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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you know if you want to go back to them?

12 replies

DeeryMe · 05/11/2020 18:13

Hi everyone, first time poster here. Where do I start?

So I bought a house with my boyfriend of 8 years. I told him that after living with my parents for so long (long story short a very unhappy house) I would need some time to heal and adjust from the car crash I just left and I might not be all super happy. I just felt the storm coming and I knew myself I needed to honour the pain that I was now finally allowed to express. It morphed into depression very rapidly and instead of supporting me through it after 2 months of living together he handed me a letter to say he wasn't happy with our relationship and here were all the things that had to change about me. While he said that this is his fault too he did not mention what he would do to change. After a big heart to heart we set out some ground rules no. 1 being honesty and no. 2 being more intimate together. I asked him at the end of there was anything else he wanted to say and he said no. Fast forward 3 weeks later he gets unseasonably drunk and I found out that he's been having an emotional affair with a girl at work who has been "after him" for 2 years. He never mentioned her. He blames me. He says he wants to leave but doesn't. He lies and lies about the whole thing over and over again. I still don't fully know the truth. He says he wants to break up and then takes it back I try to say not to make any rash decisions when you're highly emotional but he keeps going and this goes on for months. Meanwhile my mental health deteriorates further. We go to couples counseling where we discover all this behaviour stems from his own childhood. So couples counseling very quickly turns into his counselling sessions. We don't discuss the affair in counseling for several months. Nothing really gets resolved. I'm still hurt. He still hasn't made up for it. I start getting vaginismus and he gets angry that my counsellor says it's likely unresolved trust issues stemming from last year. He gets angry about that. Sex is just painful. Very little intimacy. He gets angry about my anxiety attacks. Fights with me when I have them or gets frustrated with me.

It ends up with me just left in limbo. He says something nice to me and I think god why did I ever think I should leave him? Then he just goes back to ignoring me or rejecting any bids for connection and I feel so hurt and kind of saying to myself why are you surprised? and then go to bed crying. I just swing wildly back and forth and ruminate over it. Driving myself crazy.

Then a few weeks ago he has another conversation to say I'm needy, childish, emotionally immature. I just cracked and said that I needed a break. Moved back to my parents for the last 4 weeks. I haven't contacted him but he's tried to contact me even though we said no contact. I haven't missed him all that much because all I did at home was work from home, cook and clean but he's out at work til 9pm every night so I was on my own all that time. Now I'm surrounded by people and my family are doing most of the house work. But that's not reality. That's not what it will be like when covid is over or if we broke up.

I'm just sick and tired of being treated so badly. Yet another part of me believes him that I am just too needy and too emotional and too immature and things would be better if I wasn't like that but I don't know if I have it within me to change? I deep down believe that I am just not enough for him and I never will be and that eventually he will leave me.

I just don't know if I want to go back even though my mam is putting major pressure on to go back with an open mind.

He's a sweet man but I just don't think I can take another character assassination. I'm just so confused by my feelings.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/11/2020 18:26

Do not go back to this man under any circumstances. He is not worthy of you, not the other way around. He is not a sweet man at all, he is a cheat and he has done a further number on you of making you feel bad and like its all your fault. Abusive men do this and you were targeted by him.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What has life been like for you at home?. You only make brief reference to it but life at home has not been at all good has it?. It looks like your family have treated you badly as well and this man is a continuation of what you have always known. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Why do you think your mother is pressuring you to go back to this man, is it really because she perhaps and your ex are really similar in nature?. You do not have to do ask your mother asks; its your life and she has not been in this relationship. Her counsel to you is downright unhelpful, not just to say wrong on so many levels.

I would look into moving out asap and contacting Womens Aid as they could help you further. The Freedom Programme that can be done online is also well worth doing.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2020 18:51

He still hasn't made up for it. I start getting vaginismus and he gets angry that my counsellor says it's likely unresolved trust issues stemming from last year. He gets angry about that. Sex is just painful. Very little intimacy. He gets angry about my anxiety attacks. Fights with me when I have them or gets frustrated with me.

This is not a man that respects you. He is far from kind and he is not one bit supportive.

he's been having an emotional affair with a girl at work who has been "after him" for 2 years. He never mentioned her. He blames me

He is deflecting blame and refusing to take responsibility.

I haven't contacted him but he's tried to contact me even though we said no contact.

Once again he doesn't respect you and isn't sticking to your agreement.

I haven't missed him all that much

It just shows how little value he adds to your life.

I'm just sick and tired of being treated so badly

I don't blame you. You shouldn't accept being treated badly and you need to assert yourself.

I just don't know if I want to go back even though my mam is putting major pressure on to go back with an open mind.

