Partner falls asleep too early

[dandydandelions]

So im nearly 20, I have been in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. We have both had scars from past relationships and so its taken us a while to settle almost. We both work full time and recently I've noticed we don't actually talk like we used to which would be about any and everything, we're tired from work. He goes to bed at ridiculously early for me and when I mention it it's always "I am at work before you're even awake" or " I carry heavy things up and down stairs all day, you try doing that" I work as a dispenser for a pharmacy and I work 40 hours a week dispensing meds to those who need it, while yes im not carrying bed frames around or having to climb stairs, I am running around like a headless chicken labelling, popping, printing, picking stock etc. I don't sit down for 8 hours. Recently it doesn't feel like a relationship it feels like we're together and then we don't talk until we see each other. I've tried mentioning this to him and he just goes "we work" or "its a working life" like I don't know. Please note ive been working since the age of 12 so this aint like I not got a clue and he knows this. Just want to know people's opinions, right now I don't feel good im fed up of him falling asleep at 8pm and then we don't talk cos we're at work. Makes me feel shitty. i just want someone to talk to that don't know me or him and will help. Please help.

You're not compatible I'm afraid. Move on.

How old is he? Is he around your age?

What time does he start work?

If he starts really early, then maybe it makes sense, but otherwise I'd think there's something wrong with him. But I wouldn't necessarily stick around to find out what.

You're young to be sitting on your own every night and not living life. As much as you can in Covid.

Whatever we think as this bothers you enough to write on here then it's really not worth settling for. Find someone who is more 'like you'. You are very young and relationships should still be fun.

How old is your dp? How many hours a day does he work? What time does he get up?

If he's under 35 and working less than 10 hours a day, then I'd be checking calories & fitness, maybe getting a check at the GP. 8pm is very early.

I think it’s important for you both to realise how hard you are both working and he is up very early in a physical job it’s normal for him to need an early night. That said it’s also important for you to spend time together at the weekend to keep that bond otherwise things can easily drift. It’s the same in our house tbh but at lunch time I always text to say hi and ask how his day is and he reply’s and asks how I am etc. It just keeps that connection when we don’t get much time to chat. Evenings are just taken up with getting the kids sorted and ready for the next day so we really don’t connect much during the week atall but we know we are both where we want to be and we have the same common goals in life. Weekends we spend family time and sit and talk more as a couple. It’s hard if you are sitting on your own every evening while his in bed but if his a good guy and working really hard for the family then maybe accept its how it is for now. Plan some nice things you can do together when you have time off and see where you feel you are at then.

@Skyla2005

I think it’s important for you both to realise how hard you are both working and he is up very early in a physical job it’s normal for him to need an early night. That said it’s also important for you to spend time together at the weekend to keep that bond otherwise things can easily drift. It’s the same in our house tbh but at lunch time I always text to say hi and ask how his day is and he reply’s and asks how I am etc. It just keeps that connection when we don’t get much time to chat. Evenings are just taken up with getting the kids sorted and ready for the next day so we really don’t connect much during the week atall but we know we are both where we want to be and we have the same common goals in life. Weekends we spend family time and sit and talk more as a couple. It’s hard if you are sitting on your own every evening while his in bed but if his a good guy and working really hard for the family then maybe accept its how it is for now. Plan some nice things you can do together when you have time off and see where you feel you are at then.

Thank you for this! Its what I needed. the last relationship I had was at 16 and I don't know what I expected when we both work full time. He is a good guy and does a lot for me I just miss being about to sit on FaceTime and talk crap for hours and message whenever but suppose its part of growing up. Think we need to make time for each other more. a phone call? playing on the playstation? right now we are in a lockdown so its hard for us to do anything at all other than meet in Asda . Thank you for the post it's made me feel better about my post other than people suggesting I move on or it's his health. which I suppose is my fault for not specifying. but thank you x

You're only 19, christ, you can expect more out of life and a relationship than just slogging away at work and dozing in front of the telly.

"Growing up" is not acting like pensioners at 19.

suppose its part of growing up.

Maybe but also you might look up and realize you've missed your early 20s etc where you might want to go out a lot (all of this is hypothetical with lockdown really of course.)

Bed at 8pm is not what the average 20-something does or wants to do, but of course if he has a very physical job he might want to more than the average person- you might want more from life than this though. When the world eventually returns to normal, you could make sure that you have some nice nights out with friends, if you keep this guy.

Most youngsters have the energy for the evening out sometimes, so I would think there was something wrong with him mentally or physically. How well does he look after himself? Does he smoke weed or anything? Does he eat enough?

PP's who are saying they have similar issues are describing situations where they have family responsibilities etc. You and 'Dozey' don't.

The nearest I had was when I dated a HCA who liked to go to the gym before work. She was still happy to meet in the evenings sometimes/stay up together till tennish. She was a real party animal on her days off etc (I'm not.) She was in about her late 30s.

I get 'the look' at 10 pm when it's my BF's work night. Tbf, I only go round when I've got the next day off so I can sleep in longer. That's just how it has to be as I work shifts and he doesn't. Do you have the weekends together? I'm sometimes working then too, so I'm a total pain to date. This is working life, but maybe he could improve his fitness level, or it might improve with time by itself as he does a physical job. Let him be after 8 if that's what he wants, that's when you can catch up with your mates or do some hobby, anything but hanging out for more communication from him.

OP,

You are very young to be settling for so very little.
Bed at 8pm....really.
Very strange if its every night.

