ended relationships when they have been going well (fear of getting hurt) and that he tends to have dalliances that last 5/6 months and fizzle out.

Are these all red flags? I don't really want to waste my time with someone who is afraid of commitment as I my ex was a total commitment-phobe and the relationship broke me.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 06/11/2020 01:43

He has sort of told you what to expect tbh.

You could meet, but not emotionally invest?

FortunesFave · 06/11/2020 01:43

Red flag. He's just letting you know that he's not looking for a relationship.

Original poster
foreverlonely · 06/11/2020 01:49

@chickenyhead @FortunesFave I asked him what he was looking for before this conversation and he said a relationship. His comments came as we were talking about attachment styles and I mentioned how avoidant people fear intimacy and can sabotage relationships when they are going well...

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Titsinknicks · 06/11/2020 01:50

Pretty intense first date chat!

Original poster
foreverlonely · 06/11/2020 01:51

@Titsinknicks

Pretty intense first date chat!
we've been messaging a lot, probably because we're both WFH and bored
OP posts:
Groovinpeanut · 06/11/2020 01:52

This rings a bell.
Another member met a guy from Hinge and went for a walk on a Sunday.
I hope you've not got the same guy.
I don't know how to highlight other threads, but all I will say in answer to your question is if it feels like it's not for you, don't persue it.

Titsinknicks · 06/11/2020 01:54

Well he's been honest. A red flag is something you interpret - a clue to something. He's been upfront.

Do you mean is it a red flag he told you? I'd say no. Unless you think he's lying about the fact he struggles with long term relationships and why would he bother doing that?

Monty27 · 06/11/2020 01:54

A stunning friend of mine gets this line from hinge men repeatedly

nc1962 · 06/11/2020 01:56

I'd run an absolute mile if I were you OP

Original poster
foreverlonely · 06/11/2020 02:20

Ughhh it's so hard. We seem to get on so well over whatsapp, I thought I could be onto something good here. I don't know how I will ever meet anyone who isn't afraid of relationships or commitment.

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iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 06/11/2020 03:02

Ending relationships for fear of getting hurt is bollocks. It means he will treat you like shit at some point along the line because he's 'falling for you and it scared him.' Seen it a million times on here. Then he'll meet someone else within a week. At least he's being honest upfront I guess.

Original poster
foreverlonely · 06/11/2020 03:35

@iftherewereahorseyinthehouse

Ending relationships for fear of getting hurt is bollocks. It means he will treat you like shit at some point along the line because he's 'falling for you and it scared him.' Seen it a million times on here. Then he'll meet someone else within a week. At least he's being honest upfront I guess.
I don't believe that to be true - if you read about attachment theory you will see that avoidants end things prematurely because they don't want to get hurt. It's very common and they often stay single or just have a series of short relationships.
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litterbird · 06/11/2020 05:30

Try not to get caught up in psychology of relationships.....they are complicated enough without compartmentalising a new beau! He is just telling you how it is with him. Its only a red flag if thats not what you are looking for. He has told you how it is...its up to you if you want to continue with someone who tends to fizzle out on relationships after 5/6 months. Please don't make this a mission to "fix" him and pretend you might be the one who he will commit to for good as you will be hurt and disappointed with him. He probably would really like to commit to a relationship (don't we all?) but right now he is unable to and just enjoys the short term ness of dating apps that might suit him right now. I wouldn't take this further as it is already causing you grief.

Original poster
foreverlonely · 06/11/2020 06:18

@litterbird

Try not to get caught up in psychology of relationships.....they are complicated enough without compartmentalising a new beau! He is just telling you how it is with him. Its only a red flag if thats not what you are looking for. He has told you how it is...its up to you if you want to continue with someone who tends to fizzle out on relationships after 5/6 months. Please don't make this a mission to "fix" him and pretend you might be the one who he will commit to for good as you will be hurt and disappointed with him. He probably would really like to commit to a relationship (don't we all?) but right now he is unable to and just enjoys the short term ness of dating apps that might suit him right now. I wouldn't take this further as it is already causing you grief.
You're right. Thank you for the perspective.

Online dating is so hard. I really wonder how anyone is able to get into a relationship these days!

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Nicolastuffedone · 06/11/2020 07:35

Thank God I’m many years past dating! We just went out with someone and had a laugh! Attachment styles and exclusive chats hadn’t been invented!

flowersrain1 · 06/11/2020 07:38

@Nicolastuffedone I’m glad it worked out for you but it’s not that simple for everyone

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/11/2020 07:39

Has he done any work on himself to mitigate his attachment style? He's aware of it, says it's not what he wants anymore, so what's he actually done to try and stop it happening again?

Has done something - I'd take the chance.

Has done nothing - I'd take it as a clear warning that in 5 months time he's going to run while saying "but I told you what I was like, what did you expect?"

CodenameVillanelle · 06/11/2020 07:42

Of course avoidant attachment is real but you're right to be wary.

IveGotFrills · 06/11/2020 08:18

@foreverlonely

Ughhh it's so hard. We seem to get on so well over whatsapp, I thought I could be onto something good here. I don't know how I will ever meet anyone who isn't afraid of relationships or commitment.
Think of it this way OP, before the internet people would meet and know absolutely nothing about one another so would take a punt. You are getting to know a version of him that he's writing. There's lots of issues with that - it might be false, or it might be your interpretation of what he means. Messaging means you're over-investing.

Just meet him and see if you like him. If you do, meet him again and start to have these conversations then. You're putting the cart before the horse and looking at the end of the relationship before it's even begun. If he likes you and then loves you then his attachment style may change.

lugzy083 · 06/11/2020 09:17

Haha that was me @Groovinpeanut how strange would that be!!!

I think it’s good he’s been upfront with you but it may be his way of cutting the idea of a relationship already. If it’s causing you grief before you’ve even met up it’s probably not a great sign. Maybe no harm in meeting up and see how the walk goes though (if it’s not the same guy 😉)

Alys20 · 06/11/2020 11:39

OP maybe change your username because it's a self - fulfilling prophecy. If you don't believe you can have a happy relationship, you'll never have one and keep attracting these types.

Groovinpeanut · 06/11/2020 11:41

Lugsy083... Sometimes these strange things happen. Shock
I'm just so pleased to see you've decided to move onwards and upwards xx

SpongeWorthy · 06/11/2020 12:10

OP be wary of speaking to people so in depth about relationship styles / attachment theory etc before you even meet up.

It's so intense and also means you both go into it with specific expectations and a sort of heavy subtext about each other.

It's not natural and IMO leads to drama and big talks at a time you should be just getting to know each other gradually with no stress or drama.

Otherwise you start ruminating over someone like this when you might not even fancy each other or get on in person.

Original poster
foreverlonely · 08/11/2020 00:39

@IveGotFrills @SpongeWorthy thank you, you are both right of course. I was just so badly damaged by my ex - he said all the right things but when push came to shove he couldn't make room for me in his life - that I am on high alert because I never want to give myself to a relationship like that again only to find that the guy has no capacity for a truly meaningful relationship

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Original poster
foreverlonely · 08/11/2020 00:40

oops pressed send too early, meant to add 'and a future together'

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