It's not about your mum. You're the one in this unhealthy relationship and it's damaging your confidence and self esteem. Not to mention the impact on your mental health.

If you decide to go back... you need to lay out your conditions. Make it very clear you won't accept his anger when you find sex painful and if he cannot adhere to your conditions...then go your separate ways.

category12 · 05/11/2020 19:05

It sounds like it would be a huge, massive, horrific mistake to go back to him.

Original poster

DeeryMe · 05/11/2020 19:21

Sorry if I mess up my replies. As I said it's my first time on here so not sure how to @ someone.

My mam is in a very unhappy relationship where her own husband cheats. I don't know if I'm the only one in the family who knows this but yeah no intimacy or honesty in the relationship either. Definitely sounds familiar! Myself and my sister are her emotional caretakers and are responsible for her happiness essentially. Even though she's seen me miserable the last two years and knows how much I've tried to keep us on track with counselling and calm decisions I "haven't done enough" apparently. She thinks it would be a mistake to break up. Even though it's him that wants to leave? I guess I'm quite upset at that too... She says she's "on my side" but then says she hasn't got a wink of sleep thinking about my relationship.

When I write it all out it sounds awful I guess alright but sometimes he can be really present and loving. I think I've gotten a lot of codependency issues from my mam that have transferred to him. So I'm afraid to leave in a sense. Afraid that I'm the one who is putting too much expectation on the relationship for my happiness just like my mam did with me? I just swing back and forth on this all the time. I just have no clarity on who's right, who's wrong, what I should do. As I said this could all be me just putting too much pressure on the relationship to "make me" happy. I'm trying my best on this break to find other things that keep me happy and it seems to be working. I just wish my mam could be there for me in the way I need.

Like maybe it is just me? I'm sure I'm no great shakes to live with either.

OP posts:

category12 · 05/11/2020 19:27

What you really need to do is get a bit of distance from your mother. Her advice and concern is shit and emotionally blackmailing, and she's heavily invested in you continuing a crappy relationship because that's what she does. It's her normal and it doesn't occur to her that there's another way of living.

You also need to get some individual counselling and work through the issues from your upbringing.

You shouldn't be with a man who cheats on you and who gets angry that sex is painful for you.

Dery · 05/11/2020 19:31

Of course your relationship should make you happy.

In a healthy long-term relationship, both partners will be happy most of the time because they enjoy each other’s company and are compatible and the relationship is supportive and nurturing for both of them. Sure, in any long-term relationship, no matter how good, there will be times when you get irritated with each other and maybe argue a bit. But the bad times should be the exception and they should not be that bad even when they’re happening.

If your relationship does not provide happiness, security and pleasure for you most of the time, it is not good enough. It doesn’t matter who is wrong or who is right.

This relationship sounds like a disaster. Please do not go back.

SandyY2K · 05/11/2020 20:00

Tell your mum not to worry about your relationship.

Explain that you want a relationship where you feel loved and valued and you need time to consider if this is the right thing for you.

It needs to be your decision, so that you don't blame her or anyone else in the future for going back to him.

Your mum isn't the person to take relationship advice from and I suggest you don't share the issues in your relationship with her.

I don't know if you plan or want children on the future, but it's important to have a healthy relationship for them to see...otherwise they have a poor model and the cycle often repeats.

Your mum is in a relationship where she gets cheated on and accepts this....so even though yours is bad it seems better than hers. Neither are good.

A healthy relationship should feel like a safe place....yours isn't, because he is quick to anger and he doesn't respect you.

DianaT1969 · 05/11/2020 20:04

OP there is a third option. You get a place on your own and stop trying to fit in and please other people.
Option 1 with him. No. Option 2 with your family. No. Option 3 get a place on your own or a flatshare. Don't waste any more time.

Opentooffers · 05/11/2020 20:05

You see, the big mistake here was moving straight out of your family home and into one with him. You would of been better off being independent from him and your family, so you have time to settle as yourself in the world.
My advice would be to get the house on the market and take your half of any equity there might be - unless he can buy you out or afford for you to sign it over to him if no equity yet.
Move out of home on your own and rent for a while.
You have issues around your family, he has issues around his, it's a bad mix. You are right, he treats you awfully, and you should not put up with it. Forget the couples counselling, he was having an affair before you moved in by the sounds of it, so that's on him, not how you've been since cohabiting. He kept you in the dark and financially tied you knowing what he'd done - that's controlling, as is a lot of his other behaviour.
To make a decent choice in a partner, you have to come from a good place yourself. Work on yourself only, you will bang your head against walls waiting or trying to get others to change into what you want - never happens.