He may be a nice fellow but it doesn't sound like he has the energy for a relationship.

Definitely speak to him about this, but if he tells you "this is real life"...I suggest you run for the hills.

It may be his real life but it sounds bloody boring and miserable.

Yes with several children and busy jobs life might be a bit dull at times, but your 20's are great years to explore as much of life as you can with money in your pocket and zero responsibilities.

Well it was in my day, thank god.

8pm?!? I had a job where l had to be on the train for 5.55pm and didn’t get home until 10pm a few days a week. I never went to bed that early. Is he physically unwell as thats excessive. Does he actually sleep or play with his phone?

If he's exhausted he can hardly help going to sleep.

8pm though is very early unless he's up at 4am. 9/10 would be reasonable.

okay from what I can determine from here there are very blunt people. who are not helpful whatsoever. I never said its his fault he cannot stay up but when its happening most nights you can see my concern. for those telling to dump him cos im in my early 20's??? no. just because im in a relationship does not mean im like tied down. Right now its shit because we are in a lockdown so I cannot do anything or see anyone but I'll have everyone know my normal life I was hardly ever home either out with friends working or at that point with my now boyfriend. So yes it might seem that all I do is work come home and wait for him to reply, but tell me what can you do in a pandemic lockdown at 8pm other than talk to your friends? All I was asking is how to start a conversation about this.

I no longer need the advice on how to have a conversation about it with him because we have had it. He's realised now that him falling asleep that early is madness however some days he can't help it because some days he does go right over his finish time which I do understand. He's going to try and stay up longer but also make more of the free time we both have.

I'm going to put simply to those being rude or blunt or telling me to get rid. I might seem like 'settling' but you don't know me from Adam. you presume my life is boring, well what else can it be during a LOCKDOWN. I appreciate some of you are trying to be helpful, thank you, but its easy telling someone to get rid of their partner aint it? imagine if someone told you to get rid of yours like that. My God all this was only needed for a conversation, some help on how to talk to him about this. I'm not going to get rid.

You're only 19 ERM I KNOW THAT THANK YOU! IM NOT STUPID. I know I'm young and I know ive got a long life ahead of me and no I am not going to spend my life revolved around a boy, that is not the way I was raised. so if everyone can put simply stop reminding me of my age that'd be very much appreciated. honestly came on here for advice and only a couple of the responses have been helpful the others have been bitchy, blunt, telling me im too young, or telling me to get rid.

Thank you to those who have tried to help.

Best get your toys back in your pram there OP!

I'm glad you've sorted it out to your satisfaction.

Sorry you don't think your age is relevant, but assuming he is a similar age, it is/was odd for him to be going to bed at that hour. Unless he is getting up incredibly early, which you haven't clarified how early.

That could point to a health issue (or potentially a mental health issue like depression).

And I do think your age is relevant when you're talking about settling for a version of "growing up" that is beyond middle-aged. Yes, Covid. No to sleeping life away.

I can certainly empathise with the tiredness. Work can be exhausting and in the autumn/winter it feels even worse. Your point about finding something to do together is a good idea. My wife and I are often really tired of an evening and she generally falls asleep on the sofa but we try and make time to sit at the kitchen table once a week, a couple of glasses of wine and have our dinner and chat. We are in our 40s with kids admittedly so our circumstances are different but it's still about dealing with tiredness in a relationship!

OP my partner gets up in the hours of 4am, drives more than 4 hours a day to and from jobs and does a full days very physical work; he often doesn’t get home until 6 or 7pm, and he tries to fit a run in on a couple of evenings a week. Being in bed between 8pm and 9pm is very normal for him, he’s exhausted by Friday.

I’m lucky my work is flexible and I’ve shifted to earlier starts and finishes to align my sleep pattern with his a bit more, but it’s hard especially if we were young. I’m in my 40s now and he’s a fantastic partner who does 50% of everything round the house but if I was in my 20s like you I would find it hard also. Does he have a very strenuous job physically with early starts?

We make a real effort to have a date night once a week, and to spend our weekends together where possible. I do additional work in the evening sometimes once he’s asleep to make free time for weekends when we plan bike rides and walks. Can you suggest something specific to do outdoors during lockdown? You need to keep the romance alive somewhere!

Just seen your update post; great that you’ve had a good conversation about this and trying to have more real time together.

Some posters are being slightly ridiculous to be fair to the OP. Its not up to him to stay up so hes exhausted and miserable at work to keep OP entertained and to be fair OP seems to realise that as well. Some people must have lead some fairly blessed lives if they didnt have to go to work at 19 but for a lot of people thats the reality. How can you possibly tell if they're 'not compatible' because he has a tiring job? If they like each other and want to be together then in the real world this is one of those small issues you work out in a relationship and im not really sure where you think all those exciting careers that pay a fortune for doing 16 hour weeks at 19 years old or presumably rich single and available right now men are.

He sounds boring. You don't.
Cut your losses OP.
Can you imagine what he'd be like long term. 😳

My OH has always been a go to bed early Linda guy. More like 9/9:30 though. I used to think it was early anyway. I’ve been with him since 17, I’m 24 now, he’s 9 years my senior and we eventually synced patterns, especially when we brought our house and moved in together. He started staying up a little later but I equally started going to bed earlier. I used to stay up well past midnight most nights.

But now at 24 I find going to bed at 8/9pm absolutely blissful. I love a good nights sleep 😂 but then we do have a 10 month old 🤦🏼‍♀️