Is he being oversensitive or am I cold?

[SmashingTurnips]

Don't know what to think.

Been married for 20 years. Lots of ups and downs. Things not great at the moment. I'm perimenopausal and struggling with it. Things I used to put up with in my DH now seem to really get on my nerves.

I worked from home today and went out for a run at about 6pm. Came back and DH's car was in the drive but he wasn't in the house. I assumed he'd gone for a run or walk. DD2 was home and doing homework.

I left the house again to pick up DD1 from bus stop. Passed DH in the drive and we said hello and I asked if he'd had a good run.

In the car DD1 asked if we could go to the shop for something. I didn't have my purse so stopped by the house to get it. DD2 decided to come to the shop too. We left and I didn't say anything to DH because I thought he was in the shower.
As we were getting onto the car he appeared on the driveway looking a bit put out.
I said we're just nipping to the shop do you want to come / need anything.

He went back into the house obviously put out.

We got back from the shop (15 mins max) and I continued getting dinner ready (I had left it in the middle of things to go to the bus stop / shop).

Everyone was upstairs.

After about 30 - 40 mins when dinner was ready I went up to see if they were ready for it.

DH was lying on the dark on our bed. He was upset with me and said that he was incredulous that I hadn't come up before and that I was cold and uncaring.

I was annoyed and wasn't really having that and said I was cooking tea for goodness sake. Why would I go upstairs to check on a grown man.

He didn't come down for dinner and said that he thinks our relationship is in a bad way.

I think he is probably right about our relationship but I felt totally suffocated by his behaviour.

I ate dinner with the children. He came down once they were in bed and sat sighing on his computer in the kitchen. I sat staring into space for a while in the living room and then left in the car to just get away and breathe. I told him what I was doing so that he wouldn't worry.

Don't really know what I'm asking on this thread but just needed to get it out.

Thanks for reading and commenting anyone.

Just to add - he usually comes home quite a bit later so I'm used to just doing my thing with the DC in the early evening.

Well, it’s sounds like you irritate him as much as he irritates you. It’s not nice to realise everyone is going to the shop and no one said anything or asked if you want to go or need anything. That’s probably what he was referring to, and I guess he expected some sort of apology when you returned. But you just came back and got on with the routine like he still wasn’t there.

Then he’s sulking in the bedroom, refusing to eat with the family and making big sighs around the house. Of course you feel suffocated and irritated. He’s making a drama out of a very small honest mistake.

It’s all so minor and petty but these little irritations piling up can kill a relationship like a death from a thousand cuts. I think you two have both realised the relationship isn’t good, but do either of you want to do anything about it? That’s the real question. Going through the motions and continuing to irritate each other will just make things worse. You both need to take a breath and have a long heart to heart talk about turning things around and just speaking up about what irritates you and him and seeing what you can both do to make living together enjoyable again.

Thanks for replying PlanDeRaccordement. Everything you say is right.

I think I feel a bit worn down and I don't know where to find the energy to follow your good advice.

I would normally have said I was going to the shop but I really thought he was in the shower and I had just nipped back to get my purse.

I think I've run out of love. No doubt as you say due to a death by a thousand cuts type process.

Don't know what to do.

He's being a ridiculous baby.

Why would I go upstairs to check on a grown man.

Because of this:

He went back into the house obviously put out.

You two need to be tender with each other and take care of your problems sooner, rather than later. You can still pull this back from the brink.

I'm torn AfterSchoolWorry.
I felt annoyed and like he was being a baby but at the same time I know that part of his reaction is probably about feeling a bit unloved in general by me.

Whilst I am feeling a bit unloving because I feel worn down by him.

It's become a bit of a mess.

I know you are right PixelatedLunchbox.

I probably should have checked on him. With hindsight I think I probably didn't partly because I couldn't face it.

He was definitely being a baby! It was all to get your attention. And he just kept escalating it the whole evening until it was either face him or go for a drive. I get it you felt cornered and needed an escape.

But at same time, instead of sulking, not coming down for dinner and making drama llama sighs, he could hours ago have come down when you were making tea and simply said “hey that wasnt nice when you left to the shops totally ignoring me, what happened?” To give you a chance to explain you honestly thought he was in shower. So he can then go “Oh, thats ok then” and you two just have a normal evening with no bad air/tension.

I agree with pp, you both need to be tender with each other but also you both need to speak up when initially irritated. Because I am hoping most of the time the initial irritant is not on purpose. You’re both trapped in a cycle of not saying anything and are just putting the other on ignore and avoid. Don’t be afraid to have those conversations. If there’s any love left, he will be willing to adjust behaviour to not irritate you.

Things that were ok, become irritating later and that is ok too to ask for change. For example, my DH has called me “mamma” ever since we had the DCs. Oh, for at least 25yrs now. But now three of four are adults and our youngest is 16. I recently started to find this very irritating because it just seems ridiculous at my age with mostly adult children to be called “mamma”. So I asked him, can you please try and start calling me Plan again? We are practically done being mamma and papa, it doesn’t seem right.... So DH is struggling to remember to do this, but I’ve told him and he is visibly trying. And I’m glad I said something instead of letting it fester. This is just one example, trust me we’ve had chats about a long list of things that irritate each other and we say we are “works in progress” because the objective is to grow and change together instead of apart.

I agree with you and in your example of a name DH would listen and try not to do it I think.

However with lots of things he's defensive and then picks at me rather than making an effort to change. And I'm not sure what to do about that.

For example he started being really bad for talking with his mouth full a few years ago. Don't know why, he didn't really before and he doesn't like it when others do it. We have tried to bring the DC up with good table manners.

If I or the DC mentioned him speaking with his mouth full he would defensively claim that we do too (particularly me) when we really hardly ever do other than those occasions when you've just popped something in your mouth and someone asks you a question as they are heading out the room or something and you try to politely answer them without being too gross.

DH meanwhile sits and holds forth at the table (he talks a lot and is a bit opinionated) with his mouth full for a lot of the time.

I sit and feel irritated because it's hard sometimes to get a word in edgeways, plus his mouth is full, plus he will gleefully tell you if you speak with your mouth full once to his million.

So I've given up on that other than sometimes pointedly saying "pardon?" when he asks me a question right after putting a big forkful of food in his mouth.

It is a really minor and petty thing but now it is eating away at me.

There's other stuff like this. It seems I can't say anything to him about an annoying habit he has if it is something I've done once or twice in my life.

I don't know what to do.

I think you need to find a way to talk now because you’ll become entrenched in your position and it’ll be very hard to go back. Similar situation with my Dh I work and take care of my our children with disabilities and when I’ve reached out for help I’m criticised. It doesn’t make you want to be especially caring when your needs aren’t met.

Do you want to save the relationship?

DD1 has just come upstairs and told me that DH told her off a bit for not saying good night last night.

He's a real stickler for these sorts of things / manners.

But he was lying on our bed in the dark sulking when the children went to bed. And they knew that we were cross with each other.

I now will struggle to be nice to him this morning.

We're both supposed to be working from home but I don't think I can face it.

Do you want to save the relationship?

Yes I do. He has good points and I'm far from perfect too.

I'm a bit out of loving and a bit out of ideas for ways forward though.

I guess we need counselling to help us.

If you are both working from home could you arrange to go for a walk, say at lunchtime, or sit together and have a cuppa today and talk it over in a calm way?

He sounds like very hard work. I cant imagine why he was so upset you did a quick run to the shop tbh. What's the big deal there? Not as if you left him and went out for a fun evening is it. However following that, as pp said upthread, if he had just spoken to you when you got in and said he felt a bit left out it could all of been sorted there and then. Sulking in the dark is beyond pathetic. I dont think I could tolerate that level of twattery.

There' a lot of tension that's built up. He could be acting like a baby yes, but there could be years of unresolved issues here as well.

Why isn't he communicating? Why is he going to the bed like this? Is it resignation? Sounds a bit like he's trying to make a point though. Is this the only way he thinks he can get through to you, or is that he's unwilling or rubbish at communicating?

Your kids are at that age when they take up a lot of your time . In my experience this is when men tend to go off the boil . There's not the "fun" that there was when you were new parents . There's no reward from demanding teens . Men - and women - need attention away from the children and neither of you seem to be getting/giving this . His reaction is this and it can be the start of a slippy slope.

He does sound like hard work and telling off your daughter for not saying goodnight is quite odd I think in that context. It sounds like he was expecting her to also go and check on him. Combined with the post about him holding forth at the dinner table it seems to me you have a husband who wants to very much be the ‘head of the household’ emotionally. Does it seem that way to you?

Thanks for your replies everyone. I'm reading and thinking. I'm working so not able to reply properly just now.

I had something like the "mouth full" experience with my ex. He gradually stopped making any kind of effort at home - for example, if I cooked, he'd take ages to come to the table, come to the table in his vest and pants, not join in conversation, and put his head right down to his plate to eat, shovelling the food up with the sauce dripping out. Basically not having any manners. But if you say anything about it, it makes you look like a nag, or just picky or nasty. In retrospect I would guess that he just couldn't be bothered, and wasn't feeling very respectful. He'd been chatting up other women on work trips and had probably used up his supply of good manners with them.

Sulking when you don't ask what he wants from the shops?
My ex decided that I was horrible to him, so when I did anything that could be construed that way, even if it was a bit of a stretch, he was immediately aggrieved. His narrative that I was nasty to him came from the excuses he was giving these women for why a married man was chatting them up.

These same effects can also occur if the man has simply Checked Out of the Marriage, as MN calls it. But if it's a relatively fast change of attitude you could also consider whether he's mentioned anyone new at work recently.

If he's feeling a bit unloved and you are feeling suffocated, it could be that the balance has gone recently. Has there been any change to your (or his) "status" in the relationship - like a promotion, job loss, someone getting very fit or gaining weight etc? You could read The Passion Trap by Dean C Delis, it's handy for any relationship and definitely if you feel you've lost your usual level of happiness

SilverRoe what you said about "head of the house emotionally" really struck a chord with me.
He is quite "my way or the highway" and isn't great at seeing things from other people's point of view or really imagining that his perspective is only that, his perspective, his opinion.

And yes VivaMiltonKeynes our DC are teenagers (girls) and they need time and understanding. He tends to be quite judgemental in the way he talks to them and I know they often feel reproached.

It sometimes feels like we aren't meeting his high standards and he nags us about stuff that is obviously very important for him but it isn't very important to us.

And then he feels hurt and rejected when we aren't always jumping for joy when he's around.

But generally when I try to talk about these things he is very sensitive and it's difficult to have a sensible adult discussion. It's wearing to be with someone who has high standards for everyone else but behaves a bit crapply themselves quite a lot.

ravenmum - I don't think he has checked out of the marriage. And I don't think there is anyone else. He came very very close to an emotional affair a couple of years ago and we tried to sort a lot of things out then.

I'm sure he feels a bit unloved by me. And I certainly don't feel like I love him as much as I used to because he is hard work and takes up quite a lot of space IYKWIM.

It all just makes me feel tired and like I want to be left alone and then he feels unloved. Bit of a vicious circle.

Thanks for the book recommendation firesong. I will look it up.

I don't think there are any big changes happening in our family life.

I think the change is me. I'm 47 and perimenopausal which is making me irritable sometimes and that is my problem.

But I think it is also making me sick and tired of a lot of masculine bullshit that I frankly can't be arsed with anymore.

(when I say masculine bullshit I mean stuff like being quite opinionated and domineering in a way that is to my mind quite masculine behaviour in society. Whilst the women folk adapt and flex and make allowances and do a lot of emotional heavy lifting).

XiCi - I am struggling with what you call "that level of twattery".

But I'm guessing it's as another poster said - he feels like he's not getting through to me.

Whilst I feel like a spend quite a lot of my time being accommodating and biting my tongue.

XiCi - I am struggling with what you call "that level of twattery"
A grown man sulking, lying in a dark room waiting for you to come and give him some attention is truly pathetic. I just couldnt be with someone that was so needy, someone playing silly mind games. That's what I mean. If my DH is upset over something I've done he just tells me and vice versa. It sounds like you have got used to tippy toeing around him and now you are showing less tolerance for this childish behaviour he is pushing back harder. Btw sulking in bed waiting for you to soothe him sounds as far from domineering masculinity as you can get. Manipulative